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Stood up and humiliated by three year long male friend

(257 Posts)
Bitboredactually Sat 21-Nov-20 22:28:12

I’ve wanted a space to post about this for a while. I am not sure what to think about it or how I should react.

I am 40, divorced and a single mother. Through work I met a man (53) (will call him Y) while I was travelling 3 years ago who was also divorced. Nothing happened or even hinted at happening, but we got on very well, had a lot of things in common re: our line of business and kept in touch. He is based in The Hague.

Over the last three years we were talking most days. It was all “how’s your day been” type of chat. Never sexting or talking about anything sexual. But sharing experiences going on dates post divorce and laughing about it. I told him all about my abusive ex and complex childcare arrangements which he empathised with. Lots of work related stuff, what we’d heard on the grapevine. Over this time his father killed himself (I know this to be true as he is quite well known in our area of work and through the network I heard about it from others.) he relied on me a lot during this time over phone calls and whatsapp, almost every day.

After three years of talking and sharing the big stuff and the small stuff he asked me to run some errands for him in London as he had decided to move here. That included helping him find a flat, booking him a hotel, introducing him to people who might be helpful for work in our industry and generally preparing things for him as he got ready to come over.

I did everything he needed, including setting up intros, booking his hotel and two days of flat viewings with me pulling in favours from people I knew. He was in touch almost constantly for the month before he arrived, asking me to give him an itinerary of his stay, where will we go, what will we do? He said he wanted to know what my life was like in London, to go to all the places I go to.

In the last week before he arrived he said he would be also meeting someone else but that “she shouldn’t affect plans, just someone I am dating casually” I said okay - I had prepared myself that he would possibly disappoint me romantically and so was just looking forward to seeing someone I had felt so close to for three years and was happy for his girlfriend to tag along.

He arrived and texted me from the airport. Where are you? I was at work (like he knew I was as I had made clear when I was free and also arranged his itinerary. At the time, my ex was at my house having brought back DC4 from school. Unbeknownst to me, Y arrived at my house with his girlfriend (who it turned out was 23.) My ex was there and, before I knew it (I was at work remember) the three of them went out to lunch together. So my ex, Y and his 23 year old girlfriend, all out at lunch. I was still at work.

When I got back from work, I came in to find them all drunk at my house with my kids and nanny. It was a big deal for me as it was the first time I had seen Y for three years and also the second time I had met him in my life. It was very bizarre. Once I returned, they stayed for five mins and left.

About 2 mins after they left I got a text from Y saying “your ex isn’t THAT bad you know.” It felt awful as I had told Y so much about all the domestic violence and abuse and for him to say that really hit me hard.

The next evening, Y had asked me to organise a dinner out which included people he would like to be introduced to from our industry. I invited people I knew and who were important to me for work. I double and triple checked with Y that he would be there at 8pm. He confirmed several times, insisted he would be there on the dot, was going to bring his girlfriend but no problem. And guess what? He didn’t show. I felt humiliated and embarrassed.

Y sent a text the next morning saying he had seen everything he wanted to se and decided to go back to The Hague. I was gobsmacked and didn’t reply. We had a whole week planned and I had set things up.

He has now rented one of the flats I set up for him to see. He is still trying to be in frequent, daily contact with me. I am ignoring him.

I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?

OP’s posts: |
SunShinesStill Sat 21-Nov-20 22:32:01

No advice but that is such horrible behaviour. He has used you for his own emotional support completely. I would say to block him and have a good cry and a bottle of wine with a true friend. Sorry he has taken advantage of you

itswonkylampshade Sat 21-Nov-20 22:32:09

Wow. What an arsehole!

itswonkylampshade Sat 21-Nov-20 22:32:56

I’d also block and move on. You deserve a lot better than this user flowers

RunningFromInsanity Sat 21-Nov-20 22:34:31

Ignore ignore ignore.
He’s using you as a PA/dogsbody!

Pancakeorcrepe Sat 21-Nov-20 22:34:50

Omg! He is a total, total arsehole. Please don’t speak to him ever again.
You also need to look at your own boundaries, why were you doing all these things for him?

Takingontheundead Sat 21-Nov-20 22:35:08

Cut him lose. Do not let this abuser stay in your life. He likes your ex because he doesn't see the problem with men like that!

RandomMess Sat 21-Nov-20 22:35:19


What a user!!

longcoffeebreak Sat 21-Nov-20 22:36:16

Ouch that hurts doesn't it? How confusing. Is he alcoholic?

Windmillwhirl Sat 21-Nov-20 22:36:22

Appalling way to treat you after all you did to help him. He's incredibly rude, immature and entitled.

DeRigueurMortis Sat 21-Nov-20 22:36:40

* I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?*

Feel angry that he's blatantly used you.

Say nothing, block him and chalk it up to experience.

There's no point discussing anything with him - he knows he's a prick and doesn't care, he's just testing the waters to see what else he can get from you.

