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My partner has called it a day. Young baby. What next?

(43 Posts)
HornbeamLane Mon 23-Nov-20 23:54:06

I posted on here recently as my partner wasn't helping me with our baby. We argued like cat and dog. Eventually I've reached out to family and to buy my own car to get some freedom and after a number of shouty arguments he has called it a day. We literally bought our house together a month ago and DD is not even 5 months old. We're not married and she's fully breastfed. He's lazy and says I do nothing for him. Issue is he doesn't realise that as a father he should do stuff for us. He wanted me to cook dinner everyday after work from when she was 6 weeks old etc. He's a pig. But I feel sad because we were so good at the beginning.
To an extent I'm okay with the relationship ending. I love him but equally know I deserve more support and compassion than what I've got so far.
My issue is that he said today he wants 50% custody. I don't agree as baby is fully breastfed and doesn't even take a bottle atm. Even if she did, his involvement has been so little that I'd be worried how she would cope without me for an extended period of time. Longest she's ever been away was 3 hours and she cried after 2.
What do I do?
Im due to go back to work in 6 months (hopefully 4 days each week and little one in nursery) and am fully financially independent. Have good family and friends. I'm just terrified of him having my baby and her needing me. He's on the birth certificate and should be involved, but not to that extent in my view when she's so little. I'm shocked he's even suggested it. What have been other mums experiences of this? I could really do with a hand hold. I'm going to get advice but can't sleep and really need some reassurance.

OP’s posts: |
Wishitsnows Mon 23-Nov-20 23:58:36

Be strong, you will get through this. No, 50% custody of a breastfed baby doesn't happen, he is trying to scare you. Everything is in the best interests of the child so shouldn't be away from you for more than a few hours. Good luck and don't let him gaslight you. You are what your baby needs right now

StephenBelafonte Tue 24-Nov-20 00:00:15

My issue is that he said today he wants 50% custody.

Do you think he means it? What plans is he going to put in place for childcare when he needs to work?

SleepingStandingUp Tue 24-Nov-20 00:01:23

How long does she go between feeds? Could you leave her for that length of time and see how long till he can't cope. Might just scare the crap out of him.

TwentyViginti Tue 24-Nov-20 00:04:16

Oh the ole 50/50 scare tactic.

Ignore it. He's no chance of getting it, and he doesn't really want it.

TheDowagerDuchess Tue 24-Nov-20 00:09:39

I agree no court would give him 50% residence of a bf baby. Or any baby! He wouldn’t even be getting overnight at that age.

Go and see a lawyer and get some proper advice though. Keep your baby with you in the meantime.

madroid Tue 24-Nov-20 00:12:32

I'd try to reassure him that you want 50/50 as soon as she's not breastfeeding anymore.

You could suggest going for mediation to agree days etc. Your bigger issue is not being married. Is your name on the mortgage?

june2007 Tue 24-Nov-20 00:15:14

But if you plannning on going back to work then you will be leaving baby with someone. So if ok to leave baby with relative/childcare why no Dad. you say he does nothing but is there every day. Overnight may not be poss at mo but I would try to work towards 50/50 as much as pos.

MrsMarrio Tue 24-Nov-20 00:17:15

Really hate to put it like this but really annoys me when partners want 50-50 custody of a baby when mum has been the main caregiver for months. Let him have the baby for a couple of hours, if baby is breastfed and will not take a bottle he will soon be bringing the baby back when they are screaming for a feed. It's a wake up call that dad can't be mum too. 50-50 custody is not in the best interest of the child so no court in the land would agree. Really hope things work out for you

HornbeamLane Tue 24-Nov-20 00:17:59

Yes the house was purchased 50/50 in joint names and even during maternity I've paid 50% of everything.
Im just so scared of him making my life hell over our baby. I know he loves her but he does so little with her that she often cries when she's with him if she can't see me or if I'm gone for too long.
I don't know what he would do for childcare but his sister (who told him it's reasonable for me to do everything in the house and dinner for him and look after a newborn, oh... and that he doesn't need to chance a poo nappy because it's weird for a man to do that...@&£@@&) I imagine would be involved to help him. He's also suggested dropping a day in the week and picking one up at the weekend for the weekends that I would have her.
Im just so scared and in pieces

OP’s posts: |
RantyAnty Tue 24-Nov-20 00:24:46

Try not to be scared and ignore his idle threats.
99% of the time it's just bully tactics to try to get you in line.

