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Regaining trust after cheating

(34 Posts)
Premdalem Tue 19-Jan-21 10:34:43

My DP cheated on me in the summer, typical scenario of a work colleague. Things had gotten tough between us in the last year due to a new baby, so that was his excuse.
He told me, said how sorry he was, he didn’t love her, he loved me. So we tried again, then I had an inkling he was still in contact with her (they work for same company but not together) I asked him, he admitted it and said he felt guilt towards her as she’s being upset about it ending,was depressed, suicidal thoughts etc hence him contacting her again. So after a long chat he said he would block her and he showed me.

How do I get the trust back? Is it possible? Every time I see him online I assume he is talking to her, due to him lying in the past. He is not the most open person with his feelings which makes it harder.

Please no LTB comments, constructive opinions on regaining that trust.

OP’s posts: |
NameChanged294749 Tue 19-Jan-21 10:39:32

Couples counselling is essential in my opinion. As is no contact with the woman in question and complete transparency with you. No bullshit "she is unhappy, I need to support her" BS. She is an adult woman who is responsible for her own emotions. If your husband feels the need to involve himself in HER recovery at the expense of YOUR recovery then he is still betraying you in my opinion and damaging your relationship. Spell that out to him. There is no middle ground here. She's collateral damage and has to deal with that herself. She got herself into the situation so can get herself out.

AbbeyBelfast Tue 19-Jan-21 10:41:44

I'm really sorry, it's a horrible situation.

Personally speaking, no I don't think it's salvageable. Your relationship will certainly never be the same.

You will always question things in your mind, have doubts, you'll never fully trust him.

It's up to you to decide if you can live like that for the sake of the family, or if you want better for yourself (hint: you deserve better)

Again, I'm really sorry you're going through this.

IfIHadAHeart Tue 19-Jan-21 10:44:24

I’m afraid this can’t be fixed. He is still choosing her and doesn’t even want to put you first. I’m sorry.

ErickBroch Tue 19-Jan-21 10:46:32

You say no LTB comments and how to regain trust but you can't regain trust with someone who is lying to you repeatedly. You can't and shouldn't. If you want to try and stay together then that's your decision but not sure why you'd want to trust him again right now?

NameChanged294749 Tue 19-Jan-21 10:49:01

Ps. If she is talking about suicide then you can alert social services or your husband's HR to let them know she has disclosed worrying information to you. You do not take on that burden as a couple and your husband certainly does not make himself responsible for her mental health.

Dontforgetyourbrolly Tue 19-Jan-21 11:27:58

You cant regain trust op. What you are really asking is for tips on how you can turn a blind eye and live without anxiety when you know deep down he will cheat on you again.
I'm sorry you are going through this . Decide how long you can be miserable for and take it from there.

Sandals19 Tue 19-Jan-21 11:35:55

Your dh has betrayed you when you have a new baby together, when you were at your most vulnerable & dependant do far .... and left a young woman he works with suicidal by messing with her/using her for sex, excitement, distraction etc.

I bet she was already vulnerable and I bet he told her a heap of shite to get her to get her involved with him & have sex with him.

You can do what you like, however you like
.... but he's a not a good person or partner when it comes down to it. You'd be better getting your ducks in a row to get rid of him in future.

Wanderlusto Tue 19-Jan-21 11:40:36

Its not up to you to regain trust, it's up to him to prove he is trustworthy.

I'm not sure that's possible but if so, it would be a continuous process for the rest of the relationship. I don't know if there would come a point where you would decide he was trustworthy, somewhere down the line...but you have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone longterm when the trust is gone and may never come back.

Tbh, I'd be done at his staying in contact with her. It's so disrespectful to you. And a man who doesnt respect you can only ever be trusted to hurt you.

But either way, remember that it's never the betrayed persons job to just get over being betrayed. It's the betrayed job to earn forgiveness,consistently over time (IF you even want to give them that chance. Because you certainly arent obligated to).

Wanderlusto Tue 19-Jan-21 11:42:12

*its the betrayers job to earn forgiveness

Sandals19 Tue 19-Jan-21 11:47:27

If she's in any way a junior work colleague, he's also acted unprofessionally in work and could be disciplined or even sacked if it gets out.

Even if she isnt junior in any way, I wouldn't want someone like him in my organisation; shots in his own doorstep, destabilises colleagues causing them to absentee or affects their work at best, creates dynamics that shouldn't exist .... I know a guy like this through my partner's work and he ended up being made redundant (he acted unprofessionally in other ways too, but his two affairs with colleagues were seen negatively by management and another reason to get him out)... People know about these things, they're obvious even when the affair couple think they're not.

A man like this is just an all round mess however together he may appear on the surface; and likely to cause instability and unhappiness and stress in your life.

You should be concentrating on the often very tough job of looking after your baby and instead you're dealing with this - pain for you and stress with his affair partner's mental health problems.
Cheating is actually abuse, and it affects the betrayed partners mental health a d ability to be a happy, settled, undistracted, relaxed, focused parent, do it affects their children too.

He's not your friend.
He's his own friend, that's about it.

Premdalem Tue 19-Jan-21 11:56:57

Thanks for all the replies, as much as I said don’t say LTB I guess that deep down I do need to hear that. He’s had too many chances, he’s not doing anything at all to regain trust. Counselling is briefly mentioned, then forgotten about. I don’t know his phone password, he still puts phone down if I go near him. It’s not like he’s moving heaven and earth to make this work. I think he’s using me because of lockdown boredom and he has me looking after him, raising him up etc when I should be doing all of this but with myself.
What is scaring me to end this? I’m not scared of being alone, I’ve done it before and probably took more care of myself when I was single. All of my energy seems to go into him.

