Is my husband overly critical or am I lazy?

[orangesky1]

Gosh I feel like I can't see the wood from the trees and could do with an objective perspective.

We have a 10 month old baby. I went back to work at 6 months for financial reasons. I work full time in a demanding professional role. My husband works 4 days and has one day at home with the baby.

He is thriving. He finishes work every day at 4pm so has time to go to the gym most days. I don't finish until around 6 and also do nursery runs as its near to my work. Im not jealous, that's how our jobs are, but he is constantly criticizing me. For not exercising, for not reading anything intellectual, for not taking care of myself.

I'm drained. Practically I don't have time to go to the gym due to work/nursery hours. I like to run and swim outside but with the daylight hours as they are I can't do this in the week. He says I do have time and I am not that busy I just don't manage my time properly.

I just feel like he niggles at every little thing. I've started doing work in the evenings claiming its urgent as I can't face spending time with him. I want to slob on the sofa watching something trashy but know he will judge. I know this is lazy, am I being self indulgent? I feel like he is too critical, I'm in reasonable shape, I've got a demanding job and a small-ish baby, isn't that enough?

[FippertyGibbett]

Kick him out, change the locks and claim the sofa 🍻🥂🍾

[WellyBootsAreYouFrom]

Can you change nursery to one closer to him? It could make sense to have your DH do nursery runs since he works fewer hours, and you'd save a bit of money too perhaps?

[orangesky1]

@WellyBootsAreYouFrom good suggestion! But his job is not in a fixed location so easier to have near to my work which is office based- plus he starts too early to do drop offs so it's much better for me in the mornings to have it close to my office

[QforCucumber]

Change to a nursery nearer home so you're both responsible for pickup and drop off.

[rosegoldivy]

Can you tell him that you are going to the gym/running on your work lunch?
Then you can slob out guilt free and he would be none the wiser?

[orangesky1]

@rosegoldivy this is genius! Yes. I don't really have time as I always have calls/meetings. He insists that I'm making it up and that I'm actually not that busy. But yes, this would perhaps get him off my back a bit! Great idea!

[jabice]

Wow, he sounds like a right dick (if I'm allowed to say that?).

There isn't any time with a little baby anyway, let alone when you are working full time. Yes, I guess you could do all the things he's expecting of you, but you'd be fucking exhausted. He is getting 2 hours of free time alone every night by the sounds of it, so no wonder he feels like he's living the dream. He has no idea what it's like to have zero time to yourself and to be constantly on the go.

I haven't got any advice, but I would be pissed off too. It's a shame there isn't a way to turn the tables so he gets to see what it's really like for you.

[muddledmidget]

How far would he have to travel to do pick ups twice a week so you can have 2 evenings each to go to the gym? Even if he has to travel 30 mins there and 30 mins home, he's still going to be home an hour before you finish work. And do watch trash on the TV in the evening, if he makes a sarky comment just describe it as downtime.

[Littlemissnutcracker]

I wouldn't put up with this at all. He is wearing your confidence down.

[Oly4]

God he sounds like an absolute dick. You are in that awful demanding phase of life.. of course exercise is on the back burner.
Tell him you’ll go to the gym and “look after yourself” every Saturday afternoon while he has the baby.
I’d be furious if I were you

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

I couldn’t be with someone like this. You shouldn’t have to feel bad or justify chilling out in the evening! This is not a way to live. I hope you find a solution

[SandysMam]

What an absolute dick!!! You sound like superwoman Op!! Tell him to STFU and if he persists, then in all seriousness consider whether this is someone you want to be with.

[Awrite]

I would not tolerate being judged by the person who was supposed to love me most. Not a fucking chance.

[user1592512579]

Yes I think he's being overly critical. He gets to commute with no child and go to the gym after work alone.

I wasnt doing a whole lot more than holding down my job and keeping everyone fed, watered, with clean clothes when my baby was 10 months old.

