Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this worth fixing

9 replies

Saraalen123 · 21/11/2020 23:36

So ive decided to post as i dont know were to get some advice
My situation is that Husband and i keep having arguments over him lying. I told him he keeps breaking the boundaries of trust. Hes told me today after i asked if you need to move out as your lying never stops,he told me that he will make every effort to try solve this.

Hes been out all day and spoke to him last 8pm, still isnt home surely if he cared he would waste no time and start making effort, i believe hes expecting me to chase after him. Ive called him as i needed something from the shops and its now 11.00pm and hes not answering.

Is he even worth my time
Will he even bother fixing up.

OP posts:

Report

AuntieDolly · 21/11/2020 23:39

What does he lie about?

Report

Dery · 21/11/2020 23:42

It doesn’t sound promising if your DH is out late on a Saturday night without you and you don’t know where he is. If you’re in a lockdown area, there are presumably very few places where he can be.

Report

Saraalen123 · 21/11/2020 23:49

@AuntieDolly people his with, where he is. Very pety lies and its broken my trust. He said he will make effort but keeps turning back on me when i tell him ur making no effort. I believe he just doesn't want to be away from the kids but doesn't really care if hes building trust with me or not

OP posts:

Report

Saraalen123 · 21/11/2020 23:57

@Dery i guess im in for fake promises and fake effort

OP posts:

Report

SnoriSnorrison · 22/11/2020 04:10

No it is never worth trying to fix a relationship like this. A liar is awful to live with and will never stop lying, just become better at covering it and excusing it, possibly eventually becoming angry with you for finding the lie/ not going along with the lie.

When found out they can act very remorseful, say they want to make it better and be very convincing but as you said a truly remorseful person would make immediate steps towards that and put effort into rebuilding trust.

That isn't what has happened with your husband, instead he has repeatedly lied to you. Over things that don't really matter which shows the extent of his contempt for you, the truth and your right to know what is really going on in your life. It's reality destroying and you begin to second guess yourself all the time.

Now it seems he is trying to get you to worry about him and chase him or shift the anger to another smaller area (the shopping)? It's all designed to keep you off balance/ feeling sorry for him/ punish you etc

The best thing to do with a consistently lying husband is divorce him, you will feel awful but better for not having to wade through the fog to get at the truth - coming from someone who used to be you

Report

SnoriSnorrison · 22/11/2020 04:13

Sorry OP to clarify when I say he lies about things that don't matter I mean the petty things he lies about, I don't mean at all when he lies about who he's with and where he is - those are not petty things to lie about!

Report

Starfish5 · 22/11/2020 04:14

A liar won’t change as that behaviour is part of who he is, and as you are finding it erodes trust. Once that is gone the relationship dies a slow death and soon you will find any love or respect you had for him is gone too. Once a liar always a liar.

Report

Anordinarymum · 22/11/2020 04:17

@Saraalen123

How long have you been together OP? Do you have children and has he always done this ?

Report

Saraalen123 · 22/11/2020 11:44

@SnoriSnorrison @Anordinarymum thank you for your input on this matter im going to make another post of what has just happened keep a look out as i feel shit in myself and dont know what to do. I hadnt got responses and wasn't thinking right