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Is this a good enough reason?

(141 Posts)
flowers08 Mon 18-Jan-21 17:34:43

I have not long been seeing someone and one of our mutual friends recently let slip that he has a 4 year old daughter who he has no contact with. She lives in the same town as we do.

When I asked him, he said daughter was a result of a one night stand. He said when the mother told him, he went off and thought about it for a bit but ultimately decided that he was not going to have anything to do with the child. He said it is not his proudest moment but he stands by his decision. Maybe not my business but I was thinking me and him had a future so I did ask, why? What made you make that decision? And he said, he was having a good time being fairly young (early 20s) and he didn't know the mum that well and didn't want to be with her. The thing is, he has expressed to me that he would like children in the future, marriage etc. (before I found out about his daughter). This has obviously made me question his morals and I can't get it out of my head that this young girl is growing up without her father and she lives in the same town. It has made me look at him in a totally different way now.

Is the fact she was the result of a one night stand honestly a good enough reason? It doesn't feel like it to me - I think if you make your bed you lie in it. I haven't said this to him directly (yet) but as an adult surely you know this could be the outcome? And how could I ever think about having children with someone who can so easily blank out the fact they already have an existing child?

OP’s posts: |
HollowTalk Mon 18-Jan-21 17:36:13

That's terrible. All of it says so much about him and none of it is good.

StrawBeretMoose Mon 18-Jan-21 17:38:31

He sounds like a loser and it's good you've found out now.
He didn't need to stay with the mum, but he should have stepped up for the child.

ChristOnAPeloton Mon 18-Jan-21 17:38:52

Ditch him before you get too attached. I don’t think there’s any future with anyone who has such different values to you.

He sounds dreadful.

HitchFlix Mon 18-Jan-21 17:38:56

Yuck. Says everything you need to know about his character. Selfish twat. I assume he never would have told you either? I'd throw this one back in OP.

Merryoldgoat Mon 18-Jan-21 17:42:52

I couldn’t stay with a man who did that.

CastleCrasher Mon 18-Jan-21 17:42:54

Does he pay for his daughter? Not that that would make it ok to ignore her existence, but that's a total line in the sand in my book

RuggerHug Mon 18-Jan-21 17:43:14

Run for the hills.

flowers08 Mon 18-Jan-21 17:43:39

Thanks - I don't think there is much coming back from this but wanted opinions as I know he is going to argue that it was the mothers choice to continue the pregnancy etc.

It doesn't matter though really to me - the fact remains this girl IS here. It's also the fact he has mentioned wanting children in the future, I just think it's pretty cold to be able to say that when you have a child already that you do not acknowledge.

OP’s posts: |
AndcalloffChristmas Mon 18-Jan-21 17:46:01

Terrible. I wouldn’t want anything to do with him.

Same4Walls Mon 18-Jan-21 17:46:47

I would be able to stay after such a bombshell. His behaviour towards this little girl is terrible and it makes it a thousand times worse that at no point did he ever consider telling you about her.

Terracottasaur Mon 18-Jan-21 17:46:57

Of course it’s not good enough. When is there ever a good enough reason to abandon your child?!

Same4Walls Mon 18-Jan-21 17:47:09

*would not

Plussizejumpsuit Mon 18-Jan-21 17:47:25

Massive no for me. Its not really about whether it was a good enough reason. Its about how you feel about it. I think it tells you everything you need to know about him morally, emotionally and how he will behave in future. Ditch him.

GlowingOrb Mon 18-Jan-21 17:49:56

I would have an easier time understanding that he committed a crime in his youth than that he abandoned a child. He is an absolutely unsuitable candidate for a serious relationship.

flowers08 Mon 18-Jan-21 17:50:52

There isn't a good enough reason, not to me and everyone here, but he obviously thinks his reasoning was acceptable. He is one of those people that can come across real charming and can get around you by acting the victim so I already know he is going to play it at an angle that makes it sound entirely reasonable that he made that decision.

OP’s posts: |
RunningFromInsanity Mon 18-Jan-21 17:50:57

This is difficult for me because I don’t want to be a mum. Not at all. If I got pregnant I would (and have) terminate without hesitation.

If that decision was taken out of my hands? If I was forced to have a child? I would resent being forced to interact with it.
I think men are in the same position.

flowers08 Mon 18-Jan-21 17:54:03

'@RunningFromInsanity I do understand that but my position on that is he should of taken precautions if he was that against being a father. he didnt, he has admitted it was unprotected. And he said he does want kids - how can someone say that when they already have a child? It seems to me it was more he just didn't want to be with the girls mum

OP’s posts: |
Mintjulia Mon 18-Jan-21 17:55:29

No way. If he was a half decent person, he would be a father to his child. The one night stand isn't the child's fault. Does he pay a sensible amount to ensure his daughter has what she needs or is he a cheapskate who pays the minimum he can get away with?

How will you ever know he won't walk away from you too? I'd dump him for being a morality-free-zone.

HugeAckmansWife Mon 18-Jan-21 18:00:07

If he absolutely didn't want to and knew he'd be unreliable, inconsistent etc then its probably best he stayed away BUT he absolutely should have been paying maintenance and the fact that he hasn't been (I assume?) would have me sprinting for the hills.

Brighterthansunflowers Mon 18-Jan-21 18:02:42

I couldn’t respect anyone who chose to reject their child like this. Don’t want a baby, take responsibility for contraception, and if mistakes happen deal with it like a fucking grown up.

I would run a million miles. If he’s done it to one child, he might do it to any you have with him too.

Elieza Mon 18-Jan-21 18:02:50

He didn’t want a kid then but the mum may not have wanted one either. He walks away scot free and she’s to do all the work! Probably with no or minimum financial assistance from him.

Fuck that. He is a selfish prick and I’d be dumping him by text. He doesn’t deserve anything more. He is horrible.

Woe betide you if you accidentally are pregnant as you will be dumped like a hot potato too.

There is no form of contraception emotion which is 100% effective. So I’d move on quickly without him.

MasterBeth Mon 18-Jan-21 18:04:11

What a fucking shit.

Connelloni Mon 18-Jan-21 18:07:51

A woman I know had children with a man who didn’t see his already existing children with someone else. He had loads of reasons and excuses. He is now divorced from the woman I know and doesn’t see his children with her either. They’ve been adopted by her new partner and the bio dad is not the slightest bit bothered.

If he can do it once he’ll do it again, he’s shown you he is absolutely able to cut off his child and go about his normal life. If that’s someone you want to get into a relationship with and have children with, more fool you.

RunningFromInsanity Mon 18-Jan-21 18:07:57

flowers08

'*@RunningFromInsanity* I do understand that but my position on that is he should of taken precautions if he was that against being a father. he didnt, he has admitted it was unprotected. And he said he does want kids - how can someone say that when they already have a child? It seems to me it was more he just didn't want to be with the girls mum

Ah, the no contraception changes it for me then

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