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Help me understand this..

(4 Posts)
anothergreyday Wed 20-Jan-21 06:24:20

Name changed for this because I'm so embarrassed that I still feel like this!

Split up with ex 2.5 years ago. Together 7 years, didn't live together. I finished it (he pursued relentlessly through the relationship) didn't love him, don't regret my decision and much happier for it.Throughout that time he has sent cards to me and my adult DC, text occasionally, sent a valentines gift, some kind of sporadic (not regular) contact, all whilst being with someone else. I have not met anyone else (haven't tried) He is in a committed relationship, which I'm happy he's found someone who can give him what I couldn't, no problem there.

My 'problem' is that I keep thinking about him (dreams especially) and have been since I found out he's in a committed relationship, which he's been in for at least 2 years. I absolutely have no desire to be with him, categorically do not regret the split, and did not want to be friends either, so I am desperately trying to fathom out why this man is in my head so much, it is really bothering me.

I can't seem to just 'pull myself together' either, so this is coming from somewhere deeper I think.

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Aquamarine1029 Wed 20-Jan-21 06:37:42

Stop overthinking this. Our brains do crazy things in our dreams. Your inner workings might be projecting your desire for a healthy relationship onto him, even though he is definitely not what you want. Just let these thoughts go, because they really don't mean anything.

Gliblet Wed 20-Jan-21 06:53:26

Sounds like a bit of a thinking loop. Your brain randomly drops him into a dream, or he randomly gets in touch, which makes you think about him, which means you do a bit of googling or Facebook stalking to see what he's up to, or you namedrop him into a conversation, which sustains the thinking, which means you think about him more, so you dream about him again, and so on. The more you do it, the more it happens.

If you're worried it does come from a deeper place and you can't rationalise your way out of it by reminding yourself that thinking can become habitual, can you afford to access counselling? You might find some skilled questioning from someone who's trained in picking out which lines of thought to follow helpful in working out if its actually him that's catching your attention, or something about your relationship, something about yourself, or something about what he represents to you that you need to resolve before you can move on.

anothergreyday Wed 20-Jan-21 07:39:47

@Aquamarine1029 I think it certainly lies around the desire for a healthy relationship, which, because he is in one with someone else, that I must have something wrong with me??

@Gliblet I agree that the random contact (one way only from him) does trigger thoughts, and these are continuing, so you might be on to something there as I'd not really thought of that..thank you

Thank you both. I really do need to work this one out, as it's really getting to me, as to why I think so much about a man who I could barely stand, and couldn't wait to be apart from, it just doesn't make sense! He didn't necessarily treat me badly, but was a pathological liar, as I found things out after the split. There's unfinished business going on in my head toosad

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