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After having lost attraction for someone can it come back? Is it something you can work on or try to regrow?

(18 Posts)
Danity1000 Sat 16-Jan-21 21:41:55

After having lost attraction for someone can it come back? Is it something you can work on or try to regrow?

When I first started spending time with my ex he was attractive to me. We've had four years of a break, he's changed quite a bit physically since - almost like a different person, my mum didn't recognise him. He'd had a spurt of ageing, I guess it was due. I understand it's inevitable, I know that he's still the same man who just looks different now. Mentally and emotionally, we're really drawn to each other and lift each other up as soon as the other is present. But he's noticed that I withdraw when he's kissing me, I've avoided thinking about the fact that I'm struggling to feel physically attracted. I keep avoiding photos with him because I don't like seeing them where it looks like I'm hanging out with my dad which just makes the physical stuff worse for me. I want to surpass this and get to a good place with him, yet I keep naturally withdrawing from intimacy like a knee jerk reaction and then sort of forcing myself to kiss him. I'm late twenties, he's early fifties. I do wish he was younger if I'm honest but I do love him and feel a deeper connection with him than I've had with anyone else. I can't be the only woman who's wanted to be with someone that's physically changed quite a bit, it would be nice to hear how people came out the other-side of something similar. Thanks.

OP’s posts: |
FortunesFave Sun 17-Jan-21 00:03:24

Oh God why are you putting yourself through this?? Yuk. I'm almost 50 and as such I am as attracted to my husband (also late 40s) as much as when we first met in our late twenties.

A woman of your age, feeling grossed out by kissing an older man is NOT a good start!

End it now.

FortunesFave Sun 17-Jan-21 00:04:17

Sex is a huge part of a relationship...it's to be enjoyed by both parties...not something to be suffered!

DustyMaiden Sun 17-Jan-21 00:07:29

I would’ve said yes but under these circumstances no. It’s only going to get worse.

Givemeabreak88 Sun 17-Jan-21 00:10:20

Your in your 20s and he is in his 50s? Tbh I’m 32 and wouldn’t date someone in their 50s 😬

My ex changed a lot but not ageing he gained a massive amount of weight and I just didn’t feel attracted to him anymore (think like 5 stone!) down to medication so I felt a bit bad but he looked totally different

SheilaFentiman Sun 17-Jan-21 00:16:21

Nope, nope, nope. There is no need for you to try. If you were in a marriage or LTR and had lost a spark, I could suggest things, but your body is telling you this isn’t the right relationship for you.

freezedriedromance Sun 17-Jan-21 00:18:12

Honestly if you're struggling to find him attractive now after he's aged how will you feel in 10 years? I wouldn't waste your time personally.

Edgeoftheledge Sun 17-Jan-21 00:18:27

Move on

MsTSwift Sun 17-Jan-21 00:19:55

Can you really not find someone closer in age? There are so many problems with this you could end up a carer in your prime of life then on your own.

Notashandyta Sun 17-Jan-21 00:20:44

I was coming on to say yes you defo can but with this age gap I'd say no run for the hills!

KarmaNoMore Sun 17-Jan-21 00:24:04

With that age difference, I would forget about trying to feel attracted again, it is not going to happen. You never feel the difference in age more than when the much older partner is approaching retirement and all expectations change.

Do you realise that with that age difference you will end up as a carer long before you retire? Yeah, there are people that are running triathlons in their 80s but those are the exceptions. If the attraction is gone, what’s the point of staying? Friendship alone is not enough to make you survive as a couple.

PickAChew Sun 17-Jan-21 00:24:09

He's old enough to be your dad. So of course it will feel likehanging ou with your dad, unless he's really buff, which clearly he isn't.

PickAChew Sun 17-Jan-21 00:25:21

I'm 51, btw and i think a lot of men my age look a mess. I don't look great, either, but I'm not trying to score a 20-something.

GettingUntrapped Sun 17-Jan-21 00:25:47

In my opinion, no. I've never regained attraction after losing it. This is how we move on. Don't ignore your instincts, they are telling you to move on.

Smallonesaremorejuicy Sun 17-Jan-21 00:30:38

No, I think once the physical attraction is gone that’s it & you don’t want a companion in your thirties do you .

MsTSwift Sun 17-Jan-21 09:08:12

Your body is telling you this isn’t right. I think you need to listen!

Lettertoyou Sun 17-Jan-21 09:11:46

Nope, he’s not likely to get better at that age. Just balder and fatter probably. You can’t make yourself fancy him if you just don’t any more.

CodenameVillanelle Sun 17-Jan-21 09:11:55

Your unconscious brain is telling you not to have sex with him because he reminds you of your dad. You're a spring chicken - why are you trying to force yourself to fancy an old man? You can be friends with him but clearly the relationship is dead.
I'm also a little squicked by him dating you when you were presumably very early 20s if he is your ex of 4 years and you're still 20something. He needs to stop chasing women young enough to be his daughter and grow up. Ick.

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