Moving In Together

[cosmicbabe]

After being single for 6 years and living alone (loved it). Me and my boyfriend of 2 years have just moved in together. Well he's moved into mine before we move into our house we've jointly bought.

Is it normal to feel like I feel my space has been invaded lol. Honestly he's not done anything but it's just annoying me him being here!! I know he enjoys sex every night and in the morning or at least a BJ and he would reciprocate no problem in that area everyday but I'm exhausted! I like to go to bed at night and read and chill. Now I'm sharing meals, the TV, my bed.

Any advice from people that were previously long time single and now trying to adjust to not being ... x

[Aquamarine1029]

I think you should have given living together a go before you bought a house with him. I know several people who absolutely do not want to ever live with a partner again. It simply does not work for them at all. You may be one of these people.

[JorisBonson]

What @Aquamarine1029 said. DH and I rented for a year before we started looking for somewhere to buy together.

Also, you don't have to have sex with him if you don't want to. He'll get over it.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I have been separated 3 years and have got very used to my own space. When I spend more than a few days at a time with my partner I feel suffocated and annoyed...a bit like you. I love him but I don’t want to live with him or anyone else (apart form my kids).

But then I haven’t just bought a house with him!

Maybe you will feel differently when you move into your new home as it’s both of yours, rather than him moving into your home where you probably feel quite protective of your things, routine and space.

[ComtesseDeSpair]

Just because you live together, doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. DP and I both lived happily alone for several years before we moved in together. We both knew that long hours of enforced togetherness would drive us insane. We don’t share all our meals, quite often we eat separate dinners at separate times and spend the evening in separate places doing separate things if we want to. Ultimately, it means the time we do spend together is more enjoyable and our lives haven’t just merged into a tedious trudge of mutual domesticity.

The sex issue you have to clearly set out your expectations and tell him you don’t appreciate being woken for sex (if you don’t) and that “I’m going for an early night with my book” is not code for “let’s bang” (if it isn’t.)

[BibbityBobbety]

Erm, I don't think it's a good sign to already feel annoyed having your partner around... especially as you're saying he isn't doing anything bad but you just want more space.

Living together doesn't mean doing everything together or even always sitting in the same room. However, you should be able to have these conversations in a relationship and feel comfortable being open and honest about what your expectations are. The fact you aren't doing that is a worry. Because it indicates you're not that comfortable with him or the relationship yet.

Some people just can't live with a partner. Could this be you? I lived alone for 8 years before I moved in with my exH and had no problems with it. So it's not just about adjusting to living together, it's about how much you enjoy it. Alternatively, it's your relationship and maybe you don't enjoy being around your bf or in the relationship as much as you thought?

Only advice atm is to talk to him about what space or routines you want to establish, and find compromises. If you've now bought a house together then you're going to have to figure this stuff out quickly. But if you find you still get irritated or annoyed with having him around.... you have many years ahead of this, so you'll have to consider how much compromise you're willing to make.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Ooh going from not living together to buying together is a bloody big step! Was there a reason you decided to do that?

[missbunnyrabbit]

I find this interesting. I've always lived alone, got my own house etc, and my boyfriend of 7 months is buying his first house soon. He's made it very very clear that he has no intentions of us moving in together for a very very very long time, if ever.

The arrangement works, so long as I see him every other day. If we spend more than a night apart, I get extremely lonely. But I think, if we lived together, wouldn't it be so mundane? It makes it special when we see each other, because it's not every day. We have our own space. Plus, I really value my alone time inbetween seeing him. It's a time to recharge.

I think if I ever move in with him, we will have to do what a poster above suggests - have lots of separate time!

[katy1213]

It seems crazy to buy a house together before you've tried living together. But it probably feels worse because he's moved into your space, rather than it being joint space.
Separate rooms might be a good idea - or at least your own study/sitting room. I couldn't be doing with someone under my feet all the time. It'll be easier when you can at least go out for an evening without him!

[Nouveau2021]

My DP moved into my flat just over a year ago so we could save for a house. I only had my flat 3 months before I met him and I’m a lover of alone time. I loved my flat as soon as I stepped inside to view, it felt like home. I enjoyed spending time with him at his flat or mine but I also loved going home or him going home. Like really loved it when he went home 😂

I was single for a long time and I’ve never lived with anyone (apart from my first bf when I was 18, but I could still see my mums house from the window and I never moved all my stuff in so it wasn’t really real 😂). I moved out one other time with a flat mate who screwed me over and other than that I’ve always lived at home so I’ve never really experienced living by myself or with a romantic partner.

He moved in after 18 months and it’s taken me a good while to get used to having someone in my space all the time. I say all the time, he works away a lot but during the first lockdown it was exceptionally hard as it’s a small one bedroom, top floor flat with no outdoor space. I felt like it couldn’t breathe, as much as I love him I genuinely thought it might not work out after lockdown.

If I need space I go to my mums or I tell him I’m having a night in the bedroom watching Netflix and he stays in the livingroom and watches his tv shows. Now we’re nearer to buying a house, it feels much better and easier knowing that we’ll soon have more space. We had to have many conversations about housework and doing dishes and boundaries to get to where we are but I would definitely much rather have him in my space than not seeing him everyday now.

