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You don't automatically stop caring about someone just because you've broken up with them, do you?

(46 Posts)
cakeladyy Sun 17-Jan-21 18:29:57

Hi all,

Feeling really down at the moment so please be kind

Bf of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. He said it was down to a number of reasons but mainly the fact that we had drifted apart over the last year or so. I had no idea he was feeling this way until he ended things, he'd never tried to talk to me about his feelings at all. I think it could be down to the fact that I have worked a lot over the last year and perhaps put my career ahead of our relationship. He wanted to start trying for a baby last year but I said no as I wasn't ready/felt I was to young (we are also still renting and I want to save up for a mortgage first if possible). We are in our mid 20's if it's relevant.

We've lived together for the last year and a half and naturally he has moved out, back to his mums since we are no longer together. I've tried to keep it together although the break up was definitely not mutual and I feel heartbroken inside. He has not really contacted me much over the last few weeks and has kept his distance. He rang me yesterday morning to let me know that he would be coming by some point next week to start packing his things up/move out properly. We didn't argue but I think it hit me that it's all real and I started to cry on the phone.

He's not messaged me once to ask if I'm okay or see how I'm coping and I think this has actually upset me more than the break up itself. It almost feels like he doesn't care about me at all now that we're no longer together. I understand he's trying to keep his distance, perhaps so that I don't get my hopes up thinking he'll change his mind but would it kill him to ask if I'm okay??
Do you automatically just stop caring about someone when you break up with them?
I would understand if the break up ended on bad terms/we'd been arguing etc but it's really not been like that. I think I've been quite understanding really.

OP’s posts: |
cakeladyy Sun 17-Jan-21 19:23:53

Bump blush

OP’s posts: |
Unicornamy Sun 17-Jan-21 19:28:03

I don’t think you automatically stop caring but I think he’s trying to keep his distance so you don’t confuse things. I’m so sorry breakups are quite a shitty experience especially when you feel blindsided.
I know it’s still fresh, but can you perhaps take steps to get him out of your system? I also know that’s hard after a 3 year relationship but you have to try for your own well-being. If after 3 years together he couldn’t try to talk things out with you, then you can see he thought it wasn’t worth fighting for.
Look after yourself. Do take time to cry but try to give yourself a deadline after which you will chin up and keep it moving. Don’t give him a lot of headspace. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s for the best xx

WarrickDavisAsPlates Sun 17-Jan-21 19:29:49

I always think its best to just cut all contact after a breakup (where possible) otherwise it drags the entire process out and prolongs the emotional distress.

Also if he's been feeling that the relationship hasn't been working for a while it probably is easier for him than it is for you. Sorry to say it but it is easier to be the one ending the relationship in my experience. He's had time to come to terms with it where as it's come as a surprise to you.

category12 Sun 17-Jan-21 19:33:11

He's probably of the belief that limited contact is kinder in the long run. He doesn't want to open a dialogue, and that's possibly wise.

gannett Sun 17-Jan-21 19:35:02

He can't be the person you seek comfort from. For your sake and for his. That's just the way it is when someone stops being a partner and becomes an ex.

And if it seems cold from his end it's because he's done a lot of his processing and soul-searching already - while you're just starting that horrible, shitty time. You're not in sync.

It's time to cry on the shoulders of friends and family flowers

Crappysex Sun 17-Jan-21 19:35:26

I've got to be honest. I couldn't give a shite about any of my exes

seensome Sun 17-Jan-21 19:47:36

I can't speak for him but most people would still care especially after 3 years but the feeling of wanting different things and being incompatible would be too strong to keep the relationship alive, I expect he is hurting too but probably feels the distance is needed to heal.

GotBeatenUp Sun 17-Jan-21 20:07:03

He probably still cares about you but you need to go no contact.

Mid-twenties isn't particularly young to start a family, I'd say it was an ideal age, but it is considered young by a lot of people. If it is too young for you, that's fine. You have plenty of time

I'd try to get some sort of closure.

You are young and you can move on. It will hurt but you will heal. Give it a few months, and you will feel it was the right decision.

Tal45 Sun 17-Jan-21 20:08:10

He probably emotionally detached from you before he left so he has mentally moved on. There may even be someone else, men don't tend to want to look bad so don't mention these things but they don't tend to leave long relationships without someone else in mind.
Get some love from family and friends if you can, you need a bit of TLC right now x

cantgetmyheadroundit Sun 17-Jan-21 20:10:18

The problem is that the person that finishes it has probably already detached emotionally a while ago. So whilst it's fresh and hurtful to you, he may have already moved on in his head, so he's steps ahead of you.

Sorry this has happened to you though, it's shit flowers

Unicornamy Sun 17-Jan-21 20:25:15

@Crappysex please teach me how not to give a shite! I need lessons! grin

Crappysex Sun 17-Jan-21 20:32:40

Ive always felt nothing but relief when a relationship has ended. I wonder if I'm normal.

