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Relationship after abuse

(7 Posts)
chanandlerbonggg Sun 22-Nov-20 13:05:11

I came out of a very abusive relationship earlier this year, as a result I had to leave my job and stay at home with my two children because I couldn't cope with it all. I have had counselling, now just trying to rebuild myself and mend. I was so excited to finally be able to be happy and free!

I have recently started seeing someone, but I feel like he doesn't prioritise me, work, gym, friends etc come first which I have absolutely no issue with, I would just like if sometimes on his day off instead of starting the day mid-afternoon because of lie-in and gym earlier in the day or picking up another shift, I would like him to ask me what I want to do and go from there. He is aware of my previous. I can't tell if I'm being too sensitive ..?

I understand he has his own life, and I have the kids which he is very understanding over and I'm not saying this should be all the time, just occasionally.

I am sorry this is long-winded I am just battling with myself because in one moment I feel like I am entitled to my feelings and I have discussed this with him and no acknowledgment has been made, but then in another moment I feel like I am being overly sensitive and possibly putting anxiety from previous trauma onto him, if someone has been through similar I would really appreciate the help/advice or just tell me I'm being ridiculous if that is the case .. also any advice from anyone about love after abuse if you have any it is much appreciated thank you x

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Haffiana Sun 22-Nov-20 13:22:26

The one thing that I always notice from posters here who have left an abusive relationship and somehow fallen into another one, is that they are always surprised because they told the new partner exactly how awful and hurtful their previous partner/relationship was, and yet the new partner despite 'knowing' this, was also abusive.

In other words, they put all the responsibility for being treated decently onto the new partner.

If this is the case with you OP, (and you have hinted that it is) then yes, almost certainly your new partner will potentially be abusive.

If on the other hand, you have understood that you need stronger boundaries and that you are utterly and completely justified in having them, then no, your new partner won't have a chance to be abusive because you will dump him if he doesn't behave like a normal decent human being.

Your starting point should be how you want and expect to be treated. His 'acknowledgement' or not is irrelevant. You do not need to persuade or discuss whether he understands or agrees with your feelings, ever. Does that make sense?

chanandlerbonggg Sun 22-Nov-20 13:32:48

@Haffiana thank you, I know what you're saying. I am definitely more aware of triggers/possible abusive-partner tendencies and characteristics, but in this moment, I just can't tell if I am being sensitive, if I am being too overly protective of myself as to avoid being hurt, or if my feelings are normal and rational.

My head is a little mashed from it all, so I apologise if I sound silly sad

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Bunnymumy Sun 22-Nov-20 13:46:14

Dynamics of this new relationship aside (he sounds cold and unthoughtful btw so I think youd be better off out if this) you only left an abusive relationship this year, perhaps you should take some more 'me timr'. Why the rush to jump into something new?

Mentioning having left an abusive relationship early on to someone is not always a good idea btw. As it can make them think 'great, she has poor boundaries' if they arent nice people. Basically it makes you an obvious target for predators.

Bunnymumy Sun 22-Nov-20 13:46:49

*me time

Colourmeclear Sun 22-Nov-20 14:12:22

It's still very soon after your last relationship. I'm not really one to speak as I went straight into another relationship after three months from leaving my abusive ex. I wasn't really ready for it, I still had no sense of my own boundaries, any understanding of how I would cope being alone, I threw myself into it and I wasn't really ready. I was desperate for his approval which meant I did things I regret, slept with him too soon etc.

If this new relationship feels like it's hard work and you're not feeling comfortable maybe take a little bit of a break. Re-assess where you're at, find your feet. Have you done the freedom program? I found it really helpful to discuss these kinds of things with other women in a safe space.

chanandlerbonggg Sun 22-Nov-20 14:44:55

he sounds cold and unthoughtful.

Mentioning having left an abusive relationship early on to someone is not always a good idea btw. As it can make them think 'great, she has poor boundaries' if they arent nice people. Basically it makes you an obvious target for predators.

@Bunnymumy I just thought he was kinda chilled, relaxed etc but that's insightful, thank you for opening my eyes.. I struggle to see reality, I guess. Also I never really thought of telling someone else about the reason for leaving previous relationship as a bad thing, especially as I am such an open, honest person so I suppose I just thought I was doing the right thing, but again thank you for the advice I'll hold on to that.

@Colourmeclear I have looked into that, it was recommended by a lovely police officer and by my counsellor also. I have the book and is scary just how much I feel like I am reading about my ex. Due to lockdown there have been no meetings but possibly over zoom, I think this is something I need to look into.

Thank you to everyone who has commented x

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