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Dp checking phone and possibly computer - massive rant

(130 Posts)
BrackenBeaker Mon 30-Nov-20 14:15:38

So myself and DP, together 8 years, lived together for 5.

Both always wfh and now with covid have spent a lot of this last year in each other's company.

A few weeks ago in a silly argument DP suddenly accused me of cheating on him. This surprised me because a) I'm not and b) even before lockdown my social life was very low key and any socializing I did he was with me 90% of the time. His accusation was also just very nebulous and not about a specific person/time or anything like that.

The next day he apologized for what he said and claimed to not mean it. He then kept bringing it up "as a joke" until I told him it was hurtful and if he had an accusation to come out and say it or to pack it in. He apologized again and agreed.

Since then he has gone out of his way to look at my phone three times that I've seen. I use my phone for work/banking and its always left lying around. He sometimes uses my phone if his is dead and every time I tell him the password. It's a password/set of 4 numbers he could easily remember but seems not to and needs reminding each time. I get the odd message from friends and some social media alerts (twitter). All above board chatting. I am a very boring person grin I can't emphasize enough that this is a tiny trickle of messages, not loads, not that this is the point. Basically I'm not precious/protective about it at all.

The first time he did it he was holding my phone for me while I sorted something and I turned around to see him scrolling through the alerts/messages. It wasn't so much that he did this but he seemed so intent and serious as he did it, and he'd waited until I was turned away.

The second time I dropped my phone down the side of the sofa while on my laptop. He came across the room and insisted on picking it up. In the process he blatantly checked the phone and the computer screen. I don't mean glancing.

I was logged into my bank on the laptop and my phone to check and move my savings around. Dull, dull, dull. I gave him a bit of a disappointed look and he cracked some joke about oh these men send you money now do they.

I told him to do one.

Third time was just now. He needed to use my phone to make a call. He walks out of the room as the call ends, full minute passes and he walks back in blatantly still scrolling through these boring twitter notifications on there. He was really upbeat afterwards, like he was relieved.

Also, around a week ago we got a takeaway from deliveroo, ordered online. When the status changed to being delivered I went downstairs to receive the delivery. When I came back up, (had to wait a few minutes), the deliveroo tab had been closed, the tab with my twitter was open (I have around 40 tabs open all day everyday and spend very little time on twitter). Dp was also behaving very strangely. I asked him in a joking way if he was messing around on my twitter and he told me that my computer made a weird noise and shut itself down. I pointed out that it was not shut down. It's an ancient model, take ages to start up and besides all my programs (I work as an illustrator) were open and as I left them. He is a terrible liar and this was just obviously not true. I let it go but this bothered me mainly because I write fiction as a hobby and a way to to mange anxiety and he knows that I don't ever want anyone to read any of it unless its finished and also something I wanted anyone else to read.

I just felt really invaded, like he had read my diary or something. He kept coming up to me and hugging me after that and making some odd comments about was I ok, etc. My impression was that he'd read something about depression in the tab where I do my writing. Maybe he didn't but that's what I am thinking now.

Just to be clear if he wanted to use my computer to check something then that would be fine. I don't expect him to root around through things though.

Just before he started with this behaviour he told me that his last serious gf had cheated on him, I never knew this. She also did some unpleasant things like bringing the new bloke round to his house after she left him (for this other guy) and they basically let themselves in. She met the guy online and that's how they built up to her leaving to be with him.

Obviously lockdown has taken a toll on everyone's mental health and this seems to be an insecurity of his that has risen up but my mental health has taken a battering too and while I don't really give a fuck about the phone, waiting until I'm out of the room and then checking through my laptop/reading what is basically a diary and lying about it is not on. I don't know for sure that he did that but he blatantly lied about why the Deliveroo tab was closed and the Twitter one was open.

I'm just tired and I don't need a new problem right now. Thanks for listening.

OP’s posts: |
papaelf Mon 30-Nov-20 14:19:44

He is starting to manipulate and control you. What you do about that is your choice but don't let his ex cheating on him be an excuse for emotional abuse. It's starting in your relationship right now. I'm sorry.

forrestgreen Mon 30-Nov-20 14:22:22

I think you have good reason to check his phone.

TizzDeSeason Mon 30-Nov-20 14:23:16

I couldn’t live with this sort of policing.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule Mon 30-Nov-20 14:24:23

OP this isn't him genuinely checking (not that that would be ok either) this is him showing you he's checking. He wants you to know you're under scrutiny, even though there's nothing to find. He knows there's nothing to find, he's checking anyway because it reminds you of his accusation without him having to come out and repeat it. I'm sorry OP, but alarm bells would be ringing for me - he's doing this for effect and it's controlling behaviour.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper Mon 30-Nov-20 14:24:48

Imo change all your passwords and keep the nosey fucker well out of your business.. No excuses for his behaviour op.

