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DH wants to relocate

(41 Posts)
shadesofgrey25 Sat 05-Dec-20 03:41:45

So here I go again. I have a DH who I've been married to for 25 years and with for 27 years! To say we have a up and down relationship would be an understatement. He is prone to bouts of heavy drinking which often (twice a year on average) result in huge personal attacks on me where he says he can't be married anymore. Every time this breaks my heart and destroys me until he comes round again! Last Christmas he pushed me off a chair and verbally abused me in front of our 18 year old son!
I forgave him after he sought therapy although Covid put an end to that!

I feel like an emotional doormat to his moods but cannot pluck up the courage to ever leave him! He smokes a lot of marijuana and his blow ups often lead to binge taking cocaine. He is frankly a bully and a "know it all" and has mentally broken me on numerous occasions over 27 years!

Latest "thing" is he wants to up sticks and move to a rural location - away from where we live in the Home Counties! As it is he hates socialising (which I enjoy), has no friends, doesn't see his family and since lockdown now refuses to see my family - although I suspect Covid has been a great excuse for him!

I feel isolated and alone as have no one at all to talk to. Just looking for some help out there. Should I placate him and follow his dream to buy a farm or stick to my guns and stay put? Which will invariably lead to divorce as he doesn't want to stay living here??? He says that if I won't move he can move and visit me 2-3 times a week! This is not a marriage is it?? Am I being unreasonable not following his dreams??

OP’s posts: |
Rainbowqueeen Sat 05-Dec-20 03:46:42

Yanbu.

It sounds like it would benefit both of you to end the marriage if I’m honest.
Do not move. It will be much harder for you to split if you buy a farm. Does he have any farming experience at all?
It sounds like a disaster in the making and an opportunity to isolate you so he can ramp up the abuse without an audience

Monty27 Sat 05-Dec-20 03:47:15

OP let him go by himself. He's making your life miserable and damaging your son.
Are you able to be financially independent?

Spartak Sat 05-Dec-20 03:59:39

Get rid of him. His dream move to the countryside will only isolate you further and he will be able to control you even more than he does now.

Sell the house, take your share and start a new life without him, somewhere that you want to be. He's not going to change and you deserve to be happy.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 05-Dec-20 04:10:02

This doesn’t sound like a good marriage. It also doesn’t sound as if you want to go. He can therefore go alone. Live where you want to live. Do you want to stay married?

shadesofgrey25 Sat 05-Dec-20 04:15:07

I'm not financially independent sadly. Tied into his business where I am a co-Director with him. I work for the business so totally dependent on him.
We have enough equity in our current home for a reasonable 50:50 split but untying myself from all this will require unmeasurable strength. I am so bloody weakened by him and what he has turned me into or what I have turned myself into by being so weak and pathetic!! . It sounds dramatic but sometimes I just want to end it all! My children are my strength to carry on day to day tbh!

OP’s posts: |
Mummyoflittledragon Sat 05-Dec-20 04:27:08

Idk how old your other children are. You have an 18 yo. Maybe he can help. I don’t mean pick sides. Just help in whatever way you both need. Can you afford some therapy?. You sound exhausted.

FortunesFave Sat 05-Dec-20 04:32:38

This is your turning point. Massively stressful I know but you MUST NOT move.

You CAN untie yourself and life will be much better. Start with a solicitor's appointment and come back here every time you feel sad or weak. flowers

shadesofgrey25 Sat 05-Dec-20 04:36:12

I also have a 25 year old DD. Both still living at home.
I'm going to make a solicitor's appt and find out where I stand!
Thank you for helping me tonight.

OP’s posts: |
that1970shouse Sat 05-Dec-20 04:44:44

If you think your life is bad now, you won’t believe how much worse it could be if you move to the arse end of nowhere with him. Don’t go.

pinkprosseco Sat 05-Dec-20 04:55:47

Agree that he goes and you see each other 2 or 3 times a week as per his suggestion. Then when he's moved and you get some headspace spend your free time sorting a permanent split.
You are concerned if he goes and then visits you it won't be a marriage but tbh it doesn't sound like one now. Let him go and then recover your strength to end it. thanks

EmmaGrundyForPM Sat 05-Dec-20 05:01:26

Let him move, you stay in the area you are now. Sell the house and buy something for you.

Get yourself a SHL.