OP’s posts: |
Sandals19 Tue 19-Jan-21 11:57:32

Having reread your post, it's possible he's exaggerating or lying about her mental health problems to excuse why he was back in contact with her ... "Oh she feels suicuidal, I felt i had to support her" etc with the implication it's because he's a nice person.

Funny how these guys cheat on their partners and baby's mother while convincing both the partner and affair partner that he's really a nice guy.

Yeah he's Mother Theresa.
There wouldnt be a suicidal, upset affair partner anywhere in the picture if he hadn't stepped out on his partner while they had a new baby.

Anyway if beware of it being excuses as to why he was contact, and wonder whether he'll be back in contact in spite of showing he's blocked her on one platform. Presumably they can talk in work.

NameChanged294749 Tue 19-Jan-21 12:03:21

@premdalem I think you have answered your own question in your last post. Now what are you going to do. Whose house is it?

Sandals19 Tue 19-Jan-21 12:09:18

It sounds like there's a lot of background to this, and like this behaviour is not isolated (as is often the case). He sounds selfish and low integrity.

You can escape this relationship with one child as things are currently, it could be more difficult in future if you have more children/get tied in financially etc.

Wanderlusto Tue 19-Jan-21 12:11:45

Yeh I mean no one likes a break up but life really is easier without this shit in it.

'The trust is gone and I dont feel you deserve it back (So pack your shit and if you fuck xD)'.

Maybe see about all the legal stuff before letting him know its over.

Puzzledandpissedoff Tue 19-Jan-21 12:14:07

He’s had too many chances, he’s not doing anything at all to regain trust. Counselling is briefly mentioned, then forgotten about. I don’t know his phone password, he still puts phone down if I go near him. It’s not like he’s moving heaven and earth to make this work

As PPs have said, the key lies in the effort he's prepared to make and unfortunately he's not making any at all. It's no use "persuading" him to do this - the initiative has to come from him, and if it doesn't I'd say it's doomed even if you could somehow pretend to yourself that the past never happened

I wouldn't put too much store in his claims about her being suicidal either; she may be, but more likely it's a ridiculous excuse for continued contact (and quite a convenient one since she could have a "relapse" at any time)

Premdalem Tue 19-Jan-21 12:32:12

Luckily we are not financially merged. He’s currently staying at his friends house (his friend is abroad with work & has being for quite a bit). So there is no issues with the house (rented from my family member in my name only) and no financial ties or joint accounts.
It would be so much easier if I didn’t have to deal with him and could cut contact fully, but sadly can’t do that with a baby.

OP’s posts: |
JohnBarron Tue 19-Jan-21 12:48:45

He should be taking full responsibility and making very effort possible to try and fix this but he isn’t, which tells you everything.

Maze76 Tue 19-Jan-21 12:51:20

My husband had an affair with his work colleague. We had been through gruelling IVF and I sadly suffered a miscarriage, he couldn’t handle the fact that it was his medical issues that meant we had to go through IVF. So while he did a shitty thing, I could see the circumstances which lead to the 6 week affair. She actually did attempt her life and ended up in hospital, although the drs were not convinced she’d actually taken anything, so I’m guessing she was trying to manipulate my hubs. A year on, it’s not been easy and no, the relationship isn’t the same, but-we are very slowly rebuilding. What I will say is reconciliation takes time and means going back to basics. I don’t believe that an affair necessarily means you have to end the relationship and I’m not all together convinced that couples counselling is right for every one sometimes it can actually make things worse. However, I sought individual counselling and that really benefited me. At the end of the day the only person who can make the decision is you, but give yourself time. If you need space ask him to leave, take the actions and all the time you need, it is not a race, it is your life.

NameChanged294749 Tue 19-Jan-21 12:57:53

It sounds like you're actually in a really good position house/rental-wise. It could definitely be more complicated if, for example, you owned the house jointly or were still living together. I appreciate getting there emotionally is much tougher flowers - just remember the ball is firmly in your court!

Personally, he wouldn't be crossing my threshold again if he was a multiple offender and/or failing to take initiative to help your relationship recover. His actions on the one hand, and lack of action on the other all point in the same direction... you are going to struggle to rebuild trust with someone exhibiting this type of behaviour. Maybe seek some IRL support from a friend or professional in terms of how to manage him. The words "arm's length" spring to mind.

victoriaspongecake Tue 19-Jan-21 12:58:37

He’s cheated once. He’ll do it again. Move on.

evenBetter Tue 19-Jan-21 13:06:49

He’s not even pretending to try, he must think you’re desperate and so he can continue to treat you like trash. It’s good he’s just a boyfriend, discard him and communicate by email about child contact.

Falcone Tue 19-Jan-21 13:19:29

You don't want us to say LTB but you almost certainly will get hurt again if you stay with him.

Changemaname1 Tue 19-Jan-21 13:22:48

It isn’t what you want to hear but I personally don’t believe you can regain it .

That’s not how trust works . You give someone trust and they break it to me that’s done . Especially during a time when you had a young baby. Gross .

That’s not to say I think all people that cheat will do it again because I don’t think that but that’s not the same as being able to trust someone because you simply don’t know if they will do it again . So you can forgive and try move on but that’s about it .

He’s already not putting you first though so doesn’t sound like he regrets it that much

Sorry op

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