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Husband left this morning

(15 Posts)
LouLouLoupee Sun 22-Nov-20 08:07:09

Hello, looking for some stories of hope if anyone can relate.

Been married for 12 years with 2 DSs aged 7 and 3.
DH was medically discharged from the forces 4 years ago and it’s been so tough since then. Being in the forces was all he wanted to do. He was and still is devastated he couldn’t stay in. In those 4 years we have also had extra stresses including homelessness (Private LL selling up), car crash (rear ended) and money problems. On top of all that for the past 2 years he has been suffering crippling migraines caused by inner ear nerve damage.

For the past year or so we have been having the same recurring upset/arguments. These usually come down to the fact that he feels dierectionless, he says he lost everything when he left the forces and doesn’t know how to get past it. Every argument has resulted in us coming up with ideas of things DH can do move forward, from looking for support from organisations to walking the dog more. He has not followed through with any of them. His mood affects the whole house and with no apparent desire to help himself in at a loss.

I suggested a break because we just keep going round in circles. He has gone to his mums with the dog and is close enough to see the kids whenever he wants which I’ll support.

I love him, I’m broken. But hes getting worse and nothing I say or do helps.

Has anybody had a break that didn’t result in a break-up? I’m terrified that’s inevitable.

And what can I do to get through the next few days? I need to hold it together for the kids, but it just hurts so so much.

OP’s posts: |
Newwayofthinking Sun 22-Nov-20 08:12:30

Has he had any counselling at all to help him?

LouLouLoupee Sun 22-Nov-20 08:15:39

Not since he left, I’ve suggested it a hundred times. But because one doctor said he just needed to not worry he didn’t pursue it further. I suggested veteran orgs but he never looked into it. We couldn’t afford to pay for it ourselves.

OP’s posts: |
baubled Sun 22-Nov-20 08:25:31

I don't think there's anything you can do until he decides to take that step into helping himself! I know it's hard, DP came out by choice, regretted it and made life a nightmare so I can only imagine how hard it is when it was a forced decision.

Do you think this is his only way to cling on? By sorting himself out it's accepting that that part of his life is over which is never going to be easy!

pumpkinpie01 Sun 22-Nov-20 08:49:25

It sounds like you have tried to help him help himself but he really hasn't. You can't carry on like this , hopefully time apart will make him realise he needs to try and do something to change things.

Newwayofthinking Sun 22-Nov-20 09:32:35

Have you tried
Help for heroes - They can help both your husband and support you.

BubblyBarbara Sun 22-Nov-20 09:43:16

Leaving the forces is incredibly stressful and hard work even when it’s planned and for good reasons. The entire organisation and plan of your husband’s life has been kicked out from under him.

Bienchen Sun 22-Nov-20 09:45:57

SSAFA can also help, I think.

MadCatLady71 Sun 22-Nov-20 09:55:00

Sorry, this sounds so tough. And what an unhelpful comment from your doctor. You could try contacting these people - they specialise in stress and mental health issues affecting veterans and their families and may have useful advice. www.combatstress.org.uk/

Christmasfairy2020 Sun 22-Nov-20 10:09:23

Think it happens with a lot of millitary personal. PTSD and then marriage break ups, homelessness, drugs and drink. Nowt u can do until he wants help x

Dreamingoftheocean Sun 22-Nov-20 10:12:23

We’ve tried several breaks and they have helped for periods of time ...

I find that after the initial period of adjusting I am quite good at getting on with things and the DC help to distract. Then you start to see the positives of having some time to yourself ie. no arguments, less tidying up, less negative energy.

We are still going round in circles sadly but are now speaking to a couples therapist which will help hopefully one way or the other.

Relationships are HARD!

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer Sun 22-Nov-20 10:14:59

I think that for now you and the DCs are better off without him, OP.

pointythings Sun 22-Nov-20 10:32:59

Unless he takes steps to help himself, your marriage is a lot cause. Yes, what happened to him is incredibly tough, but he is the only one who can help himself. Taking a break is a good start and will give you a little peace, but you two will need to have an adult conversation where you set out the boundaries of what you will accept.

greyhills Sun 22-Nov-20 10:35:55

You can contact Combat Stress yourself. As well as supporting veterans, they offer support to the families of veterans also.

LilyLongJohn Mon 23-Nov-20 15:19:30

You can contact Combat Stress yourself. As well as supporting veterans, they offer support to the families of veterans also.

This!

However you can't help him unless he's willing to help himself.

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