Odd Phone Behaviour?

[SingSweetNightingale]

Wondering what your thoughts are on this...

Been with DP for 3 years. He’s a fantastic partner, father, everything. Can’t fault him really.

Only thing that niggles me is the way he is with his phone. He’s always been this way but it’s started to concern me.
He’s cagey with it. Wont let me on it, hold it, see a photo he’s taken etc. I’ve asked him about it in the past and he just says he’s always been like that and not sure why. I asked if he’s hiding anything and he said no.
Recently the issue came up again and I said it was really bothering me. I said I don’t think it’s normal behaviour if he has nothing to hide. At that point as he could see I was so upset he agreed he is probably a bit OTT and will be more open if it makes me feel better. He’s given me his password (not that I asked for it or want to go through his phone) and said if I need to use it for something then I can.

Obviously this is good and makes me feel better but I just can’t understand why for the past 3 years he’s been cagey and secretive if he’s had nothing to hide. I’ve had no other reason whatsoever to think he’s playing away or betraying me.

AIBU or do you think he’s been doing things he shouldn’t?

[Lovelydiscusfish]

Don’t take this the wrong way, everyone is different, but I would not be happy to give my password to anyone - my phone has messages from my friends which are personal. I’m not cheating or up to anything untoward, but even so.

[AmandaHugenkiss]

I think all relationships are different, and it probably depends on what you and he are comfortable with. Is he sure there’s nothing driving his reluctance? Ex who used to go through his emails etc?

DP and I both know phone passwords and tend to just use whichever phone is nearest to Google something for example. I wouldn’t have been comfortable doing that with one of my exes. He had form for going over conversations and picking apart what I’d said, so he would’ve done that with messages I’m sure.

If he’s given you the passcode now after talking to him about it, that’s progress?

[seensome]

Your phone your personal item, I have absolutely nothing to hide but I wouldn't give it to a partner, he'd have his own, if he needs to know something, I'll look up for him.

[SingSweetNightingale]

These responses are interesting to me.
I’ve always thought “weird with phone = something to hide”
Maybe I’m the weird one here

[Sarahlou63]

I've been with my partner for 12 years and have never looked at his phone. His passwords are written down (I know where!) in case he dies before me.

[emily372]

My ex who I was with for 4 years, was the same. He was absolutely perfect but acted really cagey with his phone. Honestly, it was nothing to worry about. I never actually went through it and we broke up over other reason. As long as the relationship is fine then don't worry about the phone, it's a load of bollocks. Don't stress

[Teenagetrials]

I agree OP - I would find it odd. We also just use whichever phone is to hand

[BettyAndVeronica]

I have in the past unfortunately found inappropriate messages / possible EA on a partner's phone and this was how he acted. I also saw a conversation about his friend cheating on his partner who was my friend.

I have never had any problem letting someone I'm close to use my phone, especially just to look at pictures. So yes I think his behaviour is suspicious. But he'd have deleted anything fishy now anyway.

[emily372]

How you've got to see it is, what's the worse you're gonna find?
Porn? Texting a girl? Seeing a girl? Gambling addict?
If you're gonna go through his phone you better be prepared for the worst.
If he's acting fine apart from that phone then I wouldn't worry, you would know if he's cheating

[yetmorecrap]

I think the likely culprits are porn , gambling or he has apps on there he doesn’t want you to see. Chances are if he did have- they will be gone now — my H went through a phase like this and if I took his phone to google etc (we had always said it was ok)! He virtually had his hand on Mine to grab it back. Turns out a female colleague was constantly texting general chit chat (not particularly wanted) and he thought I would get pissy about it if I saw it!

[sammylady37]

I have nothing to hide but I’m a private person and I respect the privacy of those who have texted/emailed me, so I don’t leave my phone unlocked, disclose my password or let others use it willy nilly

[InFiveMins]

I would find it suspicious. He is cagey about it so clearly hiding something that he doesn't want you to see. Could be porn or weird browser history.

[Santaiscovidfree]

Be prepared for what you find op

My dh had been a bit odd. Distant and cagey. I snooped. A few weeks ago. He is nc with his dps and genuinely thought it could be them - especially mil as his birthday was recently.. Didn't want to mention them as his day would be a wash out. It seems he had been accessing a mental health forum. So now I need to fess up or find a way to bring it up.
Covid is damaging lots of lives - not just the positive test people..
So now we both feel rubbish.
*never thought anything untoward ever..

