Is it normal in marriage...?

[Bumble03]

I’m sorry for this silly question but I always doubt myself.
I wanted to know if it is normal when my husband is upset/angry/frustrated about anything at all he picks on my slyly all day until I get either angry at which point he’ll state what a bad temper I have and I need to calm down or until I end up in tears after which he will walk off like ‘crocodile tears’ and then go and have fun with the kids making sure I can hear he’s laughing.
But he’s never ever ever violent. He has a short temper as in get angry and sometimes the kids and I tiptoe around him!
An example of how nasty (or maybe this is normal so I want to find out) he can be, If the rest of the house is a mess (when I was on mat leave with my 3rd child) but I’ve tidied just my elder sons room, he went in there once and played with my son and completely wrecked the room while playing with him and I said ‘why did you do that I’ve just tidied it’ to which he replied ‘well the rest of the house is a sh1t hole so what difference does it make.
For perspective, We both work hard, I work p/t and he full time. The finances are all handled by me (incase anyone thinks he’s under extreme pressure!) and he doesn’t have financial pressure as I manage it all and I also earn a little more than him.
This type of behaviour started as soon as we got married and it’s been a long 9 years. We have 3 children, eldest is 8 and youngest 2

[Janesandian]

He’s a dick and you know it. All that matters in this is how you feel. So how are you OP?

[LolaSmiles]

It's not ok at all and the fact you're asking means deep down you know it.
Nobody should be on egg shells all the time and nobody should be goaded and bullied and belittled and then be told they have a bad temper.

It might be worth having a look at DARVO

[curtainsfort]

I wanted to know if it is normal when my husband is upset/angry/frustrated about anything at all he picks on my slyly all day until I get either angry at which point he’ll state what a bad temper I have and I need to calm down or until I end up in tears after which he will walk off like ‘crocodile tears’ and then go and have fun with the kids making sure I can hear he’s laughing.

Read what you wrote OP. And again.

Of course it's not normal

[berrygirlie]

Not normal. You know it too. Good luck

[Popcornismandatory]

He sounds vile and no it's not normal.

[BritInAus]

He sounds like a nasty abusive arsehole. No, definitely not normal.

[Bumble03]

I just wanted to know, there’s not much I can do about it, he says I’m too sensitive but I don’t think so. He has put me through so much stress I’m sure I’m not blameless. And after all it was my decision to marry him.
I do hate myself more than I can explain for making that mistake but I love my children so so so much that it was worth it. I am a super positive person so I’m happy and keep myself going. I don’t have anyone to talk to as my family just think I’d never cope and it’s more convenient with the live in help. He does help. Sorry I sound like I’m ungrateful for the comments but I’m so grateful thanks for taking the time.

[Bumble03]

@Janesandian

He’s a dick and you know it. All that matters in this is how you feel. So how are you OP?

How am I?? I am as bad as the cuts on my arm...I’m embarrassed and just an absolute sad case who makes the wrong decision throughout life. But I keep it together and I don’t enjoy pity parties!

[Pantsomime]

Oh OP you need to speak to someone in RL. I. The meantime we hear and support you but can’t make it go away. You need to build up your self esteem and fight back internally by believing in yourself. Sounds like you ultimately need to leave with your DCs. What live in help? He sounds like a chain round your neck. Do you Still love The idea of him?

[Pantsomime]

To clarify- take DCs with you

[Pumpkintopf]

Jeez op no, this is not normal. He sounds like an abusive arsehole tbh. Please read ' Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft- you can read it free online - I'm guessing you'll recognise him in there.

[Jeremyironseverything]

You've taken the first step by beginning to acknowledge that this is no way to live. Now you just have to build up the confidence to go it alone. Hopefully other peoples stories will help you with that. I'm sure people will do that on this thread.

[VenusTiger]

Are you self-harming OP? You must speak to someone, WomensAid for reassurance - he's being psychologically manipulative,calling the shots and setting the mood and that is not fair on your children. You are being loyal to a bully OP, it's that simple. You need to teach your children, how you walk away from bullies not continue to live with it. You're being worn down bit by bit and you will eventually snap, as you are human.
I can't believe your family would suggest you stay with him as he's "help" FFS! do they care about you at all? or have you just not told them exactly how he is - I'll bet he's as sweet as pie with everyone else isn't he OP? He's text book and knows you won't do a thing about it.
You need to consider marriage counselling if you think it will help (and you don't ask him, you tell him you're going with or without him) OR you write down the advice you'd give to one of your children in a relationship like this and read it back to yourself.
I'm angry for you OP.

[converseandjeans]

No he's deliberately trying to make you feel crap about yourself. I suspect it's because you earn more than him for doing PT hours. He's trying to be the big man.

