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I can't forgive dp for what he said

(39 Posts)
flashzee Sun 22-Nov-20 07:34:22

It's been 6 years and I'm still annoyed by it.

When I had my ds I was rushed in for emergency c section. Ds was fine but I needed a lot of blood and was understandably in a lot of pain. I won't go into detail but I was in a bad way.

A few weeks later I was allowed home. As soon as I got in I sat down and dp asked me what was for tea! I was stunned and replied by saying I would have thought he could sort it.
He replied ok, whilst I make the tea if you could tidy dd bedroom as it's a right mess.

I sat there shocked. Dp couldn't understand why.

A few months later I talked to him about it and he said it was just a really stressful time for him and he needed someone to help out.

I wish I'd walked away then really but I didn't because I was scared to be alone.

Fast forward to now and it still annoys me every day. I don't think I will ever get over it.

OP’s posts: |
FourPlatinumRings Sun 22-Nov-20 07:37:51

Has he apologised? Have you sat him down and explained how you feel? Was this a one-off or is it part of a wider pattern?

Alexandernevermind Sun 22-Nov-20 07:40:24

He was a twat, but unless there is a pattern you can't hold a grudge for 6 years. I hope you didn't make tea or do the tidying?

rhowton Sun 22-Nov-20 07:41:19

You'd be in hospital for weeks and he'd been home looking after your other child and potentially working a full time job? How old is your eldest child? Whilst how he said it would be a factor, he was probably ready for you to come home and help? I'm usually in the woman's camp for these kind of things, but he maybe was just ready to share the responsibilities. How does he usually treat you? Were the comments initially said with a shitty tone? I think there are a few things that could sway my decision.

Wolfiefan Sun 22-Nov-20 07:42:28

He was stupid and insensitive.
But it was years ago. And it wasn’t malicious or spiteful. I really can’t see the big deal.

KittenCalledBob Sun 22-Nov-20 07:42:54

That was an awful thing to say. But if it was completely out of character you need to forgive him and move on.

rhowton Sun 22-Nov-20 07:42:58

But I also would have said no to cleaning or cooking on my first night home from hospital...

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 22-Nov-20 07:44:42

I can see the big deal. It shows a complete lack of empathy or even giving a shit about you at all, what you’d been through, what your needs were.

It is an unforgettable comment. What’s the relationship like otherwise? Has he shown empathy towards you in other respects?

RhymesWithOrange Sun 22-Nov-20 07:46:26

It was awful but he was probably also in shock and distress and not thinking straight. I had some crap comments from my DH in a similar situation and I think he was just so terrified that we could have died he went a bit barmy (he has terrible previous experiences which he is probably traumatised by).

If your relationship is otherwise good can you learn to let go? Or look at some counselling?

flashzee Sun 22-Nov-20 07:47:53

I just can't forgive him. The next few years following this he was completely stressed out and would fly into angry rages. He completely changed.

Now he is less stressed and we mostly get on ok.

I wouldn't dare ask him to cook me a meal or tidy up upon returning home from surgery.

OP’s posts: |
Wolfiefan Sun 22-Nov-20 07:49:09

The comment I could easily forgive.
Angry rages? Depending on what they were I would have left.
I don’t think one comment is the issue.

flashzee Sun 22-Nov-20 07:50:59

I suppose the comment for me was the start of a few really shit years. It made me feel completely worthless. I wish I'd had the strength to walk away.

OP’s posts: |
Wolfiefan Sun 22-Nov-20 07:53:36

Does he recognise his behaviour was wrong? Has he changed? How are things now?

AnotherEmma Sun 22-Nov-20 07:54:35

flashzee

I suppose the comment for me was the start of a few really shit years. It made me feel completely worthless. I wish I'd had the strength to walk away.

It's not too late. You can still end it. Sounds like you should.

FippertyGibbett Sun 22-Nov-20 07:56:33

So start making plans to leave.
Don’t t live a life of regret.

