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Relationships

Fed up with work shy husband

187 replies

boopeep76 · 18/01/2021 07:09

Background - married 20 years with 2 teenagers (15, 17). 9 years ago DH made redundant. Didn't know what he wanted to do and I wanted to work a bit more. Decided he would take a some time to think about what he wanted to do, perhaps retrain etc (He never has). He was never a full SAHD - kids were at school, my job had flexi hours/term time only - so whilst he did so some schools runs/childcare - it was still less then me and not something a working parent couldn't do. He would be in charge when I have to work away from home, but he also (pre-covid) would have on average 2 x 2 weeks walking trips away every year. He also never stepped up to take on more home stuff really. Despite half heartedly saying he was waiting for the right thing, thinking about various etc things he had never looked for a job. Alongside this he has had terrible bouts of depression - so I foolishly never pushed it as we can live off of my wages. Things came to a bit of a head (with is moods and lack of effort) about 6 months ago. He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better. His mood has improved loads (suddenly he's the happy one in the house after years of us walking on eggshells) and has stepped up doing more in the house but no effort with the job (one of the big promises). I know it is hard with covid but I genuinely feel he is happy to do nothing and using this as an excuse. What has really got me is he has said he wants to work part time. I actually don't have a problem with this in theory if part time is 3.5 - 4 days a week - but then he drops in 1 - 2 days a week. I am literally fuming inside. We have 20+ years left until pension (with no private pension either). How the f**k does he think that even covers his living costs let along contribute to the family and our future? In fact I can't even picture a future with him at the moment. This would be such a shock to him as he thinks he is the perfect adoring DH (I do get lots of love and complements but I feel these are hollow words because of his lack of action). He thinks I am obsessed by money because we don't "need" more money. Please tell me I am not insane - being made to feel like I am in the wrong for asking this, and like a doormat (which I know is of my own making). Need some wise words to tackle this as it is effecting my mood, sleep etc

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gutful · 18/01/2021 07:13

He thought you were going to leave so has made the right noises, but hasn’t actually found a job.

I would tell him you’re at the end of your rope & he gets a job - a full time job - now or you’re done. 9 years with no job is taking the piss.

I would advise If you’re considering ending the marriage that he gets a job beforehand or you will end up supporting him.

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Superstardjs · 18/01/2021 07:15

What does he actually DO all day? I have no advice I'm afraid but I could not live with or respect a person who does not contribute in any way.The only thing that would stick in my craw is losing half my house and savings to someone who did fuck all to deserve them.

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DonLewis · 18/01/2021 07:19

Ah, but it's not about more money now, is it? It's about your future. And security.

I've had a period of unemployment recently. I had to five up my career job to look after my mum. She has since died. So, whilst we've managed on one salary, it's no fun and I worry that if anything should happen to DHs job, we'd be fucked. So I've started working again. I started very part time, and have just gone up to 3.5 days a week.

The great thing about it is that we don't rely on my salary l, so we're paying off a smallish credit card debt with or and building up some savings.

The point is, I didn't want all that pressure on my dh. And I wanted more security for our future. (I also did everything around the house and to do with the kids while I was not working. Because, you know, it's only fair). He's not thinking about you or your future while he's happy to be a man of leisure.

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dogmandu · 18/01/2021 07:24

it's also about the kind of example he's showing to his children. ' No need to work, expect others to pay for and care for me.' He really does need a kick up the pants.

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custardbear · 18/01/2021 07:28

He needs a kick up the arse and a reality check!

How will you live on the state pension?! You must have a fabulously paid job if you can live off of your part time salary! How about ambition - honestly I couldn't be arsed with this behaviour

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something2say · 18/01/2021 07:29

You are most certainly not insane.

He is riding on your back and its rightly pissing you off.

He needs to be told straight up.

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user1493413286 · 18/01/2021 07:32

He’s not worked but also not taken on more of the work at home? I’m not sure I’d be able to forgive that, it just seems so selfish that you’ve done everything and he hasn’t

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lovelemoncurd · 18/01/2021 07:33

What a lazy . You've been taken for a ride. I would seek advice from a solicitor and get rid. He's not going to change his spots now. You deserve better.

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Dashel · 18/01/2021 07:36

Is he even going to be eligible for a full pension if he carry’s on not working?

This isn’t a good way to live and I wouldn’t have put up with it for so long, you might survive on one wage but you could have had so much more on two wages, holidays, savings, paying off a mortgage, private pensions, university savings for the dc etc.

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Sunflowergirl1 · 18/01/2021 07:48

How do you have any respect for this lazy waster?

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Oblomov20 · 18/01/2021 07:48

Good grief. What a pisstaker. That would really have me off.

What have your recent conversations been like. What is his response when you say : no 1-2 days is not ok, 3-4 is better.

