Divorce, AIBU?

[1strangerthings]

Hi there,

I work for the NHS in corporate services, which has been a minefield recently around contract issues, COVID etc, taking exams.

Now, I admit I could have helped out a bit more. Wife works 30 hours a week, I do 37. Generally, I may cook twice a week, I'll wash up and do the occasional load of washing etc.

I've been sleeping downstairs as I snore, the wife will wake up, wake me up and go downstairs in a bit of a huff.

Before this, she kept telling me her heart was set on a new Kitchen, so I paid my savings into a new kitchen.

She woke me up at 02:00hrs in the morning to tell me she wanted a divorce. She says she knows I have watched porn and I said 'yes, I've watched it occasionally'.

I am now in receipt of divorce papers and I am having mediation (financial and childcare) chasing me every day, but this has all happened in the space of just over 2 weeks, so my head is spinning.

We put a deposit on the house with my money. During some PTSD compensation from the army, it went off to pay off her credit card. And it was my savings to spend on the kitchen. She has now said I will pay the mortgage, provide CMS and will have my daughter every other weekend and should count myself lucky I'm getting that.

The divorce petition is unreasonable behaviour, because I don't do the housework.

The bank have said only I can manage the bank repayments going forward. My parents have offered over half the equity to pay her off. She's 'not getting it' and thinks I am trying to trick her. She's not very switched on financially and I am not crippling myself by trying to pay rent and mortgage at the same time indefinitely, it's not feasible.

Her sister thinks she's mad, but it has got to the point where it is endangering their relationship. I'm worried about the effect it has on my daughter and have asked if we can talk things through, or seperate first without going through divorce, but she's admanet. She has a habit of fixating on things, and then realising the grass isn't always greener. She refused to talk to her mum for 2 years and thinks everyone is talking about her.

I see marriage as a partnership, but I think she has too many unrealistic expectations (flowers every other day etc). I don't think she realises sometimes it is hard work.

I'm just a bit shell shocked. I've been doing more (I never knew she was so unhappy), but Saturday she takes our daughter out, Sunday I have her.

When I said we would have to talk about the house, she said she would report me for domestic abuse. ALthough she now accepts that was an overreaction.

She's asked today, if I can make a soup. I'm just very confused where this has all come from. I'm not perfect, but this seems to have come from nowhere.

[Alys20]

She doesn't get to dictate the terms, in a divorce you have to reach some kind of agreement, not be bulldozed.

I'd disengage from the dialogue with her as you won't get anywhere by the sounds of it. Take the heat out of the situation with a neutral third party? Mediation/counselling, is that an option?

With the jobs you both do it must be very stressful at the moment.

Start talking to a solicitor about your rights, before you make any decision.

[MMmomDD]

First of all - you need a solicitor to at least understand your options.
But in general - you don’t need to accept her the unreasonable behaviour filing. This may give you two a bit of time to figure out what is actually going on.
Unless she has met somebody else - it does seem a little sudden and odd.
We only do have your account of the relationship - so who knows. She may be terribly unhappy with you. Or she maybe acting out on depression. Or something else entirely is going on.

As to what financial settlement she can be entitled - no one can say for sure. Who paid for what isn’t relevant if you had a longish marriage - over 5years, I think. So joint assets are split in halve. Child support is calculated based on how much time kids spend with each parent.
As you both work - she is unlikely to get any spousal maintenance - so you don’t have to pay her mortgage.
And equally - since you are both working - you’ll have a strong case for 50/50 share of your child’s time. If this is what you’d like and can manage.

Good luck!!!

[carlaCox]

It's hard to comment given that we've only got one side of the story. But if you and your wife are both working full time, you've got a kid and your contribution to the housework is "cook twice a week, do the washing up, occasional laundry" then no I wouldn't be happy with that either.

[1strangerthings]

@carlaCox

It's hard to comment given that we've only got one side of the story. But if you and your wife are both working full time, you've got a kid and your contribution to the housework is "cook twice a week, do the washing up, occasional laundry" then no I wouldn't be happy with that either.

Sorry, think you misread it, where I stated that the wife essentially works 4 days and I work 5, hence the adjustment with childcare & whilst she does do admittedly more housework.

Maybe I am missing something, but I would expect to have a conversation about it before running straight to the solicitor and accusing someone of financial domestic abuse because they are refusing to pay the mortgage for the next 12 years.

