I am so angry at myself and my husband for what our relationship is like. Married 20+ years with two teenage DC. I am always the "nice smiley" person which has lead to me being a doormat. There is no other word for it. Husband hasn't worked for 8 years. In theory when he lost a job it was so i could focus on my career. In reality I still done most of the stuff at home including childcare - he only stepped in when I physically wasn't there and it couldn't be avoided. He takes no responsibility - all bills etc come out my account (always have even when I was on mat leave I would have to ask him for money when mine ran out for bills) as I am "just so much better at that stuff". I have trod on egg shells around his moods because of severe depression over the years. He is much better "in himself" over the last 6 - 9 months, and has promised to get a job....but there has always been an excuse of things like "there's no point until after our holiday etc". He has applied for 1 job in the last few months and then done nothing as he magically expects to get this one and is still waiting to hear. He has been more proactive recently - decorating and cooking lots - which in some ways is great but this then becomes an excuse and I am not allowed to question anything else as he is working so hard at home.......(in his opinion). Even talking about jobs he says he will get one 1 or 2 days a week and doesn't want to work full time. He thinks because we are lucky enough to have some savings he that is okay and that I am obsessed with money (we have no pensions - I just want to be secure and have a few luxuries like holidays, I really am very low maintenance with clothes, going out, having new stuff etc)- I feel like he expects me to work for the next 20 years to support him. He is suffocating, telling me how beautiful I am, how he adores me, how I am the highlight of his life. He makes me feel petty that I want him to work to the point I am so pathetic I can't even express how strongly I feel about it (hence rant here) but this inner turmoil is eating me up. I want to give him an ultimatum but I am terrible at conflict even though this is destroying me. Worst thing is I know I have allowed this situation to happen and still I am too weak to do anything. Why can't I just say what I feel?
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