DH's relationship with the bath!!

[Dontcallmecrazy]

DH and I are in troubled water (pardon the pun!) and have been for just over a year. We're probably past the point of salvaging anything, but I'm just reflecting.
Since I've met him, every evening that he spends at home not out doing hobbies, he has a really long bath. Since DCs, they are in bed by 8pm and then DH sits in the bath until 9.30.pm.
I go to bed at around 9.50pm as I'm often up with DC2 during the night. It means that we have never really had much time together in the evenings and time to chat and plan our lives has been non-existent.
When I go to bed, he stays up late watching Netflix.
We're like passing ships.
I get he needs to relax, but it's not really ok to choose long baths over connecting with his wife every single evening is it?
We have sex once a month because we don't really get the opportunity.
Are there any men out there who actually make an effort to connect to partners in the evenings? He seems to think this existence is normal and goes on in most households with DCs?

[LouiseTrees]

With young children I would say that is fairly normally . But how young is the point, maybe the first couple of years.

[Bluntness100]

No it’s not normal to have baths for ninety mins every night and incant believe the first poster thinks it is.

He is avoiding you for some reason op. You need to find out why.

[MashedSweetSpud]

Does he take his phone or iPad in with him? Locks the door?

[NonsensicalHair]

No, it's not normal at all. What the hell is he doing for all that time? Have you actually spoken about this issue with him?

[Shoxfordian]

Of course it isn't normal

[pinkdragons]

90mins locked in the bathroom

[LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow]

turn off the hot water.

[Newuser991]

Doesn't he have to keep topping up the hot water.

Surely it would be cold after 90 mins.

Waste of gas and water and is he talking to anyone in there?

[MiddlesexGirl]

Nothing unusual in having 90 minute baths with phone or book.
But if the lack of shared time is an issue thats what you should be addressing. He could for example compromise by having the 90 minute bath after you've gone to bed.

[LAgeDeRaisin]

Definitely not normal.

We have an 8 month old and at 7pm when she goes to bed we have supper together and talk/watch tv/put some music on. We relax/recover from the trauma of parenthood together.

Sure there are times we both want some space, but it's not normal to not see your husband at all in the evenings.

[LAgeDeRaisin]

Also agree with PPs I'm a bit about what he's doing in there

[RandomMess]

DH would happily spend 90 minutes in the bath every day, he treads his book.

However when the DC were little he didn't and yes we spent evenings together!

[PersonaNonGarter]

The issue isn’t really the bath. The issue is he is literally locking you out.

Quite weird.

[dudsville]

I think what laragederaisin said makes sense, and also it's ok to take long baths. My OH takes the radio to listen to news or football and the papers. He's not locked in there with his phone in some dodgy way. He does it once or twice a week and the steam helps him shave his tough beard (he gets lots of cuts when he doesn't). Sometimes I visit and we chat about something. The point is you feel avoided and neglected, not that baths are seedy.

[ChalkDinosaur]

The bath is not the issue. Him deciding to spend every single evening away from you (locked in another room of your house!!) is weird, and not a sign of a healthy relationship.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

Put the DC in bed and run for the bathroom. Lock the door and take a long bath. (Plant a book and box of chocolates in there ahead of time so you will have something to do.) Tell him he can take his bath when you go to bed.

[Bagelsandbrie]

Well the obvious question is whether he’s messaging someone else when he’s having these long baths. Facebooking an old girlfriend (that’s how my ex left me, he didn’t even meet up with her until he left, I know because I sneaked the messages but they’d been emotionally involved for ages)...? Or something like that.

It sounds like he’s checked out of the relationship.

[Personofinterest1]

Gosh the hysteria here. Especially kudos to the poster implying he’s having an affair while in the bath 😂😂I have a bath for around 2 hours several evenings a week. I love the bath, I usually read or watch a few episode of my favourite tv show.

@Dontcallmecrazy the baths are not the issue. It’s how you go to bed once he is out and how he has one every eve he’s not doing a hobby. Implies he doesn’t want to spend time with you for whatever reason. It’s worth having a chat but the bath itself isn’t in my view weird. I can assure you I’m not trying to avoid my lovely DH or conduct an affair when I have mine.

[LAgeDeRaisin]

But it's about context. If he spent time with the OP at other times, the baths wouldn't be weird. People are suspicious because he spends no time with the OP but instead spends an hour and a half in the bath.

[Badwill]

Not normal at all. To be fair I find lounging in the bath a complete waste of time since I've had DC and would only use a bath on holiday or something, but that's just me. Even so if my husband pissed off for an hour and a half each evening I'd think he was going out of his way to avoid me.

[widespreadpanic]

He’s definitely avoiding you for some reason.

I have a friend who spends at least an hour in the bathroom every night. He’s not cheating he’s just avoiding his GF. He tries to stay in there long enough til she falls asleep or she’s so hurt/upset she will not bother with him.

[JamieLeeCurtains]

@LouiseTrees

With young children I would say that is fairly normally . But how young is the point, maybe the first couple of years.

Are you on spice?

[SleepingStandingUp]

@LouiseTrees

With young children I would say that is fairly normally . But how young is the point, maybe the first couple of years.

To have a long bath every night to fill the gap between the kids going down and the wife going to bed??

[NewHomeJitters]

Okay so this is normal for me, although not every night, I could easily spend this long in the bath with a book or my phone. I love long baths and will just top up the hot water if it starts to get cold I'm not doing anything weird or suspicious!

But I also spend time with my husband and I wouldn't prioritise a long bath every night over doing so. It's fine to like a long bath, but if it means never spending time with you, he needs to limit it to a couple of times maybe and make some time for you guys on the other nights!

[SleepingStandingUp]

@MiddlesexGirl

Nothing unusual in having 90 minute baths with phone or book.
But if the lack of shared time is an issue thats what you should be addressing. He could for example compromise by having the 90 minute bath after you've gone to bed.

Every night tho??