Does your fella do stuff for you?

[WTF99]

So I've been seeing someone for 3 years now. We are mature and independent...each with own home, financially independent, own friends and family with some overlap but not living in each others pockets. We see each other 4 nights a week and stay over, either at mine or his. It's easy as no dependent children and we live 10 minute drive from each other.
Generally it works well but there's an ongoing bugbear that he seems to think that I'm intent on taking advantage of him, specifically around things I need help with in the house. So...moving heavy stuff that I can't do on my own for example, or more recently some flat pack furniture I've recently bought that takes 2 to assemble. Tonight he's had a massive hissy fit about that....I'm taking advantage of him in asking for his help and no amount of ironing or cooking I might do in return will be enough to make up the balance.
I'm at a loss really. I've had lots of work done in my house this last year and have paid for it all, not expecting or asking anything from him. Hes used to living alone and being independent but ive gradually made progress in getting him to accept my input and help with things in his home.
But there's always this feeling that if I ask him for anything then I'm taking advantage....and taking the piss basically.
I just feel that this is the kind thing people help each other out with when they're in a relationship. I do have other friends I could ask to help me build a flat pack....but he'd probably be in a strop if I did.....and I'm pretty sure they'd be wondering why he wasnt helping me.
So what should I do? Just stop asking him? It all feels so petty and ridiculous. I'd help him with anything but I'm made to feel like a user when I ask for his help with anything

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

It sounds like he’s being very petty. I thought partners did help each other out the same as if anyone needed a hand building something or needing help moving something heavy. I quite often ask my husband for a hand in doing something in the house or with our baby. I assumed it was the norm!
Are you happy in tour relationship? I hope you’re ok x

[WTF99]

I assumed it was the norm too. I've been in other long term relationships where it has been...but not this one. I'm beginning to doubt what is normal to be honest.
Thanks for your response

[BadTimesAtTheElRoyale]

Well he sounds like a prize! I have been single for so long and can knock up a flat pack alone but if I had a partner I would hope to be able to ask for help without a childish strop. When you say that no amount of ironing or cooking you do could repay him, do you iron and cook for him everytime you are at his and just not yours? If so he is the user not you.
Hes used to living alone and being independent but ive gradually made progress in getting him to accept my input and help with things in his home this is the only thing that raised my heckle slightly. Do you think he feels that his house is his domain and yours is yours. I mean you should deal with yours and he with his. It doesn't sound like he really wanted your influence in his house and may feel slightly forced to accept help and you asking him to help feels to him as though you are making him more a part of the household than he wishes. It could be a commitment thing.

[JoeNotExotic]

Hmmm - he sounds quite unhelpful and a little selfish.

My guy does little things for me and whilst his skills at diy are basic he just built our wardrobes without complaint. Mine is a decent cook too, cleaning not so much but nobody is perfect.

[WTF99]

Bad I think you're spot on there. Commitment is an issue for him. I'm cool with that....no intention of marrying again....Ive walked that road and I'm done..but ffs if you're the man in my life is it too much to ask that you would help me build a flatpack??

[BadTimesAtTheElRoyale]

WTF no it is not too much to ask. I would ask my best mate to help. You have answered your own question really. I sense he wants all the perks of a partner (not having to look for sex) but none of the actual day to day partner stuff. Sorry to say but he isn't that into a grown up relationship from what you have said. He treats you like a convenient partner without the work being a real partner requires.

[WTF99]

And yes....the domains thing.....I've never done domains before.....I don't know how that works if you're in a relationship. Can anyone explain?

[WTF99]

Bad....I think you may be right

[BadTimesAtTheElRoyale]

Domains. He views his house as his domain only he isn't willing to share it. So all choices there are his and his alone. He doesn't want you moving things or rearranging anything he already has in place. Be that furniture or routines. He expects you to feel the same. Anything you do in his that goes against the grain may feel like an infringement. He is also scared of commitment so you asking him to help may make him feel that you are making him invest in your home by building a piece of furniture. I know it sounds mad.

[WTF99]

No it doesn't....makes absolute sense. Do you know him??!
What do I do?

[BadTimesAtTheElRoyale]

Sorry 😭 I didn't mean to be so blunt. I just read it as an impartial observer. I would give the same advice to a friend. I really hope you are ok

[WTF99]

It's fine. I know it all really but when you're immersed it's hard to make sense of. Thanks for your bluntness
Domains dont make for very satisfying relationships.....not for me anyway.
I guess that's where tbe decision lies....

[Chocaholic9]

He sounds selfish. I've known people exactly like this, they are takers. Happy to take whatever they can from you, but when they give to you, no amount of giving back from you will ever make up for it. It's a personality flaw and you have to decide if you can live with it because it's unlikely to change IME.

[Cheesypea]

How do you see this relationship developing in another 3 years?

[BadTimesAtTheElRoyale]

No I don't know him (I don't think) but I know people like him. You make a choice if you are happy to continue like this for the rest of your life because he won't or can't change.
Or you put an online dating profile with the headline "come and sort out my flat pack" 😂 I am sorry to say it sounds like this relationship is going nowhere. You deserve a guy with a massive toolbox who knows how to use it!

[WTF99]

Bad you have made me lol

If I told him he was selfish he'd be outraged.....he thinks hes a hero!

[WTF99]

I'm going to bed now.
Thanks for the insights......I feel slightly less like a selfish bitch who just wants a man for his flatpack skills

[BadTimesAtTheElRoyale]

Glad I made you laugh. Could be a while new datinf thing. Meet people via flat pack hell. A market that needs exploring
. Whatever you decide I hope you will be happy

[WTF99]

I think there's a niche there! Thanks for your comments.....insightful and helpful

[TheClitterati]

Oh My, please stop with the ironing. I hope you're only cooking when he's at yours and he cooks when you're at his etc - ie it's shared and it's not a you cook because you're the woman situation. That would be a real downer.

He does sound like a bit of a misery and selfish. I agree he's a taker. Imagine resenting helping your partner out with something they need help with? If that's not the point of being in a relationship what is?

[TerribleCustomerCervix]

Sorry OP, but he sounds very very weird. Like actually bonkers.

You seem like a nice person who wants to help the people you care about. Why do you not deserve the same?

[Chocaholic9]

@TerribleCustomerCervix

Sorry OP, but he sounds very very weird. Like actually bonkers.

You seem like a nice person who wants to help the people you care about. Why do you not deserve the same?

I also find it a very weird trait in a man, mostly because the men I've known LOVE helping their woman with "manly" tasks like DIY etc. I think it makes them feel useful.

[WhiteVixen]

I do have other friends I could ask to help me build a flat pack....but he'd probably be in a strop if I did

So he doesn’t want to help you but wouldn’t want anyone else to help either?

Nah, sorry. Back in the sea with this one. What a selfish misery.

[Ritascornershop]

Sounds horribly like my exhusband. He resented everything. Exhausting and weird behaviour and it made me very independent and also rather misanthropic- my motto is “no one would pee on me if I was on fire”. IMO you should get out before you become as sad and jaded as I am.

[CircleofWillis]

I'm on the fence here. If you are renovating your house has there been a LOT of flat pack furniture?

I know I would be pissed off if I was expected to build something every time I visited a friend.

But - stop with the ironing FFS. I also hope you are taking turns with the cooking.