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AlwaysCheddar · 18/01/2021 07:51

He’s taking the Mickey. Leave, or kick him out.

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Rockpooler · 18/01/2021 07:54

How on earth are you managing on one term time wage - surviving I imagine, but think of all the experiences you and the dc are missing out of.

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RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 18/01/2021 07:57

If he were being a SAHD and househusband I could understand but he just sounds like a lazy teenager.

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sandgrown · 18/01/2021 07:59

My ex was like this . He did eventually take agency work which led to a full time job. He was so used to me funding everything even when he started earning he was very tight with his money. We have recently separated and he is trying to claim the house is all his because, due to financial commitments at the time, his sole name on the mortgage . Despite me paying everything but the mortgage for years and all childcare costs I have a long legal fight ahead .

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marly11 · 18/01/2021 08:02

OP I could have written your post except mine did do some part time work but always moaned about how he hated the job, and the weight of how much of a big deal and the hassle when he had to do some tasks at home related to it, was unbearable . This is a very stressful situation to put up with. I had listened to many empty words about ideas for other work etc that never materialised. In the end I left him. I feel so much better now. If I were you I would, in the background, siphon off some cash and ensure that for the next few months you are not having your money spent on his comfort. The big danger as others have said is that you will lose half of everything to him despite him having done little to contribute.

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boopeep76 · 18/01/2021 08:07

@custardbear @Rockpooler I run my own business now but that means that I am able to choose most of the time the hours I work, and even before covid more than 50% was doable from home. In school holidays etc I scale right back so I just do the things to keep it ticking over. Lucky that is has gone well the last few years, but hit by covid and working really hard to pivot my business, and it won't be the same for at least this year in my business. He seems to think I earn way more than I do because he doesn't understand all of the outgoings and tax related to a business. I really love my job but feeling the added pressure of having to find new ways to make money and I could have a great month one month and then no work the next.

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cushioncovers · 18/01/2021 08:08

Yanbu op he is taking advantage of your good nature. He's lazy and doesn't mind you getting exhausted to keep him in the lifestyle that he wants. What you do from here is up to you. But once the respect has gone it's very hard to get back afaic

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KaptainKaveman · 18/01/2021 08:14

Who funded his 2 fortnight-long walking holidays per year, OP?

I would be livid if my dh was like this. As well as what other posters have said, it's an appalling example to set your dc. No kid wants to see their own dad turn into an indolent waster.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation (dc were younger though) , working all the hours plus evenings and weekends, while her dh lounged around doing virtually nothing. In the end she kicked him out.

Good luck OP.

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Icanseegreenshoots · 18/01/2021 08:22

Kick him out, he is a deadweight. I am sure HE is very happy, as he is doing nothing at all to contribute, all the while enjoying walking holidays, a paid for home and all the rest.

I would throw him out, he can come back when he has a full time job and can pay the bills.

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GracieLouFreebushh · 18/01/2021 08:27

I think you're perfectly within your rights to divorce if that's what you want to do. It sounds like you have been more than tolerant! As someone else mentioned, maybe split after he gets a job so he doesn't sponge off you. I would also discuss part time - he isn't taking on the role of SAHD and doing the housework etc, I'd discuss the need for full time or maybe 4 days so he has a day to himself. Good luck, it sounds awful!!

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boopeep76 · 18/01/2021 08:30

@Dashel no he needs to work quite a few more years to even get basic state pension. Had plenty of gaps of not working before this big one also. Dismisses this completely when I bring it up. Thinks we can just "cut our costs" - we lead a comfortable but in no way extravagant life and I don't intent to scrimp around in retirement more than I have to.

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Redlocks28 · 18/01/2021 08:31

Who owns your house-I think of be asking him to leave.

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YukoandHiro · 18/01/2021 08:34

Feel for you OP, my now DH had a period of not working and only PT working when we were earlier in our relationship. I let it go on too long because he was made redundant immediately after two serious bereavements. It was the wrong thing to do. It eventually nearly split us up. He's much happier since he's been working FT, but still has a very weird relationship with work and any issues at work affect him disproportionately. I honestly believe he'll be much happier once he's retired and doesn't have the "earn and succeed" pressure that clearly gets to him but neither of us have a good pension, so there's years ahead yet.
I agree with those who say that you have to be careful not to lose everything to him even though he hasn't contributed. Surely better to tell him how serious you are and make him come to therapy with you? Does he have psychological issues around work?

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boopeep76 · 18/01/2021 08:37

He mentioned the part time thing again yesterday and I haven's slept all night with anxiety and rage. I know I am so lucky that I don't have immediate money problems, especially as things are for so many at the moment - and he will use this to say "we should be grateful of the position we are in compared to others"! I truly am, but that is not an excuse for him not to work

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