He does nothing with her now, he certainly won't want the responsibility of a baby by himself. One good thing about not being married is he will have to take you to court and most men are too lazy to do it. Don't facilitate anything for him. He'll be forced to adult or not.

See a solicitor about the house.

TwentyViginti Tue 24-Nov-20 00:24:48

I'm sorry you're going through this. Both him and his sister are twats. Please try not worry. No court would give him 50/50 for quite some time.

Get legal advice ASAP to help put your mind at rest.

He's using the baby as a tool to scare you. Vile.

TwentyViginti Tue 24-Nov-20 00:27:33

99% of the time it's just bully tactics to try to get you in line

Absolutely. My eyes roll every time I see an OP write this. So predictable, these manbrats.

HornbeamLane Tue 24-Nov-20 00:28:13

@june2007 I'd be going back 4 days when she's a year old. If he could have her in the week rather than going to nursery then I don't have an issue with that. My issue would be his sister taking her.
I also don't think it'd be good for her to be with him 50/50. He has a very party, party lifestyle (or at least did), drank and drove a lot, and I just don't think it'd be appropriate for him to care for her that much. I think he would palm her off to his sister and I'd have the battle of undoing her nonsense ideas. Until recently when I just point blank went against him, he said we should watch tv together in the evenings with the volume blaring and lights on because according to him "when a baby wants to sleep, it will sleep". He also doesn't believe in routines for babies.
I'd be hugely worried leaving her with him for extended periods because he hasn't got a clue

OP’s posts: |
justilou1 Tue 24-Nov-20 00:28:29

Ha! He’s such a dick! He just wants to get out of paying maintenance. Tell him he can start by growing some boobs and bf round the clock. Then you’ll think about it.

BlueThistles Tue 24-Nov-20 00:28:38

the old 50/50 to avoid paying a penny ... he sounds charming 🙄

PastMyBestBeforeDate Tue 24-Nov-20 00:31:10

50/50 means he doesn't have to pay child support. That is likely to be what's driving it.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants Tue 24-Nov-20 00:37:08

What most people have said

It's a tactic to do exactly what it has done, worry & upset you. Let it just confirm you're better off apart!!

For now, just say 'sure - when she's no longer breastfeeding'.

Has he moved out yet? If not get him to go to his sisters! She's a twat.

Try to get some sleep, no court in the land us going till give him 50/50 and I'd put good money on him not even taking it that far. No bloke who thinks a new mum shoukd be keeping house, looking after the baby & having his dinner on the table is going to actually want 50/50 shared care if a baby! I'll be someone (probably his sister) has told him he won't have to pay child support if he shares the care. Idiot

Go to sleep. He's not worth a sleepless night x

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants Tue 24-Nov-20 00:37:43

Ha ha cross post with past

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants Tue 24-Nov-20 00:38:04

& blue

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants Tue 24-Nov-20 00:39:03

& half of MN!!

Must type less & faster!!

AcrossthePond55 Tue 24-Nov-20 00:45:21

You need to see a solicitor not only for reassurance and advice about his 50/50 crap, but also to be sure that the house is dealt with in a fair and equitable manner. There is the option of one of you buying the other out or selling and splitting the equity (if there is any). A solicitor can help you figure out which is best for you and to make sure your STBX doesn't screw you over.

And don't be surprised if the 50/50 crap isn't just to avoid paying maintenance, but also to try to scare and blackmail you into giving him more than he deserves from the house.

MessAllOver Tue 24-Nov-20 00:54:40

Either a scare tactic or he wants to avoid paying maintenance.

Babies are hard work. Assuming you have no concerns for your baby's safety, I'd arrange to go out once or twice and leave baby with him. I used to leave my DC at this age with their dad for a couple of hours and just go sit in a coffee shop for a break and DH would bring baby along when they wanted a feed.

RatanPostmaster Tue 24-Nov-20 01:05:30

Don't worry OP. I agree with all the posters - he's trying to scare you and weasel out of paying maintenance. Put on a resting bitch face and don't let him intimidate you. If you do feel scared, don't let it show. Speak to a solicitor as soon as possible.

notangelinajolie Tue 24-Nov-20 01:21:45

He's been on google. 50% means he would pay zero childcare. Ignore. and carry on breastfeeding your baby.
I 100% guarantee he will not go to court for access because it will cost him money.

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