If you "rant" he'll twist it so you are in the wrong,

Bluntness100 Sat 21-Nov-20 22:37:51

That’s really bad, he’s just used you, you made yourself available for him and he just took what you were offering but it was never important to him. I’m sorry,

Just stay away, he’s a stranger, he has no emotional involvement with you. You’d met him once. Just stay away now. Don’t let him use you anymore. He clearly decided spending time with his girlfriend alone was more important.

Just let him go now op.

SentientAndCognisant Sat 21-Nov-20 22:38:20

He’s got a new gf and he’s on the infatuation stage. He does not want to be reminded of his vulnerabilities
You’ve been shuffled down the playList . His new gf is the main deal
He has been rude to DNA the dinner meet that you set up but you’re not his PA don’t stage manage his career

Henio Sat 21-Nov-20 22:39:42


Wow. What an arsehole!

That's exactly what I said out loud when I finished reading it

RednaxelasLunch Sat 21-Nov-20 22:40:31

He sounds like a psychopath.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 21-Nov-20 22:40:34

I would carry on ignoring him until you decide what you want to say. Romantic intentions or not, he's treated you very badly and not even as a friend would treat somebody. It sounds to me as if you were hoping for a spark and perhaps for something to develop as the relationship - from what you describe - sounds quite close. It clearly wasn't though, from his side.

The getting drunk wit your ex, going out to dinner with his girlfriend - and your ex - is just symptomatic of his lack of consideration and respect for you. I winced at all you'd done for him, you've been a great friend - and he's treated you like a de facto secretary.

If it were me, I'd cut my losses on this friendship, it wasn't equal and his manners are appalling; you wouldn't have behaved this way and it's not acceptable for him to treat you like this. You deserved better and he's no loss as a friend... but it doesn't feel like that at the moment, you feel humiliated and I would too.

He'll probably get the message if you carry on ignoring him but if you would prefer to bring it to an end, just a short text something along the lines of "I've done all I can to help you get set up now so I'll leave you to it". He deserves to be pulled up on his shocking disregard for your kindness and friendship but, texting's probably not the way to go for that.

Sorry, probably not a helpful post, but consider your feelings validated, I'd be hurt and disappointed too. confusedthanks

Diverseduvet Sat 21-Nov-20 22:42:33

It sounds like you really went out of your way for him with no reward. Put it down to experience and dont allow yourself to be in that situation again. The stuff about your ex is just plain odd.

Bluntness100 Sat 21-Nov-20 22:43:16

Also you say op you knew he would disappoint you romantically which indicates you had romantic feelings for him and were doing all this stuff for him because you wished something more, even if you didn’t think you’d get it

He was never of that feeling, he was into women in their twenties, and basically used you like his secretary, he didn’t even stay for more than a few mins when you got home. He expected you to be so desperate you’d drop everything to see him. Whilst he was going to flaunt his young girlfriend in front of you.

Don’t let people treat you this bad, don’t respond to him ever again, block him if you need to. There is nothing you can say or do here that can make this any better. Nothing,

BeesAnkles Sat 21-Nov-20 22:43:50

OP, you sound lovely. In the nicest possible way, it might be good to examine why you let yourself be used as his PA. What he asked of you isn't normal and he clearly felt you were someone he could take advantage of. One thing is being a nice person and doing favours but another is letting yourself be walked all over.

He's behaved awfully. I would have been especially hurt by that message about your ex.

Block and move on. There's no possible way he could explain away how terribly he's behaved so no point even being tortured by his messages.

96315id Sat 21-Nov-20 22:43:51

What a truly awful chap.

StephenBelafonte Sat 21-Nov-20 22:46:10

How did he know where you live?

Bluntness100 Sat 21-Nov-20 22:47:34

You’ve seen the real him now

Asking you to do his secretarial work
Bringing his 23 year old girlfriend to your home
Getting pissed with your ex and then leaving shortly after you get back
Texting that basically you over exaggerated about your ex
Didn’t even bother to turn up to the dinner he asked you to organise
Acted like it was irrelevant, wasn’t even intending staying here permanently.

As said this man was a stranger, you’d met him once. The second time showed you who he is. The real him. He’s an old drunken letch who isn’t remotely interested.

midsummabreak Sat 21-Nov-20 22:56:13

He is not who you though he was. He is a player. Ignore. See him for who he is and feel relieved. Feel very glad he found a 24 year old to give you an out from this one sided ‘friendship’.
The fact that he had you running around for him and found it so very easy to be utterly rude and selfish in return shows that this is his usual style.
As others on Mumsnet say- he is showing you who he is. Believe him and run.

GroundAlmonds Sat 21-Nov-20 22:58:16

Y is a wanker.

Block and move on.

thefourgp Sat 21-Nov-20 22:59:05

He used you. You went over and above what anyone would do for a friend and a true friend wouldn’t have asked you do so much or befriended someone they knew had hurt you so badly.

I’m sure it felt nice to feel needed (this is often a feeling/dynamic abused people crave without realising it) but your relationship sounds completely one sided.

Have you ever spoken to a professional about your lack of confidence in romantic relationships? You seem to have very low expectations of how others should treat you.

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