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How did your dcs cope with DH/DP moving in with OW

(11 Posts)
Devoilmum Sun 22-Nov-20 11:20:09

I discovered dps affair about 7 months ago. He begged to stay, try again. I agreed and he said he’d respect the pace I wanted to go at. Lockdown, furlough, I never really believed that it would be fully over with her and although there wasn’t contact over the summer, they are now back in touch daily and he’s the driving force.

It’s clear that it over and I’m planning to ask him to leave. I’m getting financial advice, sorting bank accounts, utilities etc, and have been secretly packing a lot of his crap up. He is unaware I know about their affair continuing.

He’s just had an increase in pay and I’m due to find out whether my temp role will be made permanent soon. If it is, I’ll have more power to buy him out. If I’m not, I may struggle plus I may not be be working from home.

I’m fairly sure that he’ll move in with OW fairly quickly. He’ll stay local and dcs will want to see him. But how did your dcs cope with their dad suddenly swapping to a new partner? She has no children. This is worrying me a lot. It must be a lot for them to get their heads around? They’re 11 and 13.

OP’s posts: |
movingonup20 Sun 22-Nov-20 11:38:49

They will cope fine if you and stbex try to be amicable, and as hard as it is respectful towards her. Unless there's a safeguarding concern (none indicated in op) then if you say to them she's their fathers friend, and as hard as it is you encourage them the have fun there etc then they should be fine. My dc are getting used to my dp, one is more reluctant than the other (and not the way around you would expect) though they haven't my exh's dp as he left me and they haven't ever stayed with him (young adults so no need). Christmas will be interesting, I pick up dc1 in 10 days for a month university hols, she's only spent one night with dp in the past (I completed my move last month)

Riseupandup Sun 22-Nov-20 11:56:33

Similar situation as you, however I have always stated that if this scenario was to happen then the children would only be introduced to the new partner after a minimum of 6 months in a relationship. Seeing as though he was back with me up until 3 weeks ago then that time has restarted. Over my dead body will he be introducing her to our children until they have being in a stable relationship and see a future together.

Milkshake7489 Sun 22-Nov-20 12:19:33

I have experience of this from the child's side. We didn't meet our stepmum for quite a while, probably more than 6 months (contact took place at a family friend's house and we did a lot of activities/days out in the meantime).

This meant we never associated my stepmum with the breakdown of our family and felt we could build a relationship with her without being disloyal (until another family member took it upon herself to tell us, but that's a different story!).

I'd definitely recommend waiting a reasonable amount of time to introduce the idea of a new partner to your dc. Having your parents separate is confusing enough for a small child without adding in new partners.

Good luck flowers

CluelessnotShoeless Sun 22-Nov-20 12:26:55

If your DH wants to be a decent father he should wait a respectful time before introducing the OW and get a place of his own first. IMO girlfriends/boyfriends should not be introduced once it’s established that the relationship has a future. Even if he leaves for the OW there is no guarantee that it will last so he should wait.

pog100 Sun 22-Nov-20 12:30:32

But 11 and 13 aren't small children and he will do what the hell he wants anyway. While waiting 6 months for things to settle and to see if this is going to be a stable relationship would be ideal, you don't have any power other than trying your best to make it easy for the kids. I think at that age they have a pretty good idea what's going on and will make their own minds up about the OW.

LittleBirdhouseInYourSoul Sun 22-Nov-20 12:41:47

They will also take their lead from you

I made sure my kids knew I thought dp's new partner was good for him. I might have found that harder had she been an OW.

Also I would be slightly wary as quite often these relationships with the OW fizzle when the reality hits and it's all dirty underpants on the floor and farting in the kitchen. So I would try and persuade dp to be sensible and only introduce her when it's definitely a permanent thing

Mum45678 Sun 22-Nov-20 13:06:33

My exH waited about six months to introduce our two children to his OW who were 6 and 4 at the time. Unfortunately because the separation was so traumatic and involved him leaving and coming back and leaving again on top of witnessing how it affected me, they had barely recovered from it all. My 4yo had just stopped having nightmares and wetting the bed, the 6 year old had only just started going to school without a fuss. It set them both back a month or two in terms of adjusting. I think they see her every now and then now and seem to like her.

At the end of the day you can only request that your ex is considerate of their feelings in but he can do as he wishes so be prepared for that.

I wish that people could see the life long damage that affairs cause children. I’m seeing someone whose mother had a number of affairs and he still bears the scars even now as an adult.

Devoilmum Sun 22-Nov-20 15:02:41

Thanks for all the replies and sorry to all of you that have gone through or going through this.
I’m not sure I’ll be able to say that they are a good thing, but I’m gracious enough to say that you should be happy.

We are very amicable at the moment. There’s no arguing and I try to be positive all the time. I’m very quiet though, I find it hard to talk when’s he’s around. He talks about next year, when we do this, how the garden project will be next spring, when we go on holiday next. The dcs have certainly picked up on some of my tougher days but I’m looking to start some counselling soon to help me through.

Him? Well I don’t know what he’ll do. He had his chance to go to her earlier in the year, I begged him to go. He was resolute that he wanted to stay. I think it’s for the front. He doesn’t want people to know or to judge him.
I will offer him 50/50 childcare but I’m not sure that he or the dcs will want that. Can’t imagine OW would either. I don’t think he’ll get his own place, but who knows, maybe he will.
Obviously I can’t stop him from doing anything but I can make him stop, think and consider the dcs in this.
Like a pp said, the dcs are old enough to realise what’s going on and I’m not going to lie to protect him if they ask. But I won’t be bitter or angry in front of them either.

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Sideorderofchips Sun 22-Nov-20 15:11:08

Mine hate his ow and refuse to have anything to do with her. Thankfully he hasn't moved in with her but his own place. She used to be my best mate a d had some questionable behaviour at the house when I was at work. The 13 year old wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire and my 9 year old won't even hear her name. This is down to how they feel and it's perfectly valid as far as I am concerned.

Devoilmum Sun 22-Nov-20 15:26:30

Oh no @Sideorderofchips, that’s awful.

My dcs have met OW before as she’s a work colleague. But I think they may react in just the same way when they find out.

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