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Unsure if I was abused as a teenager, or if it was me *potentially triggering**

(31 Posts)
namechange19790 Sat 21-Nov-20 21:05:04

I'm so ashamed about my behaviour when I look to the past.
When I was 14, I met an older guy.
Within days, I lost my virginity to him. We didn't last long, and a friend of his asked to have a 'one off' with me..this sounds so stupid, but I did it so as not to hurt his feelings.
I went completely off the rails, and ended up regularly sleeping or performing sex acts to someone who was old enough to be my grandad (not linked to the other people)..I lied initialy to these people, and said that I was 15..however when I confessed my real age this carried on (although thy were shocked at first). I didn't particularly enjoy doing this, but I didn't like to say no (I know how that sounds now)
Someone I knew in passing offered my money to perform a sex act on him, which I'm ashamed to say I did, the much older man gave me small amounts of money at times (though it was never said that it was for what I was doing) I must have had such a reputation..I'm not sure if I was abused, or these men were taking advantage of that reputation.
It all seems like another life away..I would turn the clock back, there is so much that I would change

OP’s posts: |
BrutusMcDogface Sat 21-Nov-20 21:06:35

Of course you were abused. A nice, normal person would never have taken advantage of a vulnerable young teen like that. 💐

RamsayBoltonsConscience Sat 21-Nov-20 21:08:02

Im really sorry that this happened to you. I'm no expert but you were sexually exploited by these men and raped. You were 14 and they took advantage of you. This was not your fault.

something2say Sat 21-Nov-20 21:10:13

Yes it was abuse, I'm so sorry. I think this is why laws about age limits are in place, because youngsters just aren't able to make safe decisions about sex. These men took advantage of your naivety. Dont blame yourself, you were so young. How were you to say no? And they knew that.

OudRose Sat 21-Nov-20 21:11:09

You couldn't consent to anything that happened because you were too young. They took advantage and abused you. It wasn't your fault.

user113215532352 Sat 21-Nov-20 21:11:28

That's abuse.

Sally665 Sat 21-Nov-20 21:15:27

Well, I read your post and I feel absolutely disgusted. But none of that is directed at you. None. What happened to you was disturbing and you were abused. By older men, one who was at least thirty years older,? Those men should be locked up for a very long time. The age of consent is not there to stop everyone's fun, it's there to offer some legal protection from predators like those men.

You were vulnerable for a reason, you have some background at the time?, Some other things going on? .....You had sex with someone else to spare their feelings, you were abused, coerced, manipulated and were subjected to statutory rape. But this was something that happened to you. Not something you chose. I would ask that you look into counselling because you have nothing to be ashamed about. You were a victim. Xxx

user1481840227 Sat 21-Nov-20 21:17:52

This was abuse.
It was not your fault flowers

Screwcorona Sat 21-Nov-20 21:18:19

Its abuse and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. I've had things similar in the past and its taken a long time to shake these feelings. Try to fully accept it is part of your story but doesnt define you and move forward from it x

Hesfamousforit Sat 21-Nov-20 21:20:06

I understand your conflicted feelings because you went along with it but those men knew fine well that sex acts with a 14yr old is abuse and they were being criminal by allowing it at 15 or 14.

nocoolnamesleft Sat 21-Nov-20 21:22:39

It was abuse. Child sexual exploitation.

namechange19790 Sat 21-Nov-20 21:23:24

Thank you all for your kind messages..to be honest, for the best part of 10 years I continued be promiscuous (when single), though not for money though.
I did meet someone when I was 15 who was a couple of years older than me..we ended up together for 2 years, and although there was sex, we loved each other. I guess that would techinally be rape also, though it was competely different

OP’s posts: |
Notashandyta Sat 21-Nov-20 21:29:38

What was your early childhood like?

Suffering emotional abuse or neglect can leave you ripe for abusers in later childhood. You were a child.

You didn't deserve this.