[Doublebubblebubble]

What hes doing is gaslighting. It isnt normal. I'm sorry.

What an arse

[dsaflausdhfiushdfakdsf]

What you have described is emotional abuse, OP. He's bullying you. When you live with someone like this you feel like it's normal behaviour, but I promise that in healthy relationships, people don't go out of their way to make their partner unhappy.

He's gaslighting you - doing little things to get you wound up and then insinuating that you're unreasonable for reacting. It's a form of manipulative behaviour, and the longer it goes on with recognising it for what it is, the more you will doubt yourself and your own sanity. People who manipulate like this are really good at doing/saying little insidious things throughout the day that are so minor that it's hard to call them out individually without being accused of overreacting. For example the odd eye roll, exasperated sigh, slightly negative comment... on their own they don't seem like a big deal so it's hard to say anything without being called 'crazy' and 'emotional', but they all add up.

I hope you're ok, OP. You've done well to post on here and articulate how you're feeling. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Please consider whether it is the best environment for you and the kids in the long-term. I would personally run a mile but I know it's easier said than done x

[Coyoacan]

And don't be blaming yourself for how he treats you, OP.

Don't go to marriage counselling with this man, as it is definitely not indicated when there is abuse. But maybe you could do with some counselling.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

• there’s not much I can do about it, he says I’m too sensitive but I don’t think so. He has put me through so much stress I’m sure I’m not blameless. And after all it was my decision to marry him.
  I do hate myself more than I can explain for making that mistake but I love my children so so so much that it was worth it. I am a super positive person so I’m happy and keep myself going.*
  
  There are things you can do about it. You decided to marry him. You can decide to leave the marriage. Marriage is NOT a life sentence. It is a partnership and your partner is sinking your ship.
  If you love your children, give them a good life. Offer happiness and self respect. It's more important than money and live-in help.
  Also, you are not a happy person if you are self-harming. You are escaping your emotional pain by inflicting physical pain.
  Do you want the children you love to grow up and marry someone like your husband? Then forget marriage counseling -- find a solicitor and file for divorce.

[katy1213]

You don't have to live with a bad decision. If you earn more than he does working half the hours, it sounds like you'll manage just fine without him. (And this might be even be partly the reason why he's constantly dragging you down? Nasty little men tend to resent women who are more competent than themselves.)

[Molly333]

Get yr self a counseller and dont tell him to build up yr self esteem . Also remember children learn what they see and often take that into their own relationships . Having come from a controlling dad and a mum who carried on i know the impact only too well. My brothers are now very controlling like our dad was and i walked into a controlling marriage because i didnt even register the warning signs. That marriage ended up v badly for me and my children ( ok now) . If you dont even do it for you do it for them

[mathanxiety]

Are you talking about self harm @Bumble03

Please talk to a therapist who specialises in helping victims of emotional and psychological abuse.



And buy 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft.
Keep it hidden from your H.

[Shoxfordian]

I hope you're safe, please talk to a therapist if you can and leave your husband, he's a knob

[Bumble03]

Thank you all you are so lovely for taking the time I really appreciate it.
@Molly333 my mother is also very controlling, she always has been. She used to make me cry most days just because she was in a bad mood but she and my father worked so hard to give us everything they could. She is still very controlling but we get on better now I don’t live there and she helps me with childcare a lot. She is very different and loving towards my children, never angry or controlling. Also my last relationship was physically abusive so I kind of ignored any bad in this relationship for a long time.

[CorianderQueen]

You're being emotionally abused and gaslighted.

Not normal at all.

You're not sensitive, you're being purposefully wound up until you snap so he can make out like you're unbalanced or crazy. He does this to make you feel unsure of yourself so you'll let him get away with anything. So you won't trust yourself or your instincts.

He's doing all of it on purpose to make you bend to his will entirely.

Would you be scared of him if you confronted him about it? See a counsellor to rebuild your self esteem. Write things down so you KNOW you're not making it up.

Don't let him make you disbelieve yourself. You know what happened, you know what's been said, you are a reliable narrator.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I was going to ask you what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Basically your mother was and remains abusive towards you (and in turn your children) and she taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships. She is not an emotionally safe person to be around your children now. You need alternative childcare.

She may well "like" your kids but she could well turn on any one of them at any given moment particularly as they get older and develop opinions of their own. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she really is not a good example of a grandparent to them either. You still remain very fearful of her I would think. She and your current H are really one and the same. Not altogether surprisingly either given her example that you've basically gone from abusive relationship to abusive relationship all your life.

Please take in what is being said to you also by these other posters. Do not bury your head in the sand here and start carefully formulating up a plan to leave your abusive H (and with it your mother). You are indeed being emotionally abused and gaslighted here, your mother started that particular rot with you as her child.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. It is for those who have been in abusive relationships.