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Dealing with a narcissist? Come over here for some support.

(137 Posts)
fluffynotebook Fri 20-Nov-20 14:53:51

I just wanted to make this thread as a bit of help and support for anyone who’s dealing with a narcissist.
I’ve just come out of a covert narcissist friendship and struggle to find any support groups so leaving this here for anyone who feels they need it.

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Yabbadaddado Fri 20-Nov-20 16:02:36

I’d like to join please. Just come out of a relationship with one. It’s completely wrecked my confidence and I’m mentally just broken from it all. I’m slowly starting to realise there’s something wrong with them; not me.

fluffynotebook Fri 20-Nov-20 16:31:44

Hey good to have you on. And sorry to hear that. It's awful isn't it. I think going through this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And I've also realised that they make out you've done something wrong as a form of control, so you don't 'step out of line', which is completely absurd as it's all then and not you.
They are children in adult bodies having a tantrum.

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sophmum31 Fri 20-Nov-20 16:42:49

I’ll join too! I’m in the process of divorcing mine. It’s like a roller coaster ride (with mostly downs!). All I’m trying to do is leave a relationship I’m not happy in yet and being bullied, controlled, spied on, and been made out to be the unreasonable one.

I’m constantly nervous and anxious. I have a constant feeling of butterflies and sickness in my stomach because of the anticipation of the next visit, rant, phone call and action.

My family are very frustrated and keep telling me just to stand up to him and stop letting him treat me like this but it’s like trying to deal with a slippery snake, it doesn’t matter how much I stand up to him or fight back he turns it all around. Every problem I solve, he finds another one.

I’m a bit further along than you ladies I think as I KNOW it’s not because of me! I do have confidence that I can have an amazing and happy life once I can get shot of him. We don’t deserve it and are better off without them!

Yabbadaddado Fri 20-Nov-20 17:03:38

Fluffy notebook - great name by the way. Children in adult bodies - absolutely 100% spot on! What an accurate description 🙂

Sophmum31 I completely relate with the nervous anxious flighty feeling. Hope you’re able to get some rest and eat etc. Sorry to hear your family doesn’t get it - most people don’t as they are very manipulative on the outside 😞

Well done for realising this, it’s over halfway there I think. I didn’t realise until he did something that sparked a breakup then as I looked back at everything else it slowly dawned on me and I felt like such a fool! Most of it it realising what they are and the last bit is escaping. Mine is still trying to get at me through mutual friends and aquaintances and it’s making me so cross!

fluffynotebook Fri 20-Nov-20 17:04:05

Hey, thanks for joining! What a horrible time you're having. I get that horrible sick feeling because of the school run but must be tough dealing with someone you're divorcing.
You're absolutely right. It's all them. I keep trying to tell myself that they once mirrored us in the beginning to hook us in so we'd feel the connection, they mirror who we are because we all have something they will never have and spend a life making other people feel horrible to make them feel good. No standing up to them as they don't think like normal human beings.

OP’s posts: |
Yabbadaddado Fri 20-Nov-20 17:06:28

Yes agree on the mirroring. Also I love you within a couple of weeks / you’re my soulmate / never met anyone like you / I’ve been waiting for you my whole life / I’ve never felt this way etc etc etc

Then eventually trying to grind down my self worth through insults and belittling.

Yabbadaddado Fri 20-Nov-20 17:07:33

Oh and the slightest perceived criticism was a bit no no, cue aggression, anger and ignoring for days on end. Well rid!

ShagMeRiggins Fri 20-Nov-20 17:09:35

It seems as though this thread is about leaving a narcissist and bashing a narcissist rather than dealing with one (in the sense of, for example, dealing with bipolar disorder).

Is that accurate? It’s fine if it is—it’s your thread, after all—but could I ask a genuine question; how many of the narcissists being discussed have been diagnosed as such?

Wish you all well.

OhioOhioOhio Fri 20-Nov-20 17:11:11

I've realised today that I've experienced closure from him, it's the judgement from everyone else I struggle with.

fluffynotebook Fri 20-Nov-20 17:44:54

I don't think narcissists can be diagnosed because in their eyes they aren't doing anything wrong. They feel as though they are entitled to special treatment and we should provide it 24/7, and if we don't we're seen as the bad guys.

I've heard of couples who have gone to relationship counselling to sort through problems and the narcissist will blame everything on their husband/wife. Meanwhile, the victim is suffering post traumatic stress disorder. It's a twisted world they live in!

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fluffynotebook Fri 20-Nov-20 17:55:24

So true about the soul mate/you're amazing/never met anyone like you.

Then after a bit it's the mind games, silent treatment, ignoring you etc. Mine constantly playing the victim and me being me helping her as much as I could, but it was never good enough, it was all take, take, take.

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ShagMeRiggins Fri 20-Nov-20 18:42:10

I don't think narcissists can be diagnosed because in their eyes they aren't doing anything wrong.

They don’t have to agree with the professional dials is. But it is a personality disorder and I—generally—object to diagnoses from unqualified people.

They might be right—they often are—but there’s too much of this medical/psychological diagnosis floating about, especially since the advent of Dr Google, and my concern is that it is inaccurate and does a disservice to anyone who is suffering, whether that is the person diagnosed vs those who self-diagnose, or perhaps the person who is labelled with a personality disorder (not necessarily psychotic) who is then vilified.

