How do I get him to leave? (sorry, bit long)

[princesshobnob]

I've posted before under this name, about my dp who is a cocaine addict. I've told him countless times he has to get help and stop or leave, and stupidly I haven't followed through - he's all contrite and sweet afterwards, and it always feels almost like the occasion when he did it was just a bad dream, and once he's back to normal I find it hard to be strong enough to get him out.

However, I have definitely reached the end of my tether. I made it quite clear on Sunday that if I found he'd contacted anyone dodgy, barricaded himself in his room, or did anything that made me believe he'd done it again, he'd have to go. On Tuesday he spent £360, was uncontactable for about 11 hours, and when he came in, barricaded himself in room, til he woke me up to keep him company in his paranoid moments.

I've told him to pack and go, but he just won't budge! I feel like the only way is to pack all his stuff, chuck it out the door, and bolt it. But I just want him to go normally! He's trying to make me feel guilty that he's nowhere to go / that his job is stressful and this isn't what he needs (like he's thinking of his job etc when he does this!!)

I just can't make him realise what he's doing. He always begs for yet another chance, but I've given him far too many already.

Don't really know what anyone can say to help, but just want to rant a bit really, and vent my frustrated feelings. Thanks for reading.

[lilibet]

First is the house in joint names?

If it is the only way to get him to leave is to contact the police, are you prepared to do this?

[princesshobnob]

We're living in a house which belonged to a relative of mine who died, until it's sold (he wants to buy it with me, and cannot understand why I think this is the worst idea ever while he has this problem).

I don't want to involve the police - I just want him to move out, get help, and maybe we can get back together in the future if he can recover, so my dd can have someone capable of being a proper dad.

[beller]

Hi Princesshobnob..
sounds a nightmare...do you have childen? Do they see all this? That should hopefully give you the strength when youre feeling like giving in? He wont get help unless he wants it...and while he can come back after a small fracas with you and have life back to normal, he isnt going to make any changes? I think maybe you will have to do something drastic to make him see sense?
Do you have any support in rl to help you?

xx

[teasle]

Really sorry you are living with this, princess.

Have you got anyone to support you, or would you want to contact any agencies to talk things through with?

You sound like you have made your choice, but it must be very scary position to be in.
Hope you stay strong. Put yourself and your daughter first.

[fawkeoff]

sorry you're having to deal with this hun.
is there any male family member that can come round and help you get his stuf out and stay with you incase it gets a bit heated????.i must say that if he was serious about stopping the drugs, he would be begging for a place in a rehabilitation centre or a support class.i dont think you have any other option but to ring the police if he wont go willingly.

[MyTwopenceworth]

I think you have to let go of what you want in terms of an acceptable exit. It would be nice, sure, but the fact is, it's not happening. So you have to accept that the method of him leaving that you would wish to happen, isn't.

So that leaves you a choice.

Accept the situation and remain in a relationship with him.

Stay in the situation, hoping that you can eventually pursuade him to leave in the specific way that you want.

Decide that enough is enough and what you want is him out of your life and be realistic about how this will have to happen, which looks like it will not be how you would want it to happen.

[princesshobnob]

In rl I have a couple of friends who know the situation, and his family know he has had a problem with drugs, probably not the extent of it though.

I know it's the right thing to do. I find it so frustrating that he just ignores that I've told him to leave - he thinks that if he's all sweet and apologetic, I'll give him yet another chance. Well I suppose to be fair, that's worked for him so far.
He always seems to be able to make me feel like I'm being unreasonabe. Yet I know logically that I am being utterly right.

[GryffinGhoul]

agree with fawkeoff - you need to tell him to go, give him a deadline to get his stuff out and, if he refuses to go, get a calm, male family member/close friend to (unthreateningly) be there at your side at the deadline date and support you in case things get heated.

[princesshobnob]

aaagh - he's so frustrating!
he just carries on totally normally, all affectionate, ovey dovey, telling me how he's making more of an effort with dd, like taking her out last 2 saturday mornings.
He tells me it'll all be different, he'll go to meetings now, he has to live here, he loves us. When I say he has to go, he just says, oh you really are quite angry aren't you. Swear he thinks it's pmt related.
I just honestly think he cannot comprehend the difficulty of living with an addict, and thinks I am unreasonable to tell him to go.
In his job he hears all sorts of problems, mentioned someone who's partner treated her appallingly, and basically told me I had nothing to complain about in comparison......
Also, don't have any male relatives, or even handy male friends unfortunately. Would stick his stuff outside and go away for a few days, but have an elderly dog.

