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Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship???

(89 Posts)
Imaybeinanabusiverelationship Fri 15-Jan-21 18:25:35

NC for this.
DH keeps control of all finances. Gives me a monthly ‘salary’ which is quite generous for food and daily expenses. Anything outside that I have to ask him for it and he usually says no. But that’s ok cause it’s probably only for crap like clothes that I have enough of. DH earns 6 figures but more in the higher end of 6 figures- for context. I had my own little corporate job earning about £45k so when we had children I gave it up to look after them. So I’ve lost my career and I suppose it hurts a bit that I have to ask him for £££ every time I need/ want anything. DH is a good father to DD and DS. A bit more in love with DD who is 5 then DS 3. DD has realised this and has started manipulating him quite a bit. For e.g. today she didn’t want to do her maths school work so started screaming and crying knowing well that he’d come to her rescue. He comes down and gives me a push on my shoulder and asks me to get out. This is the first time he’s done it but every time this has happened he’s gone straight to her and shouted at me. I’m beginning to feel he’s abusing me. My mother stayed in an abusive relationship or at least it seemed to me it was from where I was standing because like me she had nowhere to go. I don’t know if I am doing the same. I’m willing to accept that I’m overthinking this and it was only a little push. So please talk some sense into me. I’ve been crying the whole day and my head hurts! Also, other then these 2 things he’s a good husband.

OP’s posts: |
StrippedFridge Fri 15-Jan-21 18:30:45

What if you tell him the push was out of order? How would he react?

1950s1 Fri 15-Jan-21 18:30:51

He sounds like he's being responsible with his money. But you need to tell him not to touch you or shout at you again because it made you uncomfortable. Yeah it's abusive but hopefully it's a one off and he learns a new way to deal with the situation

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 15-Jan-21 18:34:16

1950s Responsible with his money?! His money? They are a couple and she is doing all the childcare and wife work. She shouldn’t have to beg to him for money for fucking clothes angry

A push is abuse and sadly most often the start of things to come. OP start gathering as much info about finances etc as you can.

Imaybeinanabusiverelationship Fri 15-Jan-21 18:34:22

I’m hoping to have a chat with him soon and see what he says. I’m not sure what his reaction would be as I’ve never questioned him in the past and just let it slide.

OP’s posts: |
Quartz2208 Fri 15-Jan-21 18:35:31

It is never just a little push it sounds like yes he has fixated somewhat on your DD in an unhealthy manner

Imaybeinanabusiverelationship Fri 15-Jan-21 18:37:42

I don’t know wether it’s unhealthy but he definitely favours her more then anyone else at home.

OP’s posts: |
StrippedFridge Fri 15-Jan-21 18:40:14

Did you leave when he pushed you and told you to get out? I am belligerent. That behaviour would have effectively nailed my feet to the floor. I'd have gone nowhere. Maybe you need to get used to standing your ground to find out if it is EA or not.

1950s1 Fri 15-Jan-21 18:41:07

AtrociousCircumstance

1950s Responsible with his money?! His money? They are a couple and she is doing all the childcare and wife work. She shouldn’t have to beg to him for money for fucking clothes angry

A push is abuse and sadly most often the start of things to come. OP start gathering as much info about finances etc as you can.

but the OP has admitted that she has enough clothes and that it isn't necessary to buy more. It doesn't make economical sense and it would be a waste. The OP get's a 'quite generous' allowance apparently so I don't see an issue if she can afford to buy her own things.

user184628462 Fri 15-Jan-21 18:41:21

Have a look at the Freedom Programme course. It might help you find some clarity.

Imaybeinanabusiverelationship Fri 15-Jan-21 18:42:00

Unfortunately I did leave. I was too scared that something else might happen

OP’s posts: |
4Mongrels Fri 15-Jan-21 18:42:14

He earns at the higher end of 6 figures, you do all the childcare yet you have to ask for money for clothes and he usually says no?

Then to top it off he pushes you evaluate your daughter is upset?

Yes you are in an abuaive relationship. Has he always been financially controlling?

