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He attempts to invalidate my sexual trauma

(30 Posts)
winnieupland Wed 20-Jan-21 18:49:02

What a subject. Unfortunately, I’m worried that is what he’s trying to do. Whether he’s aware of it or not.

When I met him I thought he treated me just beautifully. He was the first man I ever truly allowed myself to feel comfortable with. Eventually, gradually, I confided in him about how I was sexually abused as a child, how I was raped when I was 20 which led to me having an abortion, how I’ve had numerous experiences with men where I was sexually harassed and preyed upon. I trusted him. I didn’t want him to be confused about my being timid in the bedroom at times, my hesitation to feel comfortable around men in general.

When I would tell him these things he seemed supportive. It seemed like he cared. But now, whenever he’s angry with, he throws jabs right where it hurts me so deeply. He’s accused me of consenting to those behaviors from the men who abused me, of sleeping with any man I ever tried to speak out against, of playing the victim. He told me that the reason my family outed me after I spoke up about the abuse that traumatized me as a child is because I’m “problematic.”

It hurts so badly to hear someone I trusted say these things. It’s like he doubts everything about me. He was a virgin when we got together, and sometimes I wonder whether that’s why he lashes out this way. Does he feel threatened? He’s made me feel so dirty and, although I hate to say it, used by him. The last time he was yelling at me I asked, “If you think I’m this awful person, why did you continue a relationship with me? Why keep pursuing me for intimacy and sex, for connection?” He replied, “I don’t want that anymore from you. You’re no good at sex anyway!”

Please forgive me for rattling on. I know this relationship is probably a dud. I’m just so hurt and confused.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Wed 20-Jan-21 18:51:54

Why are you even still talking to this horrible man?

TiddyTid Wed 20-Jan-21 18:52:15

Get rid.

There is no excuse for his behaviour. None.

Ohalrightthen Wed 20-Jan-21 18:52:54

OP, you are being abused. Verbally and emotionally. This relationship is not a "dud", it is toxic, and it needs to end.

Please dump this loser right now. You don't even need to tell him. Just block him on everything and change your locks. Reach out to your friends for support, and potentially consider seeing a counsellor.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you. You absolutely deserve better.

Danny4445 Wed 20-Jan-21 18:53:07

Fuck him. Do not try to rationalise why he's saying those things. Don't try to analyse him. You need to dump him. He's despicable.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 20-Jan-21 18:54:35

You can't save him, you can't change him, you can't rescue him.

He's abusive. You need to dump him.

user1174147897 Wed 20-Jan-21 18:57:18

He's abusive. I'm sorry.

Tenohfour Wed 20-Jan-21 18:59:43

This man is abusive. Leave him and seek therapy to help you get past this. None of this is your fault. You dont trust him, and you are totally right in not trusting him.

fruitbrewhaha Wed 20-Jan-21 19:03:28

oh shit OP he is awful. Normal people dont say stuff like that even in an argument.

chipsandpeas Wed 20-Jan-21 19:07:55

run as far away as you can from this dickhead

Jumpers268 Wed 20-Jan-21 19:09:10

Oh this is awful. No one should EVER use something like that against you. No matter what. What an horrible person he is.

Buttercream22 Wed 20-Jan-21 19:12:02

He's abusive! What an awful, awful person. Leave and don't look back.

NovemberR Wed 20-Jan-21 19:12:09

You are, very sadly, with another abuser. Please block him from your life.

And he is aware of the fact that he is using your abuse as a way of hurting you more. He is gaining pleasure from it. Please, please leave.

BettyAndVeronica Wed 20-Jan-21 19:18:09

There is not coming back from what he has said.

It is so far from ok. There's nothing you or he can do to solve this issue or rectify his comments. It's done. LTB

winnieupland Wed 20-Jan-21 19:18:15

Thank you, ladies 🙏 I have told him that we’re done, we’re broken up, and I’ll make sure it stays that way. Every comment helps to remind me why I must do this.

OP’s posts: |
BettyAndVeronica Wed 20-Jan-21 19:19:57

Don't look back OP. He will never be the person for you. It could never be made better.

Head held heigh!!
Wish you all the best.

NovemberR Wed 20-Jan-21 19:20:22

Well done! That was brave and decisive of you and shows that you are stronger than you think you are.

Good luck for the future.

Bananaman123 Wed 20-Jan-21 19:21:41

What a disgusting thing to say, he is a total dickhead, as others have said he is abusive, get rid x

You deserve so much more

MsF1t Wed 20-Jan-21 19:26:23

Well, I think we have established why it is no one ever slept with him before, haven't we?

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace Wed 20-Jan-21 19:32:53

Oh sweetheart, he is so so wrong- you do NOT deserve this. He sounds threatened, spiteful and powerless and you do not need to stay with him for any reason. Tell him to fuck off and then fuck off again.

Jumpers268 Wed 20-Jan-21 19:33:22

He won't take the break up lying down, be prepared for apologies, anger, and then apologies. Please block him (I know it's hard). Also, well done! You deserve SO SO SO SO much better!

MondayYogurt Wed 20-Jan-21 19:37:33

OP well done on dumping him. I do also think you would benefit from reading up about cycles of abuse and identifying potential abusers so that you can better avoid falling into these traps again.

PlinkPlink Wed 20-Jan-21 19:46:54

I've been in a similar position to you OP.

Childhood sexual abuse
Groomed at 14
Sexually assaulted at 23

I've met some pretty awful blokes 🙈

I would never put up with a man saying that about my character. I'd never put up with him invalidating things in my past that frankly, altered my life. Telling people about my sexual assault the first time was traumatic enough. Not being believed the first time was hard enough.

You know how you hear women who have had trauma are somehow easily picked out by abusers? He sounds like one of those abusers.

Through the harshest lessons in life I have learnt to avoid them. Alarm bells would be ringing so loudly and I hope they are for you too.

You should NEVER have to convince someone that your trauma was non-consensual and unwanted. You should NEVER have to convince someone it's the truth.

Fuck that misogynistic, abusive bastard right off.

winnieupland Wed 20-Jan-21 19:47:18


Yep! He initially made it seem as though it was because he was shy.

OP’s posts: |
winnieupland Wed 20-Jan-21 20:21:50


Thank you for commenting. The fact that you have grown aware enough to be able to avoid these abusive men inspires me and gives me hope.

Sometimes it feels as if I see what’s around me through shattered eyeglasses, always scanning for a safe landing while unable to see the full view. I know I need time alone to better myself.

OP’s posts: |

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