MrsWindass Sun 17-Jan-21 20:36:26

You sound as if you want more from life than he does . He has been unfair in not talking to you about any of his concerns but I would read that as another sign that he is not the partner for you . One day you will feel grateful this has happened.

Dery Sun 17-Jan-21 20:40:53

“He can't be the person you seek comfort from. For your sake and for his. That's just the way it is when someone stops being a partner and becomes an ex.

And if it seems cold from his end it's because he's done a lot of his processing and soul-searching already - while you're just starting that horrible, shitty time. You're not in sync.

It's time to cry on the shoulders of friends and family flowers”

This. This will hurt very much for a while, OP, and you should lean on family and friends for support.

Most of us have been in your shoes at some time or another, at least once. It will be easier for you to start to recover if you go no contact at least for the next few months. Broken hearts are extremely painful and it’s hard to believe it now, OP, when it’s all so raw, but you will get over this. It will take time - several months if not more - but the pain will pass and in time you will meet someone else.

dudsville Sun 17-Jan-21 20:44:39

I think it can't be his role to help you. For charity's sake. I hope you find some support somewhere less confusing.

CornishPastyDownUnder Sun 17-Jan-21 20:45:03

He might be feeling relieved its all over.
Its sounds like a pretty standard break up and is completely normal to be trying to move on without getting bogged down with emotion when you know you're not "going there again". Mid 20's is pretty young to be all mortgage and kids so as hard as it is he might feel he could simply be enjoying his new freedom.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 17-Jan-21 20:51:20

Sorry you’re hurting.

You say he hasn’t spoken to you about his doubts but he may feel he has, or that it was becoming obvious you wanted different things - him a family, you your career for now. And you’ve been focusing a lot on work for the last year and you’d lived together for 18 months he may feel you’d put less effort in to the relationship once you’d moved in together? All pure speculation of course.

As people have said, it was a shock to you but he’s been feeling like for long enough to decide that for him it was over.

In the relationships I’ve ended I’ve had no feelings left for my exes, especially my husband of several years. I wouldn’t have left if I hadn’t been absolutely sure and I couldn’t stand the sight of him.

carreterra Sun 17-Jan-21 20:51:39

OP, I feel for you, it's probably going around in your head, could you have done something better? As pp's have said, it is easier for a man to emotionally detach. You are obviously a caring person, so don't beat yourself up, it's his loss. Maybe you will see him out and about in 12 months time, and he will give you a lingering look, knowing that he gave you up, and may regret it. Let him go, you gave it your best shot.

"Never give ALL the heart " W.B.Yeats

Callcat Sun 17-Jan-21 21:28:17

I do, yeah. Usually because I've been building up to it / weighing it up for a while so by the time I feel I really do want to end things I'm emotionally detached, and can't stand the pleading/begging/endless talking things over. It achieves nothing except to prolong the awfulness that is a breakup. I wouldn't check if they were OK, no. If they were OK, great, but I wouldn't want to humiliate them into admitting to me that they weren't. They need to seek comfort from someone else in that case.

Specialized101 Sun 17-Jan-21 21:52:42

I recently ended a 3 year relationship with somebody lovely who refused to commit to any kind of future,we were great together apart from the commitment thing.Met somebody perfect for me (too) quickly after,I know that the new one is perfect for a long term future but am struggling unbearably with thoughts of the one that I`ve left behind and the trauma that she`s feeling.Time is the only answer isn`t it,we went no contact but have some contact again now which has pleased me a lot,its hard to be detached from somebody that you have loved and cared for despite it probably being the right thing to do.

EarthSight Sun 17-Jan-21 22:09:09

I think it just depends on the person. Some people can only do a clean cut, otherwise it brings up old feelings or hurt. Others need a more slow detachment and want to be friends afterwards, at least for a few months anyway before finally letting go.

elwoodblues Sun 17-Jan-21 22:12:12

You need to go through the stages of grief before you can be genuine friends with an ex. It's sounds like you're still in the denial stage tbh.

HNY2021 Sun 17-Jan-21 22:13:43

He probably checked out a while ago and for you it is raw, also he would have to acknowledge he was the ‘bad guy’ for upsetting you if he asked, he probably want to feel the least guilt possible.

Miffyliffy Sun 17-Jan-21 22:20:05

I honestly think it depends on alot of factors. History of relationship, addiction issues, cheating, long term communication breakdowns, how the relationship ended, if someone checked out some time ago etc etc

I think if someone checked out some time ago they've probably already mentally travelled the breakup road but physically were there without the other partner knowing.

Unless there are kids involved or house ownership issues I don't think there's needs to be ongoing contact and if there is it can kind of slow the process of moving on and may give the feeling of hope for reconciliation

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