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Can I recover years of cheating with escorts?

(141 Posts)
lalunedujour Fri 22-Jan-21 14:19:13

Ladies, I turn to you for impartial advice, by this I mean if possible not to project yourself onto my situation and think - what would I do? Don't, because you will never know what you would do until it happens to you. You think you know your partner and above all you think you know yourself, but then something like this comes up and all is out of the window.

Long (wish) story short - I discovered in July that my husband had been seeing prositutes, escorts, whatever is the correct term for it, for years, as in since I was pregnant at least so about 4 years ago. All in the midst of coronavirus and being in full isolation, with me out of a job and him being the only provider (first time in our lives).

I can't begin to explain the rollercoaster of emotions at the time (still now) but there and then it was intense and a sever shock. He was never 'the type' and in fact I always had a higher sex drive than him and he hardly initiated sex in our relationship, well past the first year at least.

He confessed straight away and went into a full meltdown, confessing a long addiction since his teens as it was how he broke his virginity (the things we learn!!) His excuse or reasoning was that it had been a secret for years and he always thought he could get rid of it, but it was an addiction.

He saw a therapist since then and did everything he could, whatever that means, to regain my trust, to apologise and to express his own disgust.

I have tried my hardest to forgive him but of course I cannot - I am constantly reminded by the thought of it all, the betrayal, the lies, the ability he had to do it for YEARS, while I was pregnant, working hard, trying to get back to my female self after birth etc etc but he was content in his sex life I guess because he was visiting countless places at least once a week.

No need to bang on about the details as to how I found out but lets say Uber rides is a wonderful app to look at..

So here I am, 6 months later, trying to get over this with immense struggle. My main source of strength is my daughter who I simply cannot destroy over this.

I don't have concerns as to him doing it again, but I can't move past what has already been done.

I appreciate your insight.

OP’s posts: |
Whatsnewpussyhat Fri 22-Jan-21 14:25:21

You are allowed to leave him. You don't have to move past it or forgive him at all.
It will not "destroy" your daughter at all for her mum to be happy out of a situation that will continue to eat away at you.

MechantGourmet Fri 22-Jan-21 14:28:56

Why would you want to?
Your daughter is young, she won't be 'destroyed'. Would you want her to stay if her partner did this?

SunnySideDownBriefly Fri 22-Jan-21 14:34:14

That's truly awful.

Can I just ask why you don't have concerns that he's going to do it again?

I don't think you will be able to get over this. It's been too long - it's not a one off. It's a whole other life that he has been leading.

Is he getting counselling? He will need a lot of it. And you will too plus lots of time to heal...although it will never go away and will never be the same.

Rainandspirit Fri 22-Jan-21 14:35:07

Sorry you are in this situation. How old is your daughter ? Have you spoken to anyone in real life??
My long story short. Found out my husband of 20 years was having an affair. Turns out he was online dating for a few years ! All the time I thought nothing was wrong. It is 19 months since I found out amd I can say is I will never forgive him.
I have done 1 to 1 consulting which has helped me. We did try for the kids (we have 5) but at the end of the day we need to do it for us . They will grow up and move on and then with will just be us 2 (youngest is 11) they know we are not getting on . Sleep in separate rooms. I can’t move passed the fact he has living a double life taking time from our family to have “time for himself “
Yes he is sorry, he will not do it again bla bla bla . But now when I look at him it’s lies I see. . I bit of advice I had given at the time was .
You don’t have to make a discussions now. You can stay and see how things go and next month,6 months next year you can still leave. But at the end of the day don’t stay for your child . They will
Know and as much as we try to be happy for ours they are happy. They don’t want him to leave either so where do I go from here I don’t know .
Best of luck . Take care of your self . It’s a shit club to be part of.

CaraDuneRedux Fri 22-Jan-21 14:39:33

Short answer: no.

Long answer: no.

So sorry the scummy fucker has put you through this. And your daughter will be miles better off growing up with a mother who didn't take crap and stood up for herself as a role model than one who let herself be treated like a doormat.

