My life revolves around doing things to avoid other people telling me off

[again2020]

Not sure how to word this, it probably sounds a little weird.

I feel like I spend most of my time rushing around doing tasks and trying to pre-empt what other people might pick up on to try and find fault with me.

Examples:

My partner: I often do errands for my partner or he gets annoyed and says I'm lazy. I hoover and mop at night to avoid him telling me I don't do any cleaning. I do whatever he wants to keep the peace.

Work colleague: I have a jobshare type arrangement with a colleague. I am rushed off my feet lately, but any small task she can find fault with me on the days she is in and I'm not, she will send a passive aggressive email to the boss highlighting it. I have to make sure I've covered and done everything to avoid getting into trouble by her and it feels like squeezing 5 days work into 3.

Not really sure what I'm asking. Maybe this is a strange way of thinking and I need to change? Obviously it's having an effect on my mental health and is making me anxious.
I'm scared of my partner screaming at me or loosing my job, respectively.

Does anyone know what I mean? How can I move forward? Do I need to toughen up?

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

Has your partner screamed at you before?

[CoconutQueen]

I am sorry to hear your life is like that. It does sound that you are very low in self-esteem and confidence as no one should live their life like this. It sounds like you are being bullied by both your partner and colleague.

[FuckOffBorisYouTwat]

Your partner sounds awful. Is is nice at all?

[again2020]

@FuckOffBorisYouTwat No he often isn't.

I'm something of a regular on this board. Name changed a few times. I've explored my options and we can't separate for various reasons I won't go into here.

@CoconutQueen Yes you are right. I do have low self confidence, it feels like I'm usually scared or worried about something.

[Miramour]

Sounds tough to be you.

The main players in your life sound very unpleasant, bullish really. Most people don't walk on eggshells with their partners or colleagues.

How would you like your life to be?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Where did all this start with you?. Who instilled this behaviour in you, was it your parents?. It can be unlearnt but you will need to put a lot of work in to do that. Did you feel you had to keep the peace too when you were a child?

Are you a people pleaser here, it seems that both your partner and this work colleague have picked up on this in you and use this to their advantage.

Your partner is abusive and uses your behaviour against you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and therefore this relationship should end. It’s over anyway because of the verbal abuse he meets out.

[classiestgal]

I think you need counselling for confidence and a new partner! .Or no partner. Why don’t you try living by yourself for a bit and see if that improves your anxiety. Get a dog! New job!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I do realise that you do not want to at all go into why you cannot separate but I would state that NO obstacle is ultimately insurmountable.

Your so called partner is further lowering your perhaps already low self confidence. You have been an ideal foil for someone like him to sink his claws into and I would think he targeted you deliberately.

[StrippedFridge]

Desensitise yourself. Controlled not giving a fuck Do stuff that will have others moan with a plan to shrug and ignore them. Of course if you are married to a dickhead then he is going to be a dickhead. Can you rethink your decision to stay?

[Branleuse]

You dont have to live like that.
Why dont you have a think about what you want your life to look like and how to get there.
Dont forget too, that coupling up in a relationship is supposed to be sharing the load, not doubling it

[StormTreader]

Ok, heres something to think about when you have a moment - what would happen if you just......didn't?

Yes it would feel uncomfortable, people would shout, they wouldn't be happy with you...but then what? What about once you get past that immediate recoil and sit with the "no"? What happens on the other side of the new system of no?

No-one would die, your colleague might get a talking-to by his/her manager over the fact that they're not pulling their weight, your partner will either have to accept that you're not doing that any more, or try and find someone else who will put up with that kind of nonsense guilt-tripping over "laziness".

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

You can take your partner to court for coercive control and obtain a court order called an occupation order. Do not accept that this is your lot in life.

[Eckhart]

What happens to you when your partner says you're lazy? What happens to you when your colleague reports minor things to your boss?

Emotionally, and practically? I'm asking because I'm trying to work out what it is you are avoiding so assiduously.

How were you treated as a child? Were you respected? Did you feel heard and listened to?

[Elieza]

You are letting people bully you. You will end up having a nervous breakdown like I did because you are spreading yourself too thin. And then you will be off work sick and unable to do housework, while the partner moans about how you’re at home all day pretending to be sick and not a joy if housework has been done and you’re just lazy etc.

I speak from experience.

Work out a way to ditch the man. You will be a lot more relaxed without him.

Apply for a new job. Even another post within the same company if it’s generally good and nobody else has the shit you have, as your coworker sounds awful, and that way you won’t have to do a probationary period again.

[Elieza]

Jot of housework.

[FuckOffBorisYouTwat]

I am really sorry to hear that. please think again about leaving. Life is very short and you only have the one.

[again2020]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm definitely a people pleaser, always have been.

It seems like the majority of people I know are bully types and use me to their advantage.

