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Whenever we finally get to spend time together

(16 Posts)
Notsharon Tue 19-Jan-21 21:26:11

Sat here in tears.
I'm probably being overly emotional, but I'm utterly fed up of DHs company. We are both teachers with busy schedules, have 2 young children and by the time we've finally got DCs in bed and done an hour or so of work in the evenings, we're left with each other's company which I want to enjoy.

But, I'm so disappointed by it. There's no intimacy, no cuddling, no discussion about us or family plans for the future. DH just wants to talk my ear off about other people the whole time and their lives. I'm not in the least bit interested about all these people I barely know, but when I do respond and contribute to the conversation, he starts messing with his phone or becomes distracted by something else. I'm sick of being talked at.

This evening, he's been blatantly rude. Told me about his friends parents, I've then responded and as I'm talking, he's pulled his phone out and is scrolling social media. I've pointed this out to him and found myself getting surprisingly tearful. He has become defensive and offered no apology. I've then asked him to go into another room as a result, telling him I don't want his company and would rather sit alone with my book/ my thoughts.
He's gone out for a walk.
I feel like I never get the opportunity to express myself to him, not even about stuff that frankly, I couldn't care less about. What a shit state of affairs.

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Wed 20-Jan-21 00:05:41

I think you need to say you feel like you don’t want to hear about other people’s problems and you have some suggestions on what you’d like to talk about instead. Or walk off while he’s talking.

OnlineMadNess Wed 20-Jan-21 00:52:00

This is mental cruelty towards yourself. This will never improve.

Sunflower1970 Wed 20-Jan-21 04:57:14

Maybe you just need to sit down and have a frank conversation about how you are feeling. I’m married to a teacher who is finding lockdown a bit demoralizing. Talk to him and tell him you need to focus on each other and your own family . Maybe talking about other people is helping him escape from something deeper that is going on with the two of you that he is avoiding and he doesn’t want to face it?

rawlikesushi Wed 20-Jan-21 05:10:36

Well to me that's just different expectations.

You need cuddling and intimacy but he needs to process his day and offload.

No excuse for him going on his phone while you're talking though!

It's a really difficult time for everyone. We're all boring because we've got very little to talk about except work or a trip to the supermarket, and relationship fractures are highlighted as we're spending more time at home trapped in each other's company.

If you love each other and want to stay married you need to talk about this in a way that isn't accusatory and find a way to accommodate what each of you needs.

Could you spend an agreed amount of time talking about your day, without phones, and then do something together - cook and eat dinner, cuddle up with a movie, a walk, an early night.

rawlikesushi Wed 20-Jan-21 05:15:05

And I also think that he will have his own version of this story - she looks disinterested when I talk about my work, I only glanced at my phone for a second, she banished me from the room. Speaking as a divorced person, these are things to talk about before the gulf widens to the point of no return and chances are that you could both try harder to meet in the middle.

HugeAckmansWife Wed 20-Jan-21 07:54:54

ffs - mental cruelty?? Jesus!- as a pp said, you are just processing in different ways - I'm really missing adult company (also a teacher working from home) and if I had another adult in the house to talk to I probably bore them with random anecdotes. I've noticed a real drop off in my and other's enthusiasm for zoom calls because we have nothing to say - we're not doing anything! Just talk to him - tell him how you feel and suggest something to do together like a game or box set to give you some common ground.

gannett Wed 20-Jan-21 08:04:11

Sometimes I scroll social media for a topic of conversation if the chat's stagnated a bit between DP and I. Anything from "look at this silly dog" to "what the hell is in the news now". Obviously getting out the phone mid-conversation is a bit rude though.

What do you want to talk about? When you're with loud extroverts or big talkers you can sometimes feel they control every single conversation but if you want to chat about something else you just have to go for it.

Personally I like to share anecdotes of what people I know have been up to, DP is less into it, our best conversations are about politics and arty stuff.

Talking about "us" or "family plans for the future" is not really casual relaxing chat to me, it's a Serious Conversation to bring up when neither of us needs to unwind and I'd rather not have those Serious Conversations that much.

DinosaurDiana Wed 20-Jan-21 08:09:46

You need to ban certain subjects as it’s winding you up.
I won’t go into why, but I no longer entertain any talk of my DH’s mother as the whole situation winds me up.
You two need to do some thing else together, you are understandably bored. What about a board game night or something ?

crimsonlake Wed 20-Jan-21 08:11:41

I think there is more to it....he talks and expects you to listen. You try to contribute to the conversation and he is not interested in what you have to say. It may have something to do with the lockdown situation...but maybe not.

Woodlandbelle Wed 20-Jan-21 08:14:00

I think I can see this from both sides.
Everyone is bored and have little to talk about. Why not watch a film or series together and no phones. That way he isn't telling you about his friends parents problems or whatever (my dh is a little bit like this but he knows as I say 'oh I don't know those people or they are of a different generation)

JorisBonson Wed 20-Jan-21 09:35:47

How often do you want to discuss your relationship or future plans?

Notsharon Wed 20-Jan-21 10:00:40

I perhaps could have expanded a little yesterday but I was feeling emotional. I think what upset me was that, when I challenged him and said "you've just started a conversation and now I'm contributing, you're rudely scrolling social media."
To which he sighed and shrugged his shoulders and carried on scrolling. I was feeling a bit emotional yesterday (don't want to deviate as to why) and I became tearful. He was sat right next to me in bed, looked at me, could see I was tearful and continued scrolling his SM feed.
I then asked him to leave as the whole situation just made me feel weird. I'd said him ignoring me had upset me, he shrugged it off and sighed, then continued ignoring me when I became further upset by his reaction.
I guess my point about the boring topics of conversation was that, despite me not wanting to talk abouy what he does, I'm still making the effort to listen and respond and then he treats me like I don't matter. Seems such a tiny thing, but for some reason, it has really upset me.

OP’s posts: |
Sunflower1970 Wed 20-Jan-21 10:23:21

I think there is pent up frustration on both sides probably the same as a lot of us. When you are feeling less upset I'd tell him how his lack of interest made you feel. If your marriage is generally good I would just put this down to the horrible situation we are all in and make allowances for his behaviour. I've noticed myself and my husband have peaks and troughs - we're happily married but last week he was demoralised in school and came home feeling mentally drained. Im sure it will work out xx

Woodlandbelle Wed 20-Jan-21 12:15:35

Dh ignores it if me if I get emotional

So I tend to go out and do my own thing and then talk to him when I have composed myself. Men don't like to be criticised I find. It infuriates me

FAQs Wed 20-Jan-21 12:33:16

Oh I do that and my daughter told me off for it, didn’t mean I wasn’t listening although I did put the phone down and apologised, just a bad habit I’ve got into.

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