Ohalrightthen Mon 30-Nov-20 14:26:15

This is classic projection. 10 to 1 he's the one having an affair.

sosickofthisshit Mon 30-Nov-20 14:27:46


This is classic projection. 10 to 1 he's the one having an affair.

This. My ex started this shit with me, turned out he was using online dating websites

frazzledasarock Mon 30-Nov-20 14:30:39

So now he has you walking on eggshells worrying about his snooping and feeling guilty for feeling (legitimately) upset at his unreasonable behaviour because his previous girlfriend cheat on him (their previous girlfriends always cheat on them apparently).

Yeah I’d be wandering what’s he’s hiding and go thro his computer and phone. I think there’s a lot of projecting going on and it’s not you.

MikeUniformMike Mon 30-Nov-20 14:31:02

DP suddenly accused me of cheating on him
He's thinking of, or is, cheating on you.

Tell him to do one.

MotherOfDragons85 Mon 30-Nov-20 14:32:22

Just to echo what others have said, this sounds like classic projection. I think you should have a look at his phone and emails too.

AgentJohnson Mon 30-Nov-20 14:37:21

Change your password and when he invariably asks why, tell him exactly why.

HollowTalk Mon 30-Nov-20 14:37:35

I couldn't live with this. He's gaslighting you, trying to control you and gives you no privacy at all. He sounds horrible.

Shoxfordian Mon 30-Nov-20 14:40:41

He's controlling and jealous. I couldn't live with it either

BrackenBeaker Mon 30-Nov-20 14:44:49

@papaelf I am hoping there is a way to make him address this. I think posting was just my way to get my thoughts out and in order first. He does have a little bit of form for being controlling but I usually just tell him to get stuffed. It's just been a tiring year.

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Mon 30-Nov-20 14:45:46

If its came outa the blue with no prior controlling behaviour then I would also assume projection. Tell him that seen as he seems so insistent at looking at your phone, you now suspect that HE is the one with something to hide and want to look at his.

Overtime2019 Mon 30-Nov-20 14:54:13

I’m sorry op but it’s all the classic signs that he’s the one cheating,and he’s trying to turn it round on you

BrackenBeaker Mon 30-Nov-20 14:54:19

@HollowTalk he's honestly not horrible and I'm not perfect by any means. His behaviour at the moment is horrible though, in this one regard.

OP’s posts: |
papaelf Mon 30-Nov-20 14:57:31


*@papaelf* I am hoping there is a way to make him address this. I think posting was just my way to get my thoughts out and in order first. He does have a little bit of form for being controlling but I usually just tell him to get stuffed. It's just been a tiring year.

He really has you where he wants you. Wanting him to address this. Meanwhile you will live forevermore on egg shells so as not to set anything off again. You should really be addressing your reaction. He is doing you a wrong and you want to fix him.

BrackenBeaker Mon 30-Nov-20 14:59:05

@Overtime2019 if that's the case he really needs to come out and tell me so we can decide what we're going to do. Memento mori and all that.

People seem pretty insistent on the cheating thing. I've been paranoid about someone cheating on me in the past and it wasn't because I was doing that to them.

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Newernewist Mon 30-Nov-20 15:01:33

In what other ways is he controlling, my ex used to accuse me of cheating, was monitoring me, didnt like me going out, used to start an argument if I was going out (rarely)
Turned out he cheated on me

Hanab Mon 30-Nov-20 15:07:29

Check his phone & computer 🤷🏻‍♀️
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander yadda yadda ..

On another site more often than not it was discovered the person accusing the spouse or significant other was in actual fact doing the cheating..

TravellingSpoon Mon 30-Nov-20 15:12:53

Yep, classic projection and what my Ex-H did to me (along with making me feel insecure about other stuff).

As an aside, how do you cope with all those tabs open.

Lovemusic33 Mon 30-Nov-20 15:13:43

My ex used to do this too, he even hacked into my MN account once to see if I was moaning about him to others. He was pretty insecure and eventually he started telling me how ugly I was and that I wouldn’t find anyone else anyway. I eventually left him. He did however not cheat on me so o don’t agree that he’s saying it because he’s cheating on you, of course there’s always a small chance he is but I would guess on him being really insecure and having trust issues.

BrackenBeaker Mon 30-Nov-20 15:15:15

@Newernewist he has tried to be on occasion but I always shut him down. This has got to me because whatever my faults I wouldn't cheat, it's just not who I am. So it's upsetting if he genuinely thinks I'm sneaking around sending saucy messages on Twitter or something.

I'm glad you got away from your ex, you're worth a hell of a lot more.

OP’s posts: |

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