[ADelicateFlower]

Doesn’t sound like you’ve been pulling your weight around the house, I’m afraid. I don’t think I’d like it if my porn-watching husband snored to sleep on the sofa, either. And who gives a shit what your sister thinks? Why are you discussing your marriage details with her? And did you not benefit from the new kitchen? The credit card debt was probably due to household expenditure - you should be working as a team.

I’m afraid I have little sympathy with your post. I divorced my ex-husband for a lot less.

[TicTacTwo]

You need to find out your legal rights. Your wife mistakenly believes that she is in control but she should be organizing her financial future.

You're not "lucky" to see your dd every other weekend. It's not up to your ex to decide - the court will be advocating for your DD's right to see you and whether it's 50/50 or less is up to the courts.

You're not going to be forced to pay for the house she lives in and rent. She needs to work out if she can afford it on her own. Some lenders will include CM in the calculation. If she can raise your share of the equity then she could pay you off and have the house in her name but only she knows what she can afford. You won't get your deposit or kitchen cost back unless you protected the deposit legally when you bought the house. If she can't pay you your share of the equity then it's possible for her to ask to pay you when the child is 18 and you'll hopefully benefit from a rise in house prices but this could stop you getting a mortgage for your own property so not always an option.

[IndecentFeminist]

If you are married, surely the savings that paid for house deposit, kitchen etc were joint?

[ADelicateFlower]

Sorry - realise it was her sister, not yours. But the rest of my post stands.

[LilyLongJohn]

You need to see a solicitor and get proper legal advice, some give a free half hour consultation. Once you know exactly what's what you'll be better placed to discuss things with her. Mediation will help too. Again she doesn't get to dictate how often you see your daughter, financials etc.

I'm afraid it does sound like you've not been pulling your weight. It also sounds like she's been stewing on this, bottled it up and she's finally exploded

[giletrouge]

the wife
Mm-hm.

[IndecentFeminist]

You only work 7 hrs per week more than her...does she only have 7 hrs' worth more responsibilities?

[LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb]

I imagine "the wife" has a very different story to tell.

[Badwill]

Would love to hear "the wife's" side of this tale!

[Dontpasstovardy]

It's very unlikely you will be required to pay both her mortgage and CMS.

That's not how it works.

[1strangerthings]

@IndecentFeminist

You only work 7 hrs per week more than her...does she only have 7 hrs' worth more responsibilities?

Yeah, pretty much once you net everything off, bath time, cleaning etc.

[millymollymoomoo]

See a solicitor
Highly unlikely you’d be expected to lay the mortgage - if she can’t afford it you’ll be most likely looking to sell and split
Financial settlement will be based on assets available and earnings
You can also go for 50:50 shared care. You don’t need to accept what she tells you or us “offering ‘ you
Re the divorce, you can accept the petition but say you dispute some facts but won’t contest the divorce
See a solicitor !

[1strangerthings]

@ADelicateFlower

Doesn’t sound like you’ve been pulling your weight around the house, I’m afraid. I don’t think I’d like it if my porn-watching husband snored to sleep on the sofa, either. And who gives a shit what your sister thinks? Why are you discussing your marriage details with her? And did you not benefit from the new kitchen? The credit card debt was probably due to household expenditure - you should be working as a team.

I’m afraid I have little sympathy with your post. I divorced my ex-husband for a lot less.

That's okay, delicate flower.

I'm sure you're a lot happier now and you are an absolute catch. I can reflect on myself and give an honest opinion about myself.

For myself not too worried about the future, being a 40 year old chartered accountant. I just have to make sure my daughter is taken care and then me, that's my priority right now.

[dworky]

@giletrouge

the wife
Mm-hm.

This

[1strangerthings]

@millymollymoomoo

See a solicitor
Highly unlikely you’d be expected to lay the mortgage - if she can’t afford it you’ll be most likely looking to sell and split
Financial settlement will be based on assets available and earnings
You can also go for 50:50 shared care. You don’t need to accept what she tells you or us “offering ‘ you
Re the divorce, you can accept the petition but say you dispute some facts but won’t contest the divorce
See a solicitor !

Thanks for the positive feedback - I can afford it and would look to pay her equity (and a little bit more), after speaking to both mediation and my solicitor, spousal maintenance is very unlikely.

I'm also going to go for 50/50 I think. Giving my daughter the care she needs from both parents and letting her sleep in the home she's been in, will allow her to settle a bit more I think.

[HotSince63]

Your wife wants a divorce.

Stop trying to persuade her to talk things through, or seperate first without going through divorce.

Go and see a solicitor, get the ball rolling, and stop bitching about her to her own sister.

