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Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

(269 Posts)
CaD14 Sat 16-Jan-21 08:50:37

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

OP’s posts: |
Aahotep Sat 16-Jan-21 08:54:06

I can understand why he's going.
Whatever has happened with the ex it's his kids grandfather.
I can also understand why you aren't happy but I think you need to let this one go.

Cockenspiel Sat 16-Jan-21 09:04:54

You get to decide what your boundaries are, if your H is continually breaching them, despite clearly pointing this out, you need to decide whether you’re willing to walk away or suck it up.

Wasting time and energy on having the same argument over and over just leads to resentment. It sounds like you’re already at the resentment stage.

RainingBatsAndFrogs Sat 16-Jan-21 09:24:28

In simple terms, yes going to the funeral of his kids’ grandparents is reasonable and the right thing to do. As an example to them too.

However the problems that surround this are real and need tackling on their own terms.

Not today.

I am sorry this has clouded your birthday. But as he says he will be back for the afternoon and evening.

Then turn your attention to communication and respect in your relationship.

Cheesypea Sat 16-Jan-21 09:30:50

Sorry op this isn't your decision. Hes going to support his children. Sounds like your in competition with his ex, she may well enjoy winding you up. Just stop engaging with it.

Kabakofte Sat 16-Jan-21 09:32:19

I get that it's your birthday but you get a birthday every year, the children's gf gets one funeral! He may have forgotten your birthday ( so I'm presuming it's not a 'big' one) not great but to be fair all the days and dates are rolling into one another at the moment. He should go to support the kids, his ex's dad was their grandfather. He may have been clumsy in approach but you need to give him this latitude to go, it's not like its going to be a party, all hugs, bells and whistles. I would swallow whatever moral high ground you think you have and say you understand his reasons for going. Happy Birthday for the day!

AppleKatie Sat 16-Jan-21 09:35:50

On the face of it you are hugely in the wrong here.

There sounds like there are huge family and communication issues going on that need addressing (and you may very well have a point here) but the context of a mans funeral is not the moment.

Ricebubbles2 Sat 16-Jan-21 09:47:01

I think it is very disrespectful
A birthday can be later on in the day or the following
Glad he is standing up for himself as for some of us a death is usually a time we all put aside our differences and pay our respects. Decent people do despite the past and history.

AhNowTed Sat 16-Jan-21 10:14:47

You're being ridiculous.

His children's grandfather has died, and you're making it about you.

If any man tried to keep me away from the funeral of my children's relative, or in the company of their aunts and uncles, they'd be out the door.

WitchesNest Sat 16-Jan-21 10:16:38

He absolutely should be there to support his children, they’ve just lost their grandfather. You’d want him to cut all ties with his kids, really?? hmm

CaD14 Sat 16-Jan-21 10:50:47

@WitchesNest - I meant cut all ties with the family.

Thanks everyone, I agree it’s right to support his children, but feel it should be a discussion between us, not him dictating to me what’s happening and then wondering why I get annoyed.

@Cheesypea - there is no competition with the ex, there has just been some really poisonous things said and done, and we are at the point where we’ve gone a good few months without that, as she’s gone away. I worry more communication will start things off again and cause disruption to our household.

OP’s posts: |
AhNowTed Sat 16-Jan-21 11:00:15

@CaD14 you cannot dictate that he cut all ties. This is his children's family, and he is tied to them for life.

Children should not have to feel in the middle of a rift. You do the adult thing for their sake.

CaD14 Sat 16-Jan-21 11:03:14

@AhNowTed - I’ve never tried to dictate, I’m just saying that after what the family and his kids have put him through, I’d want nothing more to do with the wider family. That’s my personality, people do something and I cut them out of my life. He isn’t like that.

OP’s posts: |
AhNowTed Sat 16-Jan-21 11:05:23

@CaD14 the difference is he has children so he can't. And you may not like it but they come first.

prawncocktailpringles Sat 16-Jan-21 11:07:59

I think I would judge my partner if he didn't attend

CaD14 Sat 16-Jan-21 11:08:41

@AhNowTed - agreed, they do. The numerous Aunts and Uncles (who falsely told police my H was a child abuser) do not.

OP’s posts: |
AhNowTed Sat 16-Jan-21 11:10:47

@CaD14 I get that but that's his decision to make.

peboh Sat 16-Jan-21 11:12:52

I think yabu on the funeral issue. That's his children's grandad, he's obviously know the man for years why on earth wouldn't you let him pay his respects?
Personally I'd tell my husband to go, I wouldn't consider telling him he couldn't.

CaD14 Sat 16-Jan-21 11:13:01

@AhNowTed - again yes, you’re right. But I’m my opinion he has made the wrong decision.

OP’s posts: |
mineofuselessinformation Sat 16-Jan-21 11:14:24

Just to give you a thought:
If FIL had died after my divorce, I would have gone - to support my dcs, but also because a was a good friend to me.

Aalvarino Sat 16-Jan-21 11:14:29

The problem isnt the funeral, it's the lack of honest, measured, respectful communication between you two.

MysweetAudrina Sat 16-Jan-21 11:15:38

I even went to my dh's ex mother's funeral (pre COVID) as a mark of respect to my sds. The fact I brought dd who loudly ranked the funerals she had been to in terms of the best to the worst ( main scoring criteria being the food that was served after) is neither here nor there.

Santaiscovidfree Sat 16-Jan-21 11:19:14

When my dc's parental dgps died I didn't attend. Dc were teen /under 16. They had df and his relatives for support.. They never once suggested I put myself through being around that bloody lot.... Yanbu to be pissed off op...

CaD14 Sat 16-Jan-21 11:20:25

@mineofuselessinformation @MysweetAudrina
Thanks, it’s useful to hear other people’s experiences. Me personally, I’m the other way in that a relationship ends, I cut them out my life including family. My ex who I was with for 5+ years, who I was SM to his son, I’ve never spoken to since the day I left. That’s how I cope with things. So it’s alien to me when people behave differently.

I understand it’s different when kids are involved, but also I think you don’t really understand unless you have them.

OP’s posts: |
samanthawashington Sat 16-Jan-21 11:24:58

What would be the point in discussing it? He feels he needs to keep his relationship with his children going and this means having a relationship with his ex and her family. If he were to cut those ties he risks his relationship with his children too.

He's not going to change this and he knows you are trying g to limit his choices and dictate what he can and can't do. He's between a rock and a hard place here, and if you push him he may just decide his children are more important than you. You have to let this go and support his relationship with the DCs. Marrying someone with children is a difficult juggling act and takes a lot more effort than other marriages

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