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Can trust be rebuilt.. Is it my fault now

(15 Posts)
Saraalen123 Sun 22-Nov-20 11:59:29

So as some of you that kindly gave me advice on my previous post from last night.

I was having trust issues with my husband of his where abouts, who hes with and i needed advice if we would ever rebuild trust. (all have said no)

Last night once he returned home we spoke and he said he will help me rebuild the trust i believe its a very very hard road to go down. Im finding it so difficult as his the father of my 3 kids also and i was very emotional i have alot of family issues going on as it is. We ended up making love we both gave in and i have this guilt now that ive betrayed myself. I never felt like this before it was so emotional there were lots of tears, he said he loves me alot and its all playing on my mind since last night. I love this man alot. In my beliefs i only believe in one marriage. Everyone will have different opinions

But i feel like did i make a mistake, my emotions and love took over felt like separation sex if that makes sense. I dont know how to overcome this cause i feel like i let him off again for betraying my trust.

Should i remain distant or leave or give it a while till he proves himself as he has said

my heads all screwed up.

OP’s posts: |
4starbie Sun 22-Nov-20 12:20:25

What was your previous post?

Saraalen123 Sun 22-Nov-20 12:48:50

@4starbie

Yesterday 23:36Saraalen123

So ive decided to post as i dont know were to get some advice
My situation is that Husband and i keep having arguments over him lying. I told him he keeps breaking the boundaries of trust. Hes told me today after i asked if you need to move out as your lying never stops,he told me that he will make every effort to try solve this.

Hes been out all day and spoke to him last 8pm, still isnt home surely if he cared he would waste no time and start making effort, i believe hes expecting me to chase after him. Ive called him as i needed something from the shops and its now 11.00pm and hes not answering.

Is he even worth my time
Will he even bother fixing up.

OP’s posts: |
Hesfamousforit Sun 22-Nov-20 12:54:58

What is he actually lying about?
Some people do just lie but I think as annoying as it is it can be harmless but if he is lying to cover something up I'd be more worried.

Saraalen123 Sun 22-Nov-20 13:24:44

@Hesfamousforit he lied about speaking to a new friend and has been seeing her to help with training a pet. Nothing that i knew of

OP’s posts: |
SnoriSnorrison Sun 22-Nov-20 16:44:37

Hey again OP, I know things are really hard because you love your H and you have children together.

I think you have to take some time until he starts actively doing something to prove to you that he is serious about full disclosure - I'm afraid I doubt that will happen because he is a proven liar and over the many(?) times this issue has occurred in your relationship he has never really done much of anything to make it better? Does that sound right?

I don't want to add fuel to the fire but in a lot of cases men who lie about the who's and where's when they are with another woman often turn out to be unfaithful. Do you worry about this too?

Remember how all the lies make you feel, and imagine how you will feel if that continues for the rest of your life.

Also try to think of your children, is their father showing them how to act as an adult and if you have daughters they may learn that a liar for a partner is the norm.

It's extra complicated when there are children involved but an unhappy marriage where one partner lies all the time is not a healthy home for them to live in flowers

SnoriSnorrison Sun 22-Nov-20 16:45:54

Don't feel bad or beat yourself up about last night, you clearly love your husband but I think he is using that to manipulate you into letting him off the hook.

HollowTalk Sun 22-Nov-20 16:49:16

Funny how these men never make friends with a man, and particularly with a man who'll help your family. They're so quick to help out younger women while abandoning their own family.

SnoriSnorrison Sun 22-Nov-20 19:12:37

@Saraalen123
When I look back there were other abusive behaviours from my exH, but the lies were the thread that ended up unravelling everything. If it helps you at all to know what I did with my lying exH:

When I decided enough was enough I sat him down, told him that either he made some serious and continued effort to stop lying and rebuild trust or I would have to leave.
I had a fixed time frame in mind of 6 months - how long I was willing to give him but I didn't tell him this! I did not want him to pull out all the stops and pretend for 6months, lulling me into a false sense of security and then go back to the lies.

I lasted 3. He made no effort at all and kept trying to put it all back on me, firstly by deferring all responsibility on to me because he "didn't know what to do" and then getting angry and placing the blame for his lies squarely at my feet eg: didn't want to worry me/argue/me to get upset etc. I am not the sort of person to get upset or angry about the things he was lying about and I worried more not knowing/finding stuff out last minute. These were all excuses and a way to keep me on the back foot by wondering if I was a horrible wife. Which I did, a lot! I worried I was being overly sensitive/difficult/unreasonable/going insane etc!