[1strangerthings]

@TicTacTwo

You need to find out your legal rights. Your wife mistakenly believes that she is in control but she should be organizing her financial future.

You're not "lucky" to see your dd every other weekend. It's not up to your ex to decide - the court will be advocating for your DD's right to see you and whether it's 50/50 or less is up to the courts.

You're not going to be forced to pay for the house she lives in and rent. She needs to work out if she can afford it on her own. Some lenders will include CM in the calculation. If she can raise your share of the equity then she could pay you off and have the house in her name but only she knows what she can afford. You won't get your deposit or kitchen cost back unless you protected the deposit legally when you bought the house. If she can't pay you your share of the equity then it's possible for her to ask to pay you when the child is 18 and you'll hopefully benefit from a rise in house prices but this could stop you getting a mortgage for your own property so not always an option.

Thanks, she won't be able to raise the equity.

I think she was hoping for full access + mortgage + child maintenance.

The bank have said they would only consider CM once it's being paid for 3 months (but even then she is under the threshold). If I have her 50/50, I'm guessing the CM will be relatively small.

I'm not having the mortgage and rent being paid. It sounds shitty, but I'd just hand my notice in, if that happens. I'll just pay her equitey and a bit more.

[ADelicateFlower]

That's okay, delicate flower.

I'm sure you're a lot happier now and you are an absolute catch.

I’m sure my most recent partner can vouch for this. Yes! I am an oasis of delight.

I used to ask my ex day and night to put his cup INSIDE the dishwasher and not beside it.

Like you, he was baffled as to why I wanted to divorce his sorry arse in the end. He was surprised. But why?! It’s just a cup!
Like you, he failed to see the significance of being the one doing more than my share of the wife work.

I can reflect on myself and give an honest opinion about myself.

Good. I mean this kindly. Do the work on yourself, and it will reap benefits for your future relationships.

FWIW, my ex (not having reached such dizzying heights as a chartered accountant, like you, admittedky, but neither of us in shabby careers), nowadays, holds me in high esteem. We are very close friends. I wish him no harm. But I had to get out for my own self respect, and to teach our daughter how women should be treated.

And another tip - I actually dumped a previous boyfriend for his snoring. You should get that seen to. There’s nothing more unattractive than a man who doesn’t take care of himself.

Good luck.

[Lorddenning1]

@1strangerthings sorry you are not getting the support from this thread, if this was the women saying this in a thread, you would of got totally different advice.
I would go and get some legal advice for a start.

[MessAllOver]

Two things here - it might be useful to separate them out - (i) your relationship; and (ii) what your wife might be entitled to in a divorce.

On (i), it sounds like things haven't been great in your relationship for a while and your wife "checked out" emotionally long ago. She's just reached boiling point now. I suspect the reason is that what you interpret as being a "partnership" (her working slightly less than you but probably doing over 90% of housework and childcare and carrying the household "mental load), she views more as you treating her like the resident skivvy. The disrespect she feels she is shown is probably compounded by the porn-watching.

I don't think she realises sometimes it is hard work.

Sounds like she's the one doing most of the hard work, i.e. household drudgery. Apologies if I'm wrong on this, but when was the last time you scrubbed the loo or the kitchen floor or cleaned out the fridge? Or folded and put the laundry away? Who sorts your daughter out? Buys clothes and packs her school/nursery bag, that sort of thing. Putting a wash on and cooking occasionally doesn't scratch the surface of what is needed to run a house.

On (ii), the financial aspect, it doesn't matter how unreasonable she thinks you've been, a court's still not going to award her a financial settlement that's unfair to you or effectively means you're her 'slave'. So she might get a decent share of the equity (more than 50% if she's primary carer) but unless she can buy you out, which you say she can't, the house will probably have to be sold. You won't be forced to pay the mortgage and rent separately if it would leave you destitute.

On 50/50 shared care of your daughter, you should think very carefully about this. Firstly, are you doing it in order to reduce the maintenance payable? If so, depending on your daughter's age (apologies if I've missed this), bear in mind that childcare costs and your share of your daughter's expenses may come to more than you would have to pay in maintenance. Secondly, if you really do want to genuinely share care, is it in your daughter's best interests and is she going to be able to cope with moving between homes? Think about who provides most of her care at the moment? Is it you or your wife or do you parent jointly? The status quo continuing is probably going to be in her best interests, at least to start with.

[carlaCox]

As a serious question - do you love your wife? Because you seem more concerned about the financial settlement than you do about the fact that your wife wants to leave you. If the love has gone then perhaps it is right to call time on things.