4Mongrels Fri 15-Jan-21 18:42:36

Because, don’t know where evaluate came from!

category12 Fri 15-Jan-21 18:42:59

A £45K wage was a "little" corporate job? confused How the other half live.

I think if you're at the stage that you wondering if you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is something very wrong in the relationship.

Pushing you is not OK and the thin end of the wedge.

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 15-Jan-21 18:44:26

1950s It’s about control and manipulation. They should decide a budget together. He’s infantilising and controlling her. It’s toxic.

Quartz2208 Fri 15-Jan-21 18:46:24

the fact that you were scared something else may happen is your answer

category12 Fri 15-Jan-21 18:47:22

I think probably trying to explain that to someone who has chosen "1950s" as their username is probably a waste of your energy, atrociouscircumstance grin.

Imaybeinanabusiverelationship Fri 15-Jan-21 18:47:59

4Mongrels

He earns at the higher end of 6 figures, you do all the childcare yet you have to ask for money for clothes and he usually says no?

Then to top it off he pushes you evaluate your daughter is upset?

Yes you are in an abuaive relationship. Has he always been financially controlling?

He’s always kept control of the finances. As in we’ve never had joint finances anyway and I didn’t think anything of it.

OP’s posts: |
4Mongrels Fri 15-Jan-21 18:49:45

Does he discuss the finances with you. Do you know how much he earns, how much you have in savings, investments etc?

PrincessNutNuts Fri 15-Jan-21 18:49:51

He what?!

Imaybeinanabusiverelationship Fri 15-Jan-21 18:51:20

4Mongrels

Does he discuss the finances with you. Do you know how much he earns, how much you have in savings, investments etc?

No. I have no clue.

OP’s posts: |
Imaybeinanabusiverelationship Fri 15-Jan-21 18:52:34

I know how much he earns cause he tells me how much bonus he gets every year. Not sure there’s more on top etc.

OP’s posts: |
4Mongrels Fri 15-Jan-21 19:05:16

He is definitely financially controlling/abusive but you now also have the issue of him pushing you today.

I think his reaction when you speak to him will tell you what you need to do. I suspect he may say it was nothing, you’re over reacting, it was your fault.

Wyntersdiary Fri 15-Jan-21 19:10:31

Yes it's abusive I would leave and claim CMS as well as my share. At the end of the day you enabled him in life. You do his cooking and cleaning and childcare. You deserve an equal part of everything including 50/50 split of finances or for it to be shared

Dery Fri 15-Jan-21 19:17:45

First of all - "little corporate job" is a very demeaning way to refer to your previous job. Presumably that's how Mr. Swinging Dick referred to it? Just as Mr. Swinging Dick has persuaded you that anything you might want to buy for yourself such as clothes is "crap". Mr. Swinging Dick with the 6-figure salary at the upper end who keeps his wife short of money? Because, by the way, your ‘salary’ is not generous if it only covers food and daily expenses. Because those need to be bought anyway - and they're not for you, they're for everyone. Your ‘salary’ should include a considerable whack of money for you to spend on yourself. That’s what a salary is. Instead he’s got you thinking that money for household expenses constitutes your salary. But you get nothing for your own personal expenses unless he is satisfied you're allowed it. This is bollocks, OP. He's really done a number on you. He should be ashamed of himself but in fact he's got you thinking it's all as it should be. You might find it interesting to read "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head".

What you are describing sounds very worrying - he pushed you out of the way and you left because you were scared of what might happen if you stayed? He favours your DD over your DS and is turning her into his little princess. The little princess with the SAHM who has to ask for money for clothes and usually gets told no by the same person who is busy spoiling his little girl and treating her as more important than her little brother. Christ, the dynamics here are truly shit. Dear OP - please think about what is being modelled.

And why have you never questioned him before? Is it because he makes clear that he's the boss and your views don't count. You're not overthinking this. It sounds like you've deliberately not tried to think about these things before but you are waking up from a fog.

These are not the behaviours of a good husband or a good dad. Given his attitude, if you would like to get back into the workplace, I would strongly recommend doing so at least part time. He can pay for childcare. You can start rebuilding your career and regaining some independence from this man.

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