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Can someone please help me?

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opentehgardengate Thu 14-Jan-21 17:57:55

Husband has left temporarily. I've been seeking help and been advised he's a narcissist. He completely is from what I've read. Scarily so. Abusive for 30 years.

In a mess. Don't want to go on. Every second is pain. Not because he's gone but because I'm broken and because of the pain and bad feeling he's caused in the house for years.

I can't split with him long term. No money and other reasons.

I don't want to be here. Can't kill myself as I have children.

No one cares. Literally no one. Maybe it's me. Probably is. I wish I could go and I can't. I've told a family member how desperate I feel and they didn't check on me today. It was a massive thing for me to speak out but they don't really care so now I think I shouldn't have done that. Ive fallen out with all my other family because I spoke out about things - it's years of extreme stuff that I can't put on here but beatings, violence etc

No one cares. I've phoned Samaritans twice today and that's what it's come to. The pain is unbearable.

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opentehgardengate Thu 14-Jan-21 17:59:32

I've become ill from years and years of abuse from many directions and also being around dysfunction. It all affected me because I care and has made me ill and now I'm viewed as a burden. I can't explain it all properly as too identifying unfortunately.

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letsdolunch321 Thu 14-Jan-21 18:09:11

Call Women's Aid they should be able to help you. Why has he only left for a temporary period?

KirstenBlest Thu 14-Jan-21 18:12:16

We care, @opentehgardengate.

Get an appointment with your GP, to make sure that your mental wellness is looked after.

Your family member might have a lot on or something. Try to get a friend or another relative to check up with you each day.

Hope you are as OK as you can be given the circumstances.

Sassypants82 Thu 14-Jan-21 18:13:27

Have you checked what supports you would be entitled to on your own? UC?

Missingthebridegene Thu 14-Jan-21 18:13:33

So sorry to hear you're feeling like this OP. It sounds as if you're in such a difficult situation and are coping extremely well. You've been so strong to reach out for help given you find this tricky. If the people you've reached out to for support haven't understood/felt able to help then that's their 'stuff'-that's not your fault and you aren't to blame for that. If talking feels helpful would you consider speaking to your GP about accessing some local longer term support? I know you said you can't leave your partner but have you spoken to woman's aid or your local well woman's centre if you have one to see what support might be available? Your children are lucky to have such a strong mum even if you don't feel it xx

toooldtocare Thu 14-Jan-21 18:13:38

Speaking to the Samaritans was exactly the right thing to do.. that is what they are there for.

You have children and it sounds like you know they are a good thing to hang on for.

Can you distract yourself with your children?

I am so sorry to hear you are finding it so hard. Hang on in there for some better times ahead.

NotSure94 Thu 14-Jan-21 18:16:40

Its easy to think you have nothing, but if you are married and with children he has a legal responsibility to support you and them , presuming you don't earn more and are doing majority of childcare. Yes he may be a dick and obstructive but the law is the law and its on your side and not his. Please try to get legal advice. You may find it very reassuring. Don't make any major decisions until you do. Big hugs, it sounds really grim now but you may ultimately be free and secure.

opentehgardengate Thu 14-Jan-21 18:16:56

He couldn't deal with how angry I am. So opted to leave instead of trying to mend things. Now he's just focusing on that and feeling hard done by which is how he is always. The world is against him.

He kind of said he's coming back but not sure really.

I'll try woman's aid. Thanks

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NotSure94 Thu 14-Jan-21 18:24:11

Bullies don't like it when they're confronted.about their behaviour. Dont allow yourself to feel bad about that for a moment. I remember the rage of trying to assimilate the unfairness of things after keeping a lid on and tiptoeing around.

opentehgardengate Thu 14-Jan-21 18:32:39

I'm sorry I can't take all your kind suggestions in at the moment. Will read though.

Just need company please. Thank you

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SummerHouse Thu 14-Jan-21 18:33:10

Women's aid is an excellent shout. Or the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247.

Your family, friends and (forgive me as they mean well) the Samaritans are not specialists in this field. You will understand the difference when you speak to someone trained. I am so sorry you are facing this and have done for so long. Enough is enough.

Please be careful. An abuser can get worse when threatend with being outed. If you need a safe space you can go to Boot (some other pharmacies are also participating) and ask for ANI (Attention Needed Immediately). This is a code word for people who suffer domestic abuse. They will give you access to help and support in a safe and secure room. Good luck. Whatever shit you have had to endure, you DO NOT have to stay. Let the professionals help. flowers

SummerHouse Thu 14-Jan-21 18:33:53


HollowTalk Thu 14-Jan-21 18:34:26

How old are your children?

opentehgardengate Thu 14-Jan-21 19:17:48

Thank you all. Children are late teens. Have just phoned Samaritans again from car. Feeling bit calmer.
Don't know what I would do without these helplines and kind people on here.

Going to look Womensaid up and call. Thank you.

It's hard when you tell your husband and a family member how desperate you are and they don't check on you. I've felt suicidal on and off for a while but wouldn't act on it which they know. A few days ago I scared myself as my children didn't seem like a deterrent and when I cried out for help and told them this, they didn't even bother to check on me. I don't understand. Maybe they think I'm an attention seeker or a drama Queen. I don't know. I don't understand how they don't check on me when they know how scared I was and I'm broken and in a mess because of systematic abuse over many years. Extended family are violent.

Sorry this is waffle. I'm not feeling that desperate now and hope never to again - I don't want to cause alarm.

Thanks all.

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NotSure94 Thu 14-Jan-21 19:18:43

Awww x I'm sure no one is expecting a response - we are listening, that's all. It's human nature to spill out advice and I do remember it's not always what you need! Hugs x

OnceUponAMidnightBeery Thu 14-Jan-21 19:23:04

There are incredibly wise and helpful posters here who will support you and advise you on anything you need. There’s always someone around, day or night.

Even if, like me, we can only offer a mental hug and a handhold, there’s always support here flowers

category12 Thu 14-Jan-21 19:24:32

If you're married, half of any assets of the marriage (house? savings? pensions?) are yours.

Maybe we could help you work out a way to exit the relationship? Please speak to Women's Aid.

letsdolunch321 Thu 14-Jan-21 19:24:33

@opentehgardengate unfortunately lots of individuals are self centred and selfish human beings. My exh was like this.

Hope you get help from the support groups you have/are speaking to 💐

Wanderlusto Thu 14-Jan-21 19:27:39

If all else failed you could get a flat with your teens. 3 adults working, is more than enough to cover rent and bills.

Theres really nothing tying him to you anymore. Your kids arent kids and you've realised how is a bloody psyco. You just have to get a plan in place and take it step by step.

Womens aid should help.

cerealgamechanger Thu 14-Jan-21 19:45:33

Please feel free to PM. Lots of experience with narcissist family members, etc.

EstherMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 14-Jan-21 19:52:33

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on - we can see from your posts on this thread that you have already done this.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

opentehgardengate Thu 14-Jan-21 20:41:48

Thank you everyone. Reading all.

Cereal I will message you. Thank you

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opentehgardengate Thu 14-Jan-21 20:43:21

How do I send a DM please?

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opentehgardengate Thu 14-Jan-21 20:46:41

Have worked it out. Thanks everyone

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