I’m urging caution.

MonaLisaPiles Fri 20-Nov-20 18:58:56

@ShagMeRiggins
Bit of a thread hijack
Unlike some other personality disorders narcs ruin other people’s lives more than their own and as such those of us who’ve been devastated by them perhaps might not feel like kid gloving their evil head antics

RoseMartha Fri 20-Nov-20 19:52:00

Please can i join. Now divorced but he is still controlling . I feel so stuck in a rut. That I an unlikely to get out of until dc are 18

fluffynotebook Fri 20-Nov-20 21:56:19

Of course you can join. I hope we can be of some support to one another.

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LargeProsecco Fri 20-Nov-20 22:06:29

Me too!

My ex definitely has narcissistic traits & has had years of therapy but is a nasty fucker despite this.

Had enough of the controlling behaviour, manipulation, gaslighting, lies, infidelity, selfishness, projecting - just generally toxic.

fluffynotebook Fri 20-Nov-20 22:32:05

Welcome to the thread! I hope it can help. Or at least be a place you can vent. They are such nasty people aren't they. I'm still shocked that people like that walk this earth.

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OhioOhioOhio Sat 21-Nov-20 12:21:10

How do you cope with how other people perceive your situation? I find the judgement crushing.

thecatsarecrazy Sat 21-Nov-20 16:15:54

I've met a narcissist. We met online in August. I posted about him. We have only met in person once. I was advised to block him but he has a lot of details about me and I don't think it would be that easy.
He love bombed me. I feel like a fool now but at the time I enjoyed the attention. Constantly phoning me was a sign it wasn't normal. On my birthday he text a whole paragraph about how he was so happy, didn't want to lose me etc. A few weeks later he said he loved me. He's 9 years Younger than me but would make out like when I said the first album I bought was an oasis one, he said that's my favourite album..
Present buying but only things that would benefit him.
The nice words dried up and I just get a few short words, sex talk rather than any kind words. He sends pictures and expects a response to every one.

LemonPeonies Sat 21-Nov-20 17:02:53

I'm divorcing mine, were together 11 years. No children together thank god. He's delayed the process as much as possible of course but I've taken it to court for the final stages and financial settlement etc as we own a house together. He's trying every tactic to buy me out at 20% because he feels entitled to more than a 50% share. Even got his solicitor to try emotional manipulation by emailing my solicitor to say how disappointed and upset he was to learn I don't want to try mediation with him 🙄. I know some may judge me for this but I already have an absolutely beautiful baby boy with someone who is quite the opposite of him. So there is hope of a very different future for us all without the narcissist ❤

ButterFlyGirl19961 Sat 21-Nov-20 17:27:54

I tried to split up with partner due to narcissistic/mentally abusive ways but clearly he wont leave neither can i apparently. I put a post on before about this, and everyone made it clear to leave him it just isnt easy. Im so exhausted by it all. Whenever i go out or to work i dread coming home to the mood or silent treatment like im doing something wrong. Or when i visit my one friend he tells me 'i should know better from last time'. How they can make you feel worthless when the attention isnt on them. Its weird how they can be they can be friendly and nice to someone theyve just met but to you its a whole different personality... just exhausting

GreenlandTheMovie Sat 21-Nov-20 19:26:25

ShagMeRiggins They might be right—they often are—but there’s too much of this medical/psychological diagnosis floating about, especially since the advent of Dr Google, and my concern is that it is inaccurate and does a disservice to anyone who is suffering, whether that is the person diagnosed vs those who self-diagnose, or perhaps the person who is labelled with a personality disorder (not necessarily psychotic) who is then vilified.

I think you're right to urge caution. Theres no point in calling every misbehaving man a narcissist.

Narcissism is of course one element of psychopathy. I'm not a psychologist and I can't diagnose but I do have to have a working knowledge of DSM V for my work and am highly qualified! So I would also urge caution in that most psychopaths, the vast majority, are undiagnosed and never likely to be diagnosed.

Many people are dealing with narcissists/psychopaths in their daily lives and the problems they cause, and its good that knowledge of these personality disorders is increasing, because it can protect people and allow them to recover.

ShagMeRiggins Sat 21-Nov-20 19:46:30

Many people are dealing with narcissists/psychopaths in their daily lives and the problems they cause, and its good that knowledge of these personality disorders is increasing, because it can protect people and allow them to recover.

I agree. And though I’ve been accused of hijacking the thread (with a single, enquiring post hmm) I’ll simply say that I misunderstood the title and had since bowed out, so as not to hijack.

Caution with diagnoses is a good thing, and it should go without saying but I hope everyone who has been harmed recovers. The world is wonderful, but can be awful.

Pebbledashery Sat 21-Nov-20 20:04:37

Urgh just seeing that word narcissist reminds me of my ex and unfortunately the father of my DD. He's taking me through the Family Court for access to DD. He's a violent and deranged bully. The judge ordered interim contact.. Going against what cafcass said saying they can't endorse interim contact on the basis of so many safeguarding risks. Tomorrow is the first time in 6 months DD is seeing him.. He's not going to be present at handover but I feel utterly sick thinking of seeing his face. This man nearly destroyed me.. Had it not been for DD he would have pushed me to the bring of suicide. Now the disgusting parasite is claiming to be the victim. I hate him so much.

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