online dating - dating history questions

[Peachblossom28]

I'm a little new to online dating and I keep getting asked similar questions from different guys that I feel is a little awkward with only a few days of chatting to a stranger online so, I'm wondering if anyone else finds this normal as it seems to be the normal thing popping up.

For example, I had exchanged messages with one guy for about 2 days and we were talking about likes and dislikes such as movies, food which was going well. Then he changed the subject and wanted to know about previous first dates I've been on, what was the worst date and told me about a girl he took out and how it didn't work out - and also wanted to know how many dates I've had through lockdown (obviously none!) and other guys have asked similar stuff along with 'what kind of qualities do you look for in a relationship/guy' kind of thing. The guy then wanted to give me a call the next day (even though I went a little quiet after his dating questions) - I didn't want to chat on the phone to him as it was a little too soon especially since he was asking things I didn't want to answer. Maybe I'm slightly sensitive and new to online apps but I find this so awkward and for me instantly dampens the conversation. I prefer to talk about interests and hobbies etc not previous relationships - it's not something I would ask a guy so don't see why they need to ask me.

I'm quite private and haven't really got a long history of dating, I have an embarrassing short number of previous dates and not really any long-term serious relationships (as meeting guys in the real world seems so hard these days - which is the reason for trying out online).

I don't feel comfortable discussing my private life with a stranger who I've only just started talking to and don't know. If I met someone and it got serious then that would maybe be discussed if the questions were asked but am I the only one who feels this is irrelevant when only JUST chatting on a dating app to a random guy?

I'm starting to feel the whole dating app thing is not worth it if I have to go into stuff I want to keep private to start with. Any views on this would be really helpful :) and sorry for the long write up.

[suggestionsplease1]

I wouldn't find it too sinister myself, depending on the specific questions anyway. But you can be guarded over responses to any questions or ignore them if you feel it's info you don't want to give.

I think they're trying to get a feel for compatibility, if you were dating in person the sort of things that you do like or don't like. What you hope for potential meetings/ relationships - eg. if you're happy dating around or prefer long term relationships.

If you think about it, the fact that you're both using the dating app is the only thing you both definitely have in common, so it's perhaps not unnatural that you might have chats about how you have both found it!

[Peachblossom28]

Thanks I'm glad you've said you've never dated because neither have I, i just don't want to admit that to a guy online. I've asked some friends and they think its normal to ask but I feel uncomfortable about it. I also think the chat should be natural and previous relationships shouldn't come into it but it just seems to be a casual question to pop up from some guys.

[BibbityBobbety]

I would find it very odd and off putting if a date was asking me about my previous dating history! That's a conversation that only happens when you're dating regularly and it's become exclusive.

I've done a lot of online dating, and to me, if a guy is asking these questions, I'd see at as he's not really interested in pursuing things with me. If a man (or woman) is interested in you, the last thing they want is details of your dating life! It's ok to ask how long you've been single or to mention if you were in a long term relationship recently, but anything more is none of their damn business. Especially in the early stages. Certainly not before I've been on a date.

Don't answer these questions if you're not comfortable. It's not normal, and a guy who is genuinely keen on dating you won't ask, and won't mind if you don't want to answer. He'll think there's plenty of time to get to that stuff. It's very personal and no one gets the right to that information until they've earned your trust.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

When I was chatting to guys on Tinder I think I did talk, and ask, a bit about past relationships. But I’m older and have been married before, as had most of the guys I was talking to. I didn’t mind tho we didn’t go into detail over the chat I don’t think. Don’t answer anything you are uncomfortable with - everyone is different!

One common question was how long you had been single for. I think I tended to dodge this one as actually I hadn’t been single very long at all (it was a rebound thing) and thought it sounded bad to disclose this. When I went on my only Tinder first date (still seeing him now, months on) we both admitted to each other that we both hadn’t been single long at all, but that’s because we immediately felt very comfortable with each other (hence still being together now). And on our second date we discussed how many people we had slept with, and loads of other personal information. But that wouldn’t be the norm for me at all - in fact, I never knew how many people my ex had slept with, and have objected to this question really far into other relationships. But current guy is so easy to talk to and non-judgemental that I find it easy to be open with him, probably more than anyone else I have ever met.

I think it’s hard to have hard and fast rules about this, because every interaction is different. So my advice would be just go slowly. If it feels like a guy is rushing you or prying, he’s probably not the man for you.

[ComtesseDeSpair]

“What kind of qualities do you look for in a relationship/guy?” sounds like a pretty standard (and presumably sensible) thing to ask: if you responded that you were looking for somebody who was family-oriented, close to his family and wanted a big family of his own, enjoyed the countryside and was outdoorsy, had ‘traditional values’ and was sensitive and in touch with his emotions then it immediately tells somebody whether they’re what you’re looking for and you’re what they’re looking for. I wouldn’t waste my time on a man who responded with any of the previous things, we’d have nothing in common!

Asking about previous dating history and relationships in a casual way = fine. Interrogating = not fine. The former can be helpful because you know immediately to step away from anyone who’s had a long history of “crazy exs” or has apparently always been “treated badly”, because the problem is usually them, not the exs.

[seensome]

You do have to go through a lot of chats before finding a potential date, I don't see what's wrong with asking what sort of qualities are you looking for, personally as I would wanting to get an idea of their personality and compatibility.
I agree that they don't need to know about previous dates/exes at talking stage if your not comfortable with it.