I had a bad time last year, was furloughed and had to look after DD (the reason I can't leave him) and take her out of the house every day as my partner was very busy with work and didn't want us disturbing him.
I think what I'm so afraid of is mental physical abuse from him, and I'm terrified off losing my job due to my colleague, which is my one outlet and gives me financial independence.

I was brought up in a very traditional gender role environment where my mother did whatever my father said and we were all afraid of him I'm sure its left a mark on me.

[africanmixedkid]

Op why can't you leave him because of DD.

Has he been physically abusive before. Calling you lazy and you being scared of him screaming at you sounds like he's already mentally abusing you.

[Eckhart]

I was brought up in a very traditional gender role environment where my mother did whatever my father said and we were all afraid of him I'm sure its left a mark on me

Right, so that's where it comes from then. Not your fault or your personality in the slightest: You've been preconditioned.

So, the issue is, you don't think that your feelings are worth as much as other people's, do you. Can you make sense of that with logic, or is it a purely emotional thing?

[Miramour]

@again2020

Thanks for all the replies. I'm definitely a people pleaser, always have been.

It seems like the majority of people I know are bully types and use me to their advantage.

I had a bad time last year, was furloughed and had to look after DD (the reason I can't leave him) and take her out of the house every day as my partner was very busy with work and didn't want us disturbing him.
I think what I'm so afraid of is mental physical abuse from him, and I'm terrified off losing my job due to my colleague, which is my one outlet and gives me financial independence.

I was brought up in a very traditional gender role environment where my mother did whatever my father said and we were all afraid of him I'm sure its left a mark on me.

There is a big gap between where you are at and what is a healthy existence. The one person who can bridge that gap is you, no-one can do it for you. However, there is plenty of support available if you choose to change.

The biggest step is committing to hope and change, even when we are miserable it can feel better than the uncertainty of the unknown.

Little steps. Maybe read up on self help stuff, self confidence etc.
Maybe enrol in the freedom programme.
Think about how you might be able to access therapy.

From the outside looking in I would suggest your relationship is deeply unhealthy and that you can blossom when you take your dd and make a new home for just the two of you.

Work wise... depends, sometimes making small changes can make big differences. Your colleague sounds petty and controlling, but a stronger personality wouldn't allow themselves to be bullied. So the job may be salvageable but ultimately you are likely to want to move on.

You can do it. You do need to commit, you do need support, and you do need to be very brave. But you can definitely make yourself a much better life.

[Elieza]

Sounds to me like your priority is sorting your job for financial stability. And then tackling the hurdle of leaving him.

No doubt he’s told you he will kill you if you try and leave him and he’s take your child and you’d never see him/her again etc.

This is all bollocks and when you are ready there are plans you can put in place to get you away safely.

Womens aid have helped hundreds of women do just this. The key is not to tell him. To plan in secret and give no clues. And then escape to accommodation they may have helped you find.

The hurdles you face are not insurmountable.

How long have you been in this job?

If it’s over two years you have more protection than if you’re just on the door.

[CherryRoulade]

I’d think first step was to develop your assertiveness. Seek coaching not counselling - do work offer it?
The key is probably to boost your skill in saying what you want and challenging without aggression rather than metaphorically painting yourself as a victim. It’s learning the skills to be in control of your reactions, your destiny.

[tinselvestsparklepants]

If you have been conditioned since childhood to think / behave like this, and you know about the damage it's done to you... do you really want the same for your daughter? If you find it hard to put yourself first, maybe this would help you to get the courage to leave.

[Re1gnRa1n]

Does partner Hoover or mop ?
Do you share any household chores ?
Cooking ?
Childcare ?
Gardening ?
Bill's & life admin ?
Transport ?
Work ?

My partner recently said that I hadn't hovered

I said, theres the Hoover, you are welcome to Hoover

He hovered

We share the chores

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

I am glad you returned,Op. Please keep coming back.

I know it feels insurmountable. I have been there, I felt so trapped by my ex, he would shout a lot, break items or punch doors, and never lift a finger to do housework, never had a job for 3 years also, while I struggled back to work after each birth and also managed all benefits paperwork, shopping, laundry, he would let me leave the house but not leave with the children. He would not let me visit my friends and would tell me what to wear.

I was not on the tenancy agreement, he would never agree to me being put on it and would threaten me with homelessness is I disagreed with him.

I had 2 boys, 2 and 3 at the time, they have autism, and so do I. I did not want them to grow up feeling that our relationship was normal and to treat their future wives/girlfriends like that.

I acted normal, I de-esculated the situation, and acted submissive so he would relax a bit. I waited till he went out one day and had left his keys at home. Then I locked him out and phoned the police telling them I was experiencing coercive control.

The police came just as my partner arrived back at the house. They sent him away making sure he knew he absolutely could not return. They then supported me to get the occupation order with the help of NCDV (national center for domestic violence)

I did all this to avoid taking my children into a women's refuge. I feel strongly that the abused should not be displaced into shelters while the abuser lives free in the comfort of his own home.