BornIn78 Fri 22-Jan-21 14:40:49

I wouldn’t think at 6 months post discovery you’d be anywhere near “getting over it”, and as for him doing “everything he can” to regain your trust, at 6 months down the line he’s barely even scratched the surface of what he can do to regain your trust.

Are you feeling some kind of pressure to move past it and if so, from who?

Lauren551 Fri 22-Jan-21 14:41:10

I’m so sorry I can’t offer you any advice other than that I share your heartbreak , I also found out last July my partner of 11 years and father to my 3 children was contacting prostittues and also seemed to be some Kind of habit he had gotten into after having a drink ... I can’t find solid concrete proof he ever went though with it but I think he probably did at least once , we seperated for 6 months I let him come back in December it’s been so hard not a day goes by when I wonder how he could do that or if he’s scheming to do it again. Like your husband you would never think my partner was the type at all it was and is soul destroying , my daughter was 2 weeks old when I found out and I was recovering from a very tough c section x

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 22-Jan-21 14:42:49

Do not stay with him for the sake of your child. Would you want her as an adult to remain within such a marriage?. No you would not and it is not good enough for you either. She will not be "destroyed" either if you left her dad.

You certainly do not have to move past it and or to forgive him.

Mistlewoeandwhine Fri 22-Jan-21 14:43:20

Walk away. He could have given you any disease. He could have severely compromised your child’s health. His problem is not your problem to fix. You can be with someone who is not fucked up and is actually good to you. That’s better for your daughter.what he did to you is truly awful.

DM1209 Fri 22-Jan-21 14:44:56

I am so sorry this has happened to you. No one knows how they would react until it happens.

My ex-husband of 18 years cheated for the last 3 years of our marriage (that I know of), with prostitutes and strangers he met off the Internet.

On paper we were the perfect couple and it came as a big, big shock to me as I had no idea.

When I first found out I went into survival mode more for my 3 children, (1, 3 and 7 at the time) and also the fact that I was pretty much financially dependant on him. It was a blur but I wanted to keep my family intact.

Fast forward 6 years. I've retrained and now have a career, my children are happy and settled and I have divorced him. I forgave what he did for my own sanity but I cannot forget and it was the not being able to forget which impacted any potential reconciliation, no matter how sorry he was.

You will find your way but do not think you have 'fix' him or help. Your primary concern is yourself and your child.

With or without him, you can do this.

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus Fri 22-Jan-21 14:46:09

Can you recover?
That is very much down to you and ability to forgive and forget. Truly forgive and forget, not just burying it, making excuses for him etc.
You have not done anything wrong please remember that.
Lots of different aspects to this that you may need to unpick to get piece of mind to make a clearer choice.
Would he still be doing this if he not been caught?
Is it an addiction or a choice? At any time he could have realised he had a family and could gave stopped to get help?
Money and time spent on escorts could have been time and money spent on recovery?
He has risked your sexual, emotional, financial health not to mention pandemic etc how do you feel about this?
How do you feel about a man you can pay for sexual services with quite possibly vulnerable females as a mother with a daughter?
How do you feel about a partnership of possible checking, detective work, hoping he doesnt weaken during times of stress and difficulty?
How do you feel about someone who can lead an almost double life and yet still has a family?
I think if you really honestly can find a way to overcome the many facets above with zero resentment you may recover.
It does and can happen, but mostly it is a dealbreaker, women get their ducks in a row and at least seperate to focus on theirselves.
He is not a project to fix, but you have suffered.
There is a website/free resource called recovery nation. It has a forum and modules for partners of people the use sex workers. It can be very helpful to unpick your own circumstances.
You will I am sure get lots of LTB responses on here.
I reply to these threads as it happened to me too.
Many posters dissapear after getting support on here because they are not ready to leave (again faceted reasons) it took me 4 years.
I could not recover but we are all different. flowers

Ohalrightthen Fri 22-Jan-21 14:46:33

OP, have you had a full, indepth STD screening? Including HIV, Hep B&C, herpes and syphilis? Bog standard STD screening often only checks for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea, but if this man has been having sex with prostitutes decades he could have all sorts, and passed any of it on to you. Even if he used a condom every single time, he could still have picked something up.