[splishsplosh]

Certainly must be frustrating. It sounds like you are making the right decision though - you need to stick to your guns, don't let him charm you into letting him stay if he won't do anything about his addiction

[lemonstartree]

MAKE HIM GO

contact the police, contact his family , anything but get him out

You know nothing will really change until he hits rock botom and whilst he has a home and loving support from you it aint rock bottom

sorry to be blunt butthis is a crap way to live and a rubbish example to your dd.

with very best wishes from one who knows what its ;like to live with an addict, and has been single for 9 weeks and 1 day now

[princesshobnob]

Thanks lemonstartree, and congratulations to you for being strong enough to leave / get him to leave. How are you finding life now?

Well I asked him to go by today, he still went on about more chances, buying house together, told him I'd put his stuff outside.

He said he needed some money and stupidly gave him some, now he's not answered phone since about 6, so I'm sure it's gone the way of the rest. He'll probably blame me for making him feel low, but I know he's making his choices. And right now I think his choices are crap.

So I've put a bag of his clothes on the doorstep, locked the door so he can't get in... I'm just dreading that he'll get home at midnight or later, and start banging on the door etc.

[lilacclaire]

Can you call someone in his family to let them know, so he has somewhere to go, I know its not your responsibility but it might make you feel less guilty about it (which you shouldn't anyway)

[princesshobnob]

I'm not sure he'd go, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't welcome him, especially if he's high as I presume he is. His relationship with his step dad is pretty poor, mainly due to money, which is probably mainly due to drugs.

He has some friends who stupidly do what he does. At least they should be understanding.

The fact that he seems to have done it yet again, just proves to me that he won't change while he's here.

[Snowhite]

I know exactly hoe you are feeling I am going through the same thing at the moment.DP is a canabis addict he has promised to give it up so many times and I have offered my full support to help him but after a about a week he is back on it and I am mentaly exhausted form it all. I like yourself fed up of giving him another chance but I have now realised that he has to go.

[ginnedupumpkin]

Snap! Except my dp's problem is alcholol. I threw him out yesterday but he's staying with a friend nearby. I'm determined not to crack this time and have him back but its soooo hard.

You sound like you've made your mind up though. Stick to your guns, dump his stuff outside, change the locks. Think of what it will do to your dc if he carries on.

Stay strong.

[ginnedupumpkin]

Oops sorry - you have already done that! The hard part is when you stop being angry and start to miss him, but for your sake you have to stick to your word till he gets help.

I know exactly how you feel - its crap!!

[princesshobnob]

You just keep hoping that it will be different, they will stop, don't you.
He's now arrived home, is ringing continuously on doorbell, shouting through letterbox, and throwing stones at window.

He had £140 when he left here at about 4, hasn't answered his phone since 6, I just do not believe he hasn't spent it on drugs. He won't even stop hanging out with friends who do it too. How can he put them before us, even.

Feel all tight chested and anxious at ignoring him.....dunno what he's going to do. Will break windows at this rate. Wish I'd never let him come here, when I left him in January should have stood firm.


Hate hate hate this all

[princesshobnob]

ginneduppumpkin, I hope I can be strong, I should have chucked him out the morning after last time when at my most angry, it would have been easier. When it calms down and he's all mr charming it's harder cos all I want is that to be the norm.

I don't want to even listen to him now, cos don't want to give myself chance to believe what I'm sure will be lies. I want to believe them, that's the problem. Even if today WAS innocent (chance in a million) I told him last weekend it was over, he begged for another chance, blew it... so that's it.

[Snowhite]

Can you ring any of his relatives to come and get him ?

Keep strong x

[Tortington]

you should call the police if he doesn't go. its unlikley that they will do anything except move him on.

with this on record - it will help you in the future - if he gets his shit together - then starts saying how if you leave him he will fight youfor custody you cansay - really i think there is a record somewhere of you being removed by police.


seriously - he wont get into much if any trouble - you will be safe - he will know your not takingany shit - it might be the kick up the arse he needs - and best of all - you will have it on record for future.

[ginnedupumpkin]

Tell him you'll phone the police if he doesn't go away (you don't have to actually do it but that might scare him off)

I know what you mean about the charm offensive - I've fallen for it hundreds of times and every time you kid yourself that this time it will be different, but it never is. He needs to sort himself out before he can make you any promises and he won't do that until he's hit rock bottom.

So sorry for you - hope it all works out.
x

[ginnedupumpkin]

sorry x posts again!

[Tortington]

bit worried are you ok?

[HubbleBubbleToilAndTrouble]

what is it with abusers and their charm offensive. I have finally managed to get rid of dh, he is an emotional abuser. Have had some tough years because I kept giving him another change.

I wish I'm been stronger years ago. Ring the police, they will keep him overnight and let him go with a caution, but it will take the heat out of the situation and I'd like to see him snuggle up with one of them when he's feeling paranoid later !

You have my full support and empathy xx