I think if you’ve been single for a long time you do get used to doing your own thing so I wouldn’t write it off just yet, living with someone else is hard, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows no matter how much “perfect relationship” MN’s make it out to be.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

Oh, OP, I do get it! My boyfriend has moved in over lock-down. We are both savagely anti-social, and last night he in fact asked me to stop talking - twice! At first, both times, I did a bit of a double-take, before realising I completely got his point.....

He is working away now, and it’s been great in some ways to get some space. But at the same time I miss him dreadfully, and would certainly be happily asleep now if he was here.....

Alas, the vagueries of the human heart! No advice to give - wish I knew the solution to this one myself! It’s hard. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them......

[whoamongstus]

It's a proper test of a relationship, living together - I'd hold off buying anything together until you've tried it for a bit!

It's normal to have to adjust to having someone else in your space though - have you got enough room to have your own spaces in the house? OH and I spend plenty of time doing our own thing so we're not constantly in each other's space.

And you absolutely don't need to have sex every day. If you fancy a bath and an early night and don't want to have sex, tell him - chances are over your relationship you're not going to have sex every day, life and changing sex drives get in the way. So feel comfortable with saying no when you're not feeling it - if he reacts badly, then that's a much bigger issue. But a nice man isn't going to react badly: if I don't want to have sex/my OH doesn't want to have sex, but the other is clearly feeling that way inclined, we just can tell from context and the vibe they give off that they're not in the mood and we leave it. It doesn't have to be a "No leave me alone".

[Wanderlusto]

Good gosh yeah I would never buy a house with a guy that didnt at least have a spare room I could sleep in some nights.

I was long term single intol recently and tbh if it works out I still don't know if i would ever want to share a home. But an extra bedroom and bathroom would be essential if I did. You can
Live with someone without living in their pocket.

A bj every day? Haha the lucky guy.
That'll get tiresome fast though surely :/

If it's annoying the shit out if you already then listen to your damn instincts! This isn't the sort of thing that fixes itself. Ask for personal space. Could be a good test to see if he respects it. Dont move in to the new place with him if it isnt working as is.

[Hangingover]

It's not for everyone.

Me and DP have been together 5 years and in the time he's lived at mine, me at his and together while traveling. We've settle on separate houses in the same town.

[Sunflower1970]

You are just adjusting. I’m surprised you both a place together without ever having lived together. When you move into the new place it’ll be mutual ground and you’ll have the excitement of your first proper home. I’m sure it’ll be fine... are you renting out your place just in case it doesn’t work out and you have somewhere to go back to???!!!!

[cosmicbabe]

Thanks for all your replies. They are all helpful. So the new house is a big 4 bed and I have my own study to work in. He will be back to work too. I think it's just lockdown and homeschooling too.

We are buying together as we have both been renting for years which is dead money. We have a fantastic deal in a house and we are in our 40,s so wanted to get on the ladder. I do really love him and he me.

So I will have a chat to him today and share my feelings. I did do this last week and he was really supportive xx

[Countrywalking]

Honestly I wouldn't worry too much. I lived on my own, with my own flat before moving in with my now husband. It took a while to find our balance.
I am very independent and he had to realise that I needed space and time on my own. This used to work as he plays a lot of sport so was always out for Saturday's and mid week.
But now it's the lock down and any couple will be feeling it. We're all feeling suffocated and it's not normal for any of us or our relationships right now.
It'd be odd of you didn't feel a bit pressured under these circumstances.

[MixMatch]

You don't have to live together you know. It isn't compulsory. Living together mainly favours men because they get all the benefits of a wife, with no actual legal commitment to the woman. And often the woman is on "good behaviour" if she's hoping for a proposal at some point. If you think you may want to marry in the future I wouldn't live with him.

[cosmicbabe]

@MixMatch

You don't have to live together you know. It isn't compulsory. Living together mainly favours men because they get all the benefits of a wife, with no actual legal commitment to the woman. And often the woman is on "good behaviour" if she's hoping for a proposal at some point. If you think you may want to marry in the future I wouldn't live with him.

Marriage isn't on the top of the list. I'm happy to cohabit without marriage.

[harknesswitch]

Sex every day and oral In the morning too, Jesus sod that. I hope you're happy with that op otherwise the novelty will quickly wear off and it might become a. Issue.

[SweatyBetty20]

It'll take a period of adjustment; I think me and the boyfriend will move in together at some point but not for a very long time; I'm aiming for when his kids move out in about ten years! My mum moved into a house with my dad the day after her wedding day in 1971 - moving straight from her mum's into their new marital home. I remember her telling me that within a month she was thinking of divorce! At least we've got the opportunity to try things out without the stigma of "living in sin"

[Falcone]

It's not for everyone.

Me and DP have been together 5 years and in the time he's lived at mine, me at his and together while traveling. We've settle on separate houses in the same town.


Same, have been together 6 years and live near each other, but I love my own space too much to consider living together. Unless I can afford a house with a bedroom each it won't happen, lol!