Stillfunny Sat 05-Dec-20 05:10:53

I would let him go . Let him see it as a trial to see if his plans work out.
It is not just you to consider , the DCs probably won't want to move either.
I think a separation may give you the clarity and strength to leave the marriage. I understand about the financials but a lawyer will be able to tell you where you stand.
You sound unhappy with him and his behaviour is nasty . Think how nice it would be free of his abuse.

TramaDollface Sat 05-Dec-20 05:11:34

My mum was in your shoes - in fact my dad basically drove her to a breakdown

She left and has never looked back ever... she even managed to do a masters and restart her career while going through it

There was quite a lot of money involved and he delayed obfuscated and was basically a cunt to divorce but her freedom was worth the effort

We are twenty years on now and there is a huge difference between the time we spend with her and the time we spend with my dad - if they had stayed together we wouldn’t have seen much of them really. My dads just too much of a bully.

Mrbob Sat 05-Dec-20 05:18:49

It sounds like a divorce is the best thing that could happen to you

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 05-Dec-20 05:32:34

How do your dcs feel about moving away to a remote location? I imagine it to be unlikely they would want to go. What about their career prospects? Let alone friends etc. Would you be ok to leave them behind to live with this man, who is horrid to you?

TillyTopper Sat 05-Dec-20 06:30:31

Gosh that sounds awful OP, I am pleased you are seeing a solicitor and please try to plan for the scenario where you are on your own. I think being where you are now in a smaller place with your DCs sounds far better. If you move rurally with him then you'll have no friends and what happens when verbal abuse becomes worse or if/when his drinking and drug taking gets worse. Take this opportunity of him saying he wants to move to untangle yourself. Good luck!

WokesFromHome Sat 05-Dec-20 06:34:33

Let him go. You think you are weak, but you aren't because you are still standing and still sane. What you will find is that if he leaves, you will be a bit disorientated for a few months and then one day wake up and think "actually this is OK" and you will realise that you are stronger than you think and that you don't want him back. Your relationship is death by a thousand cuts. You think you need him because he is in front of you and he is gaslighting, manipulating and mentally draining you but the truth is he has subjected you to SAS style torture for the past 27 years and once you remove the metaphorical hood and earphones with the drip drip verbal abuse you will see that out the 2 of you, you are the strong one and he is weak.

WokesFromHome Sat 05-Dec-20 06:37:38

You are concerned if he goes and then visits you it won't be a marriage

When he comes over you can smile and wave and be pleasant, whilst you get your ducks in order and decide what YOU want, and then wave him off with a "bye love, see you soon" and then get back to building your new social life and hobbies.

speakout Sat 05-Dec-20 06:38:27

OP I think you know what needs to be done, but very hard to do it after such a long time in an abusive relationship.
You feel afraid, vulnerable, and question your strength.
This is what abuse does to you.
I am glad you are taking steps to see a solicitor.
I would also find a counsellor to talk through your feelings.
You do have the strength to find a happier life, but having emotional support will make it easier to find that strength.

Crustmasiscoming Sat 05-Dec-20 06:40:08

So glad that you're speaking to a solicitor OP.

You CAN do this. You will.

Once you've spoken to that solicitor, every single day that passes is a day closer to being untied from this dickhead.

Good luck OP smile

Suzi888 Sat 05-Dec-20 06:54:20

Rainbowqueeen

Yanbu.

It sounds like it would benefit both of you to end the marriage if I’m honest.
Do not move. It will be much harder for you to split if you buy a farm. Does he have any farming experience at all?
It sounds like a disaster in the making and an opportunity to isolate you so he can ramp up the abuse without an audience

See a solicitor, a counsellor and don’t let him visit you! He sounds awful.

Whydidimarryhim Sat 05-Dec-20 06:58:50

Hi OP get some counselling for yourself. You married an abusive bully who’s behaviour will escalate at speed once you isolate your self further.
Also look up CODA or Alanon - don’t let him spoil the next years of YOUR LIFE.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie Sat 05-Dec-20 06:59:00

As an aside from the practical matters you’re faced with, I’d strongly suggest you take a look at The Freedom Programme. Also some personal counselling.

You can do The Freedom Prog. online and doing that may help you untangle your approach to his appalling behaviour.

I’ve done something similar after 25 years of marriage, kids etc. I was very close to some kind of breakdown, and I knew the stress of living with my ‘d’H would kill me.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but the best thing I’ve ever done.

Feel free to PM me if you want. I’m Home Counties too.

Taikoo Sat 05-Dec-20 07:26:24

You're clearly very trampled down by this loser of a man.
If you move to the countryside, I suspect he might kill you out there, eventually.

Divorce is the only solution here.

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