45 too old for new friends?

[grapefruitish]

That's it basically, is 45 too old to make new close friendships? I've had several big life changes over the years and have lost my close friends. I have long standing friends who are now distant and I guess acquaintances but I've realised I'm in the peripheral of their friendship circle and lockdown has made it too hard to keep in touch. When life gets a little bit more normal can I rectify this? How?

[Ragwort]

No it's not, my DM is 87 and still making new friends, I am over 60 and have made new friends. But you have to be proactive (not so easy in covid times), get out into the community, find things you like doing. My DM met her new friends via a yoga class and volunteering.

[swampytiggaa]

I started running at 45 and became a regular parkrunner. I now have loads of new friends and several very close friends from it.

Never too old!

[Anordinarymum]

It's funny how friends can suddenly not be friends any more when you split with your partner. They were never really friends anyway.

I suppose it's how you look at friend relationships. If you were really close to someone and confided in each other and that friendship ended, it can be almost like a bereavement simply because you invested so much of yourself in the relationship. Especially if it's not your fault, you have to ask yourself why and the answers are not always very nice.

A good friend does not judge you. They might tell you what they think if you are doing something they do not like, but good friends should be able to talk.

I have found good friends are like rocking horse shit

[Onceuponatimethen]

No absolutely not! I made lots of new friends in my 40s.

Do you work? Can often be a good way to meet people. Volunteering can too.

Do you have any interests eg in singing, learning a language, cookery class? Book group? Pilates?

Not every group is sociable but there’s a snowball effect where you sign up to lots of these things, a few months later you go for one coffee, then a few months after that it becomes several coffees and then ultimately you make a new set of friends.

[thalassoma]

I have turned 45 today so your thread title caught my attention.

I moved to a new area three years ago. I think that made it easier to put feelers out to see if people were interested in friendship.

I made some great new friends through a weekly volunteering thing. Also clicked with someone in my village who is also into dogs.

Most of the new friends I made are older, think thats a reflection that most people my age are focused on child-raising.

The people I met through the volunteering were also meeting people through meet up as well (book club, crafts etc.). Also drama groups.

Obviously all gone pear-shaped this year...

[thalassoma]

Also don't discount trying your existing friends again after all this Covid stuff ends, this lockdown is sucking the mental energy out of everyone, I'd like to meet up with friends but I can't summon the will to work out what is/isn't allowed on any particular week. So I stopped organising anything. Plus I'm too much of a wuss to meet outside in November.

[grapefruitish]

These reply's have made me feel better! I do realise the friendships I've lost were made on frivolous ground and couldn't stand the test of time. We didn't really have much in common, more trauma bonded through terrible divorces etc. I do have lots of interests, I think I need to make friends through these once covid let's up.

Happy birthday @thalassoma, I will meet up with my 'lite' friends once bumping into people is a thing again.

My partner works extremely long hours and my youngest is a toddler so neither of those help. I will have more free time next year for plenty of activities. I think I need to research what to do when things open up. I'm so glad to hear people have made friends past 40, I felt like the friendship groups might have closed, I guess people's situations are always changing.

[Isitreally77]

I lost a lot of friends when I split with my ex, I have a couple of friends I met when I was 20 who obviously stayed loyal to me. A lot of friends I met when I was with my ex gravitated towards him. I could say they obviously weren't my friends and only friends with me because of him. Not one of them has contacted me in the 3 years since we split.

I'm 43. I joined a gym this year and have made a brilliant friend, we now train together, go out for coffee, walks, moan about life, laugh about life. When I am down she picks me up, when she is down I pick her up. It's never too late to make new friends.

[swampytiggaa]

@grapefruitish my new friends are all ages from 18-70+ 🙂 a lot of the younger ones I’ve made through my new job where we all bonded through starting a new section from scratch in response to lockdown 🙂

Tbh I talk to anyone and everyone and see everyone as a potential friend 🙂 works for me!

[nosswith]

Of course not.

[MilerVino]

I'm late 40s and still making new friends. My parents moved in their late 50s and made new friends. Avoid the tight-knit cliques of people who know each other from living in the same area and growing up together for decades. Go for the people you have hobbies and interests in common with.