He was also telling other people lies, giving them the idea that I was one or all of the above, while downplaying his part in everything.

In hindsight, I should have left after he lied to me the second time in our relationship (in the early days), every time I found out a lie and stayed I gave him permission to keep lying to me. We were together for 9 years. Staying for those final 3 months was 2 and a half months too long when he didn't make any effort at all.

However in that time I moved into the spare room, made my plan to leave and started to distance myself emotionally when it became clear he had no intention of changing.

After I left it was another 3 months of him promising big changes only for me to find there were none. I got sucked back in a few times until I finally realised that he would never change. He didn't want to, he just wanted me to put up and shut up.
One time, during an argument I got sucked into (stupid me) over why I had left him, he said "FFS I know I lie but why can't you just pretend I don't?!" I was just floored by that shockangry I remember sitting there with my mouth open full of gobsmacked rage, then laughing, then crying, rinse and repeat. That just explained everything about how he felt about me and our relationship in one concise statement!

He could do what he liked, behave how he liked, lie at will and generally distort my reality and I was just supposed to sit quietly, never question him and play at the happy, sexually available and dutiful wife hmm

I ended up blocking him on everything because when I told him it was finally over he turned quite verbally nasty, look up the abusers' script to read what is usually said by these men (there's probably one for liars too) it is very useful as a tool to prepare yourself should he start spouting the usual hateful bilge. It's very odd because they all say the same things, almost like they are taught it somewhere!

Get in touch with women's aid, they are brilliant, kind and helpful. They can get you counselling, help with filling out forms and general planning if you decide to leave.

Do you have anyone in RL who you can talk to, a friend or one of your (not his) family members?

Saraalen123 Sun 22-Nov-20 20:40:37

@SnoriSnorrison im so sorry 2 hear. Thank you so much for taking time out and trusting me to tell your stpry with exH. Its so hard isn't it my brain feels demolished.

Its so rubbish cause its a teen love lead to adults getting married and starting a family. We know we love eachother alot. No doubt but my heart says it woll continue till i set boundaries of which he will see shes not messing. I want him to feel that sense of loss but then im scared in case of this am i allowing him to do what he likes if he thinks we're separated.

OP’s posts: |
Saraalen123 Sun 22-Nov-20 20:43:23

I dont want to share our family matter with my family as i know they will tell me to give him a chance and leave if it won't change. I have a very small family so they will try to save my marriage. My issue is trust and the rest will fall in place @SnoriSnorrison

OP’s posts: |
SnoriSnorrison Mon 23-Nov-20 00:30:38

It's ok, I just thought it may be of use to you.

I would say you have already set boundaries (please don't lie to me, I don't like it) and he has walked all over them with no worry that there will be lasting consequences.

I'm very sorry but liars do continue to lie.

I think if you need to take time apart to shock him into action and it works that would be wonderful. If he uses that time to act however he likes without regard to you, you know what that means and you can remove yourself.

If you want to give it time, that is fine, only you can say when you've had enough. I would urge you to tell your family the truth about your circumstances so they can support you if they are the supportive type. If they are not or are dysfunctional please try and access individual counselling via womens aid, it would be really helpful whether you stay with your husband or not.

Do not let fear of finding out he will not change stop you from taking action of some sort, you know how life feels at the moment and you are unhappy. You cannot fix this issue because it is your husband that is the problem. All you can do is draw your line and if he walks over it the only recourse left to you is to leave or continue the cycle that makes you unhappy.

I was where you were and I didn't want to leave, I thought if only I could make him understand how important it was that he was truthful or find a way that he could be truthful. I kept giving him chances in the hope that things would change and based on promises that were never kept.

It must be very hard to contemplate because you have been together for what I will assume is most of your lives and you have children together but don't let him treat you with such disregard for too much longer, it really is a horrible way to live flowers

Opentooffers Mon 23-Nov-20 00:51:17

Dear me, all he has to do is say the words that he will rebuild trust and you're already making love to him. Then he doesn't have to actually do anything, because in his mind you've already forgiven him. Nothing will change for as long as you believe the words without looking at the actions.
He can get as emotional as he likes during discussion about it, but what's the point if he's going to continue to lie anyway?

Onthedunes Mon 23-Nov-20 00:55:35

@SnoriSnorrison

Very helpful post.
Liars can't change in my view.

Very damaging personalities.

Onthedunes Mon 23-Nov-20 00:58:07

Op try and wean yourself off him, it's very hard when you love them, but ultimately he only loves himself and what he is entitled to.

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