Been seeing my DP for the last 2 years, known him for 3. Our children get along really well and his have said they love me and call me stepmum. Mine adore him and his parents and extended family have welcomed me so warmly, I feel really blessed.
Now to the actual issue.
In the first Year that we dated he seemed to lose interest about 3 month into casually dating and went a bit quiet. I let him go and said he needed to sort himself out and to come back if he did so. 2 months later he’s asking me out and we get along great, lots of nice activities taken together, weekends away, introduced the kids, Christmas together and it the Facebook official status. It was like he had made his mind up and I felt so happy.
Then I found out that in the early weeks of dating he’d had a one night stand, then when he went quiet on me he started seeing another girl and then had a another one night stand while he was seeing her, just dating around. He said he missed me and wanted to be with me and reached out again. Unbeknownst to me he kissed another woman and then kept chatting behind my back to one of his one night stands and to some other girl he’d never even met.
This is not about slating other women but these girls are very different from me. If that’s more his type then why keep coming back to me? I feel insecure about this.
I initially struggled with the infidelity and being deceived but I thought he’d made his mind up now and was running with his decision. In the initial stages of dating there can be overlaps and I am willing to accept that.
We had couples counselling and tried to just move forward. I struggled to forgive, I reminded him of his mistakes and things got more rocky.
We took some time out and then met again to see where we were both at. His kids said they had missed me and he was sobbing and begging me to give him a chance.
He’s not out a foot wrong this year. We’ve been on holiday and had days out and weekends away. He’s been a supportive partner and very open about his contacts. Nothing to suggest he wasn’t all in.
I then mentioned it would be nice to take the relationship further in the new year and move in together. He’s at mine most days/nights anyway. Sees his kids at mine and supports me with mine.
Since the divorce he’s been living at his parents.
When I said that he balked. He said he just wants us to „enjoy each other“. Then he said he doesn’t have the money and when pressed he said he wanted to keep his independence. And that if we moved in together I might not like him as much and might dump home or get bored. He’s then went on to say he’s afraid that if he jumps full in that if we don’t work out it will be his second failed relationship and “what will people say” (He divorced 3 years ago after she cheated on him with one of his mates.)
None of these things are rooted in facts. I have been loyal, never cheated, a family person who’s very loving and I‘m sure about my feelings for him.
Yesterday he said that he feels he has to tip-hoe around me, that I am so different from him. Highly educated, well off, very deep with my feelings and thoughts, very ambitious and strong-willed. That he feels he’s no match for me and that I might leave him for someone else. I felt hurt because I have never given him an idea that I wasn’t fully committed.
But I now feel that he’s not committed to me. I feel he wants me for my attractiveness and the perks of showing me off but not the rest of me.
I saw a message on his Facebook to another woman (just like he used to message these other girls - starting to chat) but when I said „Why don’t you tell me you don’t want to be with me instead of going behind my back?“ He’s now deleted it. I feel bad for snooping but something felt off and he has form. Please don’t flame me.
He keeps saying he loves me, wants to get married and be a family. But his actions speak differently. What do I do?
Please be gentle with me, I am having a rough time. One of my closest friends died of cancer very recently and I feel I have no one to talk to.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Advice please on DP - commitment issues - long post
Ncforthis1234567 · 20/01/2021 09:25
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