[BeanieB2020]

I wouldn't let anyone look through my phone either. And yes, I do have things to hide, but they're not the kind of thing you're thinking -- they confidential things for my work, notes full of my personal fiction writing, and messages of personal conversations between me and my friends where my friends have shared things with me in confidence and it isn't ok to just let a partner read things friends have said in confidence. People are entitled to privacy and to have things in their lives they don't discuss with partners. I couldn't be with someone who wanted full access to every aspect of my writing and communications. I write a lot of personal stuff that is fictional but still coming from my mind that I don't want anyone to read unless I specifically at a certain time decide it is ready to share or I am ready to share it.

Stop thinking the worst all the time. Private/personal things aren't always big awful secrets

[SingSweetNightingale]

Thanks for all your replies. I’m just a very open and honest person. Tbh I’m probably too open and honest sometimes especially with DP. I tell him absolutely everything and he always has access to my phone. He regularly reads texts that pop up on my screen or if he says “so and so has messaged you” I will ask him to read to me what it says if I’m busy.
I suppose I would just expect the same back. I have no desire to go through his phone or snoop but if my phone is charging or I’ve forgotten it and we’re out i would expect to be able to use his.

[SingSweetNightingale]

@AmandaHugenkiss - he mentioned his first girlfriend was very controlling in their relationship so maybe it’s this...

[HamAndButterSandwich]

Obviously I can't comment on your DP but I've always been quite private. Sometimes my DH will peer over my shoulder to see what I'm reading on my laptop and I hate it. Same with my phone. I certainly have nothing to hide but am just quite private. That said DH does know my password and will use my phone if there's some reason to but I prefer him not to flick through it even though there's nothing even remotely interesting there.

[Outdoorsywithgin]

l really don't get people who share access to their phones.
DH and I have been together than mobile phones have been around (we had pagers when I was in Uni and it was a LDR) and we don't have each other's passwords. We don't open each other's mail, we don't read each other's emails. I don't think it's shifty, it's just normal for us.

[HamAndButterSandwich]

@Outdoorsywithgin

To me it seems OTT not to have the password. There have been plenty of times we've needed to use the other's phone (e.g. to call ours if it's lost).

[ItsAScream]

I wouldn’t particularly mind if DH looked at my phone (he knows the password) but I’d prefer that he didn’t because I’ve visited some dodgy (to me) sites following Mumsnet discussions and I would be embarrassed for him to see where I’d been - not that he’d care.
I know DH’s password but have never felt the need to look at his phone. However having said that, if I for one moment thought that he was up to no good, I wouldn’t hesitate.
Unless your DP’s behaviour has changed in other ways I wouldn’t be too worried.

[sodalite]

I know it's easy to think what have you got to hide? but my dh does know my password but I'd never leave him alone with my phone simply because I'd be embarrassed if he saw everything on it, I'd feel the same as if he read my private diary as my phones full of personal stuff and my photos are sometimes motivating memes I've screenshot and would feel embarrassed about but I'd never cheat so if he ever thought what have I got to hide... well lots but innocently personal things.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

From personal experience, I'd find that dodgy as fuck.

[itwillbehormones]

I hate my DH leaning over me when I'm on my phone, I'm mostly chatting to my friends, on mumsnet, reading books.. but it's my space my time and my personal choice to keep it private.

If he really wanted to snoop he knows my password, I'd hope he doesn't feel the need tbh

[Lovelydiscusfish]

My response earlier was brief and sketchy.

To give some examples of why I wouldn’t want my fella to have my password:

A) - my closest girlfriends sometimes text me about deeply personal problems and stuff. I wouldn’t go sharing them with him or anyone else. Not that I imagine he would care or be especially interested. But it seems disloyal to my friends.

B - even tho he is pretty bloody perfect, I occasionally get pissed off by things he does, and might text a close girlfriend to sound off about it, or discuss it. I absolutely reserve that right! Doesn’t mean I don’t adore him to death (I do) but nobody is perfect! And in my opinion it strengthens a relationship if you can occasionally bitch a little about the annoying bits of your partner to a friend, vent and get perspective, rather than feeling the immediate need to crawl up his/her arse about them. But would I want him to read this? No! Because he is fucking lovely, so why would I want him to be mithered by some petty gripes about him I have at my PMT worst? My best friend can suck those up! It’s her job - I do the same for her......

C) my internet search history is personal. I am not looking up anything dodgy, but just because I love him, doesn’t mean he gets to see every single thought I have ever had, however vague, erratic or sillly! And it would include, tor example, me looking up possible birthday gifts for him..... My phone is personal to me - like a private diary, say......

[RLEOM]

Whenever my exes have been cagey about their phone, they were either having an affair or chatting someone up. But that's just my experience - the behaviour was a giveaway.