[orangesky1]

Thanks @jabice and @muddledmidget

I appreciate the responses. It's good to know it's not unusually lazy to want to just chill and watch some trash..

He is super into self improvement but I just don't feel I can be improving myself all the time, sometimes I want to just be! He makes me feel like I'm just complacent.

[Dragongirl10]

Tell him in no uncertain terms to butt out...he is not your boss, or does he think he is in charge of you?

You are absolutely entitled to be as lazy as you like when you come home from work as long as your son is cared for which he is.

Snap right back EVERY time he says this, fiercely and see him back off.

[Porkchops22]

Absolutely don't tell him you're going to the gym on your lunch break.
If you want to slob on the sofa after working all day, and no doubt taking care of the baby in the evenings, then that's your right.
Tell him to fuck off.

[nancybotwinbloom]

He is thriving. He finishes work every day at 4pm so has time to go to the gym most days. I don't finish until around 6 and also do nursery runs as its near to my work. Im not jealous, that's how our jobs are, but he is constantly criticizing me. For not exercising, for not reading anything intellectual, for not taking care of myself.

He's ungrateful for how much you do. He needs 50% of this to free up your Tim or he needs to wind his neck in.

[pog100]

@rosegoldivy

Can you tell him that you are going to the gym/running on your work lunch?
Then you can slob out guilt free and he would be none the wiser?

For God's sake why should she start lying to him about a perfectly reasonable need for some down time. He sounds bloody horrible and anything but a supportive partner. You need to stand up for yourself in a big way and if he kicks back, consider your options.

[russetred]

Yikes - you shouldn't have to feel like you need to lie to him to justify being yourself. He sounds a complete prick. Even if you didn't have a full-time job and a small child, you're entitled to do whatever the hell you want with your time.

[Whoknowswhenlockdownwillend]

This is the one person who should support you, boost your confidence, give you love and encouragement. He sounds awful and is deliberately eroding away your confidence.

He needs to work on improving his compassion, understanding and empathy, never mind self improvement. Your baby is still very young. I’m not surprised you’re shattered.

[Martinisarebetterdirty]

If he finishes at 4 it’s presumably unlikely that he doesn’t have time in 2 hrs to do pick up?
He needs to do it twice a week so you can have some free time.
Only go to the gym if you want to - tell him to fuck off and stop judging you.

[rookiemere]

OP you sound like you're doing a marvellous job, seriously working f/f with a 10 month old is more than enough to do.
I remember DH once tried to give me a row when DS was young for reading the Daily Mail ( maybe I deserved it) but I absolutely ripped him a new one when I explained that after working and looking after DS, that's all the energy I had left for - a few gossipy stories and nothing more.

Seems like your DH might have a bit too much spare time and could use his time after work to be making dinner and doing the laundry.

[widespreadpanic]

he’s definitely an pure prick. He souldnt make you feel guilty for shit, he’s not your boss. You earned every right to be lazy plus I hate those types that feel as if they are better cause they are doing X, Y, and Z and you’re not. So annoying.

[Sunshinegirl82]

OP your husband sounds like a bit of a dick. Is he normally a dick or have you only really noticed it since your DC was born?

I have an 18 month old and a 4.5 year old, I work a 4 day week in a professional client facing role. DH also works a 4 day week but his work is basically stress free with completely fixed hours. We both have a day at home with the kids (I send the odd email/ do the odd call on my day "off"). It's really bloody tough and most of the time I'm living on my last nerve.

I drop the kids off with the childminder on the three days we use childcare, DH picks up. I am currently sitting on the sofa watching modern family and eating the chocolate Orange that DH picked me up from the co-op whilst DH tries to persuade DS1 to go to sleep.

You are completely normal, Personally I think you need to bit of a rethink about the balance of responsibility in your relationship, seems to me you are doing all the heavy listing as things stand and your DH doesn't even seem to appreciate it.