Shoxfordian Sun 22-Nov-20 07:59:26

Did you go make the tea or tidy the bedroom? I really really hope not. What did you say to him? You can still leave him, sounds like you should

OhioOhioOhio Sun 22-Nov-20 08:03:01

My xh said hundreds of things like this. The biggest mistake I made was thinking that he was thoughtless. He is far from thoughtless. He was very clever with the way he quietly undermined me, made me alone and kept me on edge. My xh is very nasty. I'm so pleased I don't have to tolerate him anymore.

RhymesWithOrange Sun 22-Nov-20 08:42:34

flashzee

I just can't forgive him. The next few years following this he was completely stressed out and would fly into angry rages. He completely changed.

Now he is less stressed and we mostly get on ok.

I wouldn't dare ask him to cook me a meal or tidy up upon returning home from surgery.



I would suggest individual counselling leading potentially to joint relationship counselling. If you think there's a relationship worth saving.

Can you talk to him about it now?

Some people just cope really badly with tiny children. I'm not making excuses, just trying to understand. I've felt like you and found a way through and I'm glad. Is it worth a try?

Treacletoots Sun 22-Nov-20 08:51:27

When I returned from hospital after a c section, my DH kept stopping me from doing anything. Which turns out was a good idea since I passed out in the shower whilst pretending to be totally OK, which of course I wasn't. I'd had major surgery and lost a lot of blood, even though it had been an elective. That's how a loving partner behaves, they put you first when you need them.

It sounds like you didn't have the strength to leave back then, but are you strong enough now? Don't live your life in regret, there's a better life waiting for you if you try.

thecatsarecrazy Sun 22-Nov-20 08:56:54

It was awful but 6 year's? When ds 3 was born he was in hospital for 4 weeks. I stayed with him, my husband was home with the other 2. When I got home the house was disgusting. Clothes clean but just piled up, no housework done. I cried but worked through it.

IsAnybodyListening Sun 22-Nov-20 09:10:19

That is pretty shitty of him. Has he carried on being selfish since? Don't get me wrong, I have been with my Dp for over 20yrs and he definitely has habits that wind me up, however both times coming home with a new born he cooked me a full on roast dinner both times, ran me a bath, and cleaned the house.

Specialcommunicator Sun 22-Nov-20 09:18:54

I could be completely wrong but it sounds like in an ideal world you'd leave him now?

Would you consider talking to him and/or a third party so you could tell them the full details and really try and decide how to move forward. It could be that you decide to leave or stay in your marriage. It can't be easy to still be reminded of his awful behaviour. It also sounds to me that he's not a pleasant human being.

Greenbks Sun 22-Nov-20 09:25:53

The issue isn’t you, my husband and I went through similar, with him being stressed out and going into rages, I drew the line at that and it was a this is about you not me- you need help.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this/have been through jt

AgentJohnson Sun 22-Nov-20 09:56:53

Staying is a choice, one that you could change at any moment.

This isn’t about him anymore it’s about why you won’t (not can’t) make the move. Focussing on what he said 6 years ago after decking to stay is a distraction.

Bowerbird5 Sun 22-Nov-20 10:17:22

I understand completely. I have forgiven but not forgotten.

I went in with high blood pressure before the birth about a week. Home went into labour the next day and after 36 hour labour had a CS. Baby very poorly in Special care unit and I also lost blood and very ill. I didn’t see DS1 until he was 6 days old and he was still in SCUBA and they wheeled me down there.
We stayed in for several weeks then I went home to a rented house we had just moved into before I went into hospital. We had moved 300 miles to be nearer my parents due to work and accommodation finishing. It was my idea.
I went home from hospital and after a cup of tea he wanted me to unpack and wonder why I burst into tears. He hadn’t done any of it and wanted to start that day. He then said “ Well just tell me where to put it.” Nowadays I would tell him exactly where to put it ( shove it).

That was just over 43 years ago so OP forgive but you won’t forget.
DH went for a hernia op ten years into being married. When visiting in hospital he groaned because I sat on end of bed( no chairs) when he came home I told him” Now imagine having to look after a new baby and unpack all your belongings.” It gave him a little insight.😁

Try and let go of it now but you won’t forget. Hopefully he is a lot better now. Mine is but there is still room for improvement.

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