Windmillwhirl Sat 21-Nov-20 21:33:11

You poor love, you have carried this for long enough. I'm glad you felt able to share here and realise it absolutely was abuse.

Where were your parents/carers during all this ? Did you feel loved by them? Perhaps the sex with these men made you feel wanted.

I'm so sorry this happened to you x

namechange19790 Sat 21-Nov-20 21:37:56

My childhood was ok, and I felt loved most of the time. There times where I didn't get on with my mum and step dad too well, but I think that might not be uncommon smile
I just seemed to go completely off the rails after meeting the first guy..was hardly any trouble before that

OP’s posts: |
Likeariverthat Sat 21-Nov-20 21:38:59

Oh OP flowers You are not AT ALL responsible for what happened to you when you were a teenager. NONE of it is your fault.

When I read your title I thought your post was going to be something about not being sure if you were abused or if it was potentially some sort of false memory or something. Not that you were considering yourself to maybe be to blame for it!

Have you had support to help you deal with what happened to you, either professionally or from friends or family? If a friend or family member was to open up to me about something like this I would feel nothing but sympathy, admiration and love towards them. No one in their right mind would judge you or hold you responsible.

If you would like to you can contact Rape Crisis and speak with someone, it doesn't matter that it is historical rather than recent. It's not surprising that you are still feeling affected by all of this so I would really recommend talking therapy if you have not had any yet, to help you process and reframe what happened. All the best to you.

namechange19790 Sun 22-Nov-20 12:30:39

Thank you ❤ there were rumours flying round at school, but I dont think i have told the whole story to anyone
I'll probably get flamed for this, and it does see. really weird now I'm thinking about it, but im still friends with the 'one off' man (although it ended up happening a few times along with sexual favours, and him taking offence when I told him I wanted to stop doing this, telling me it was best I didn't go round anymore)
Somehow we got past that, and would regularly meet up pre-covid for a drink and chat. what happened between us is never spoken about.
I have a really good relationship with my step sad now, as opposed to growing up
it seems strange reading this back with regards to how things have worked out..I think I will take the suggestions of therapy to work through things

OP’s posts: |
Cam2020 Sun 22-Nov-20 12:36:16

Absolutely absue and disgusting behaviour for grown men. You were young and vulnerable and they took advantage of that.

Cam2020 Sun 22-Nov-20 12:39:10

The trouble is, once something has happened one time, it's easy for people to to label themselves and act that out becasue that's what they believe what they are and what they're worth.

namechange19790 Sun 22-Nov-20 17:14:17

there is truth in that..it was a way of life for a while, and it was very easy for a man to get involved with me..thank you all for helping me to realise that it wasn't my fault

OP’s posts: |
Dery Sun 22-Nov-20 18:01:16

Not at all your fault. You were abused and raped. You were vulnerable and these men committed crimes against you. They had no business touching you at all. As a PP said, this is why the age of consent in this country is 16. That means the responsibility is entirely with them even if you appeared to consent. Legally you were unable to consent to sex with them. I think 16 is the right age. In Germany and Italy, it’s 14. Your case illustrates why that is too young. In response to concerns about child protection, Spain has recently raised its age of consent from 13 to 16.

Bleughbleughbleugh12 Sun 22-Nov-20 18:15:11

My teen years were exactly the same. It haunts me.

mbosnz Sun 22-Nov-20 19:15:33

Oh you poor wee lass. Yes, you were abused, or to use an old fashioned phrase - taken gross advantage of. And same for you, Belughbleughbleugh12.

None of this speaks about you as people, but it says plenty about them.

namechange19790 Sun 22-Nov-20 22:54:52

Bleughbleughbleugh12, I'm sorry that this happened to you, I hope you are ok

thank you posters xx

OP’s posts: |
DramaAlpaca Sun 22-Nov-20 23:02:00

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you both @namechange19790 and @Bleughbleughbleugh12 flowers

Neither of you were to blame. You were abused, exploited and taken advantage of by awful men.

It was not your fault.

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