To me, this would be unforgiveable, as not only did he make a mockery of your marriage, but he's also put your, and your children's, health at huge risk.

Shehasadiamondinthesky Fri 22-Jan-21 14:48:07

You haven't destroyed your daughter he has.
Quite frankly do you want to live with such a disgusting human being?
He most certainly will do this again.

Weirdfan Fri 22-Jan-21 14:49:43

I'm also interested in why you think you will 'destroy your daughter' if you leave? Unhappy parents do far more damage to DC than a split ime and it seems unlikely either of you can be happy in your marriage if you can't get past what he's done. Not that I think you should get past it, you say none of us know how we'd react but my feelings about men who think consent can be bought are so strong that I do know and I wouldn't be attempting any kind of forgiveness in your position. Sorry OP flowers

Honeyroar Fri 22-Jan-21 14:50:36

Turn it around. If it was your daughter’s partner that had done that would you want her to leave? You’re not destroying your daughter, you’re showing her how to be strong and respect herself- with your example.
Imagine in the future- which is most likely she’d say..
“My mother was such a strong woman. She left my dad because he was cheating and built a new life”
Or..
“My mother was such a strong woman. She put up with my dad’s infidelity for years”

ThatVeganFeminist Fri 22-Jan-21 14:51:52

Why would you want to???

glassecase Fri 22-Jan-21 14:52:25

Urgh. 'Ladies'

QuentinWinters Fri 22-Jan-21 14:57:42

Its not really about trust is it. Your husband knew what he was doing and knew how bad it was. He did it anyway. He doesn't respect women generally, he certainly doesn't respect you, and he lies.

I stayed with someone in similar circumstances for 5 years and it destroyed me. Maybe you can overlook it but the trust is gone until he proves himself trustworthy (which could take ages).

In my case exH did it again and I was left feeling like a total mug for agreeing to stay with him. Because he was a liar, I knew it, and who trusts a liar?

Your daughter will be fine if you leave. Maybe not straight away but she will be. And when she is an adult she will understand why you did it.

MrsFluffyMuff Fri 22-Jan-21 14:58:21

**My mother was such a strong woman. She left my dad because he was cheating and built a new life”
Or..
“My mother was such a strong woman. She put up with my dad’s infidelity for years”**

This.

Listen. He's not sorry. He didn't even confess to you out of guilt, he was caught. If it were up to him, you would still be oblivious and he would still be shagging escorts. He won't change. He will just hide it better next time. He hoped you wouldn't find out, but you did. That is the only reason he is sorry.

Trust me.

LemonBreeland Fri 22-Jan-21 15:01:17

I agree with others OP, I don't see how you can get past this. It wasn't a one off error of judgement. Your whole relationship is a lie.

And I agree that it will not destroy your daughter for you to leave him. It is more likely to destroy her living with parents who do not love each other.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 22-Jan-21 15:18:44

Men use use prostitutes hate women on a very basic level. Many of these women are addicted, abused and trafficked. Essentially it's rape.

It won't destroy your daughter. There are so many children who do well in divorced homes, as long as the parents behave well. You can split up amicably.

ravenmum Fri 22-Jan-21 15:45:03

My parents split up when I was that age. I'm not "destroyed". Half of marriages end in divorce; why not yours?

Aahotep Fri 22-Jan-21 15:49:52

He's only sorry he got caught.
He lied to you every day.

Sandals19 Fri 22-Jan-21 15:58:25

I think "can I recover .." should probably be "Should I recover .." and to me, you shouldn't.

You've said you can't get past it after trying for a while, and that's totally understandable. It's beyond the pale. A d it's sounds like you'd not have found out and he'd not have stopped, has you not found out yourself through that app etc.

Noone should have to get over that.

You and your daughter will be ok. I would work out how you're going to manage financially as a first step via citizens advice (phone) and online. You'll get universal credit, housing allowance (if renting), child maintenance, child benefit, discounted council tax I think, free school meals, uniform help, transport to school help, 85% of childcare costs paid if you work (capped at about a grand for one child I think) and whatever you earn under your work allowance amount (above which your UC payment would start reducing).

Could you get any help from family too?

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