[Supereager]

God I hope not. I’m in my 50s and really need new friends

[Ragwort]

I don't think it matters if your DC is a toddler, we moved to a completely new area when I was pregnant, knew no one and my DH also worked long hours. I didn't work so just got involved in everything I could, even set up a baby and toddler group before my DC was born! I did a lot of volunteering, just took the baby with me - it gave me an opportunity to get out and about and meet new people people, of all ages. Obviously it is harder in COVID times.

[LunaNorth]

I don’t see how anyone could think otherwise. You don’t cross through some invisible barrier into ‘non-person’ after you reach a certain age. You’re literally the same person.

Youth is almost a fetish these days. I’m always reading stuff like this on here. Am I too old for a fringe? To wear this dress? To make friends? To start running? To change career? And on, and on...

You’re too old when you’re dead.

[LunaNorth]

God, my first sentence is the opposite of what I meant.

I don’t see how anyone could think so.

Fgs

[EndlessWaffle]

Those friends you have where you think you're on the periphery of their circle are to be nurtured. You like them, they like you. Make sure to reach out, stay in contact, share your troubles, listen to theirs, share anything funny that happens or build on mutual interests. If 2 of you both enjoy same thing, see about doing it regularly together. Eg weekly jog or walk, or class, or whatever it is.

I felt same as you a couple of years ago and it has come together. I'm really enjoying my new friendships

[99victoria]

I started up my own business at 45 and made lots of new friends. I've moved on since then to 2 other roles - I still regularly see a friend who was working in my business with me and friends from both my subsequent jobs. In fact one of the friends I met at my last job is now my best friend - we were mid 50s when we met and are now both retired.

I also joined a Jam group 4 years ago and have made lots of friends there. We haven't been able to meet to play for months now but we still zoom every 2 weeks.

It's obviously a bit tricky at the moment but I would say just join things, get involved and you will find people you get on with.

[WindblowingSW]

Lockdown showed me that the loads of friends I thought I had where I live weren't really friends but users. So it's a pleasure to be moving back to family.
Yes, I intend to make new friends there. etc

[NurseButtercup]

This lockdown has made me realise that I'm not LIVING. Prior to lockdown I realised my current circle of friends don't share my interests (I love them dearly). Roll on spring/summer 2021 and no more lockdown, because I'm going to be out and about making lots of new friends. I'm 47 so no it isn't too late!

[grapefruitish]

@Onceuponatimethen this was my plan, I signed for loads of things which are now online or cancelled. I'll carry on after lockdown.

@ragwort I had another baby late so it put me in a different position to my other mums of teens friends. Now I'm leaving the little stage I hope I can join in more again without my toddler. I didn't have anything in common with the local baby mums this time around. I hope I will more at the school gate.

@EndlessWaffle agree, I was making friends but it's covid that's halted them for now.

@99victoria I'm glad to hear you made a best friend in your 50's, there is hope for me!

[GreatBritishBachOff]

Absolutely not too late at all. I got divorced in my mid-40s and moved somewhere where I knew no one. Some friendships had gone south due to people not wanting to have to choose between me or ex and ended up choosing neither. I felt lost, alone and bloody miserable.

I joined the WI which was full of women of all ages who were supportive, funny and interesting. I started an evening class and 15 years on we are still together on an informal basis. We have been through good and terrible times together - weddings, grandchildren, big birthdays, deaths, break-ups etc. Some of us meet every week for a coffee and a chat and have become extremely close friends.

I also grew close to a mum of DDs school friend who phoned me when she heard I was divorcing to tell me I’d get through this time. We grew so close that we are now like sisters. So please don’t think it’s too late to make friends. It isn’t. COVID is a major stumbling block right now but as soon as things get back to some sort of normal look at what’s on in your area, see if there’s anything you fancy and take it from there.

I was far lonelier in my 20s and 30s than I am now (60s).

[Onceuponatimethen]

@Ragwort snap! Also an old time last baby here! Good luck - I’m sure you will make friends

[Onceuponatimethen]

Sorry that was to you op!!

[grapefruitish]

Thank you all so much for your positive stories, I'm feeling so much better and have more hope for the future - I really miss a good face to face natter!

[blindinglyobviouslight]

I've had to do this at 45. I won't lie, it is not easy. There are so many people already in established friendships and busy lives. You just have to keep on going, getting knockbacks, false hopes and keep going.

I have young children so makes it harder to get out though.