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You used to put out.

(31 Posts)
Shutupyoutart Fri 20-Nov-20 11:15:22

Heya I don't usually post about my marriage but this has really got to me and I don't want to talk to anyone in rl about it.so for context me and dh do take the piss out of each other in a jokey way we've always done that. He's also quite romantic at times buys me flowers just because ect he hasn't done anything like that for a while
I said in a jokey way about he used to buy me flowers and he said clearly joking you used to put out!I laughed it off but it's act really got to me. Our sex life is a bit shit at the mo I'm never in the mood (we have 4 kids one with sn and I also have pnd) I know this bothers him. Im now wondering if he used to do these little things to get sex and now he knows I don't "put out"much that he thinks I'm not worth bothering for. There are a few things not great in our relationship atm but we've been getting on better last few days and this has just made me feel really hurt. I don't know if that was a dickish thing to say or if I'm being over sensitive.what do you ye think?thanks for reading this far.

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RandomMess Fri 20-Nov-20 11:54:28

I think you need to tell him how you feel. Also that whilst you are struggling him not showing you love and affection is only going to decrease your interest in sex.

Could he be helping out more with the DC and around the house or is he expecting you to carry on as you did when you only had one/two children?

Aquamarine1029 Fri 20-Nov-20 11:58:58

I said in a jokey way about he used to buy me flowers and he said clearly joking you used to put out!

I don't think either one of you were joking. Time for some conversations with your husband about how you're both feeling.

Shutupyoutart Fri 20-Nov-20 12:33:39

Thank you both for your replies. He does help around the house quite a bit tbf but most of the childcare stuff falls to me. I often feel pretty touched out by the end of the day and sex is the absolute last thing on my mind. The youngest is still breastfeeding and doesn't sleep well at night. any time I try to talk to him about how I feel be goes silent and seems to take it like I'm having a go at him.i wrote him a letter once as thought it would be better and be could read it and take it all in and talk About it when he was ready.he was surly and moody for days after that. so I tend to just not say anything but I'm holding on to a lot of resentment which isn't good for either of us.he obviously is too.he often makes comments or jokes about the lack of sex and all it does he put me off even more.

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RandomMess Fri 20-Nov-20 13:04:41

Sounds like you should book some marriage counselling as it's really not in that if you try and talk to him then he goes on to treat you like that sadangry

I would even tell him that if he wants your sex life back then things need to be talked about openly and honestly as clearly neither of you are that happy...

Isthisnothing Fri 20-Nov-20 14:05:43

No I think he doesn't know how to bring it up with you that he's unhappy with the lack of sex so he clumsily blurted it out like that. You need to talk. And listen.

Shutupyoutart Fri 20-Nov-20 14:39:03

Isthisnothing I think you are right. He isn't a big talker esp about his feelings and I know he wants things to improve in that department but don't feel like he sees it from my side and if I try to explain he takes it as a dig.i will try to get him talking tonight again.

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Shutupyoutart Fri 20-Nov-20 14:45:23

I have considered marriage counseling random for some of the other issues but can't see him opening up to a counsellor but we'll see il mention it to him and see what he says. Thanks a mill

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Skyla2005 Sat 21-Nov-20 04:28:44

I think women can easily forget how important sex is to a man. It’s like eating and sleeping to a man. We are busy and tired with the kids and can go without but they can’t and it can build resentment. It’s good this has happened cause you can start talking and maybe reach a compromise somewhere along the way. It’s all about communication before things build up into a problem

Lamppostcat Sat 21-Nov-20 05:45:16

Skyla2005

I think women can easily forget how important sex is to a man. It’s like eating and sleeping to a man. We are busy and tired with the kids and can go without but they can’t and it can build resentment. It’s good this has happened cause you can start talking and maybe reach a compromise somewhere along the way. It’s all about communication before things build up into a problem

I think many men can easily forget how important romance is to many women . It’s like eating and sleeping . Without romance and feeling attractive to her partner many women simply cannot be sexually interested . A man who only does chores or makes any romantic gestures in a attempt to have sex is a massive turn off
Many men after they get comfortable stop ‘noticing their partners , they stop contributing to household chores , stop any compliments and sometimes turn to porn . Then they have the audacity to complain that the wife isn’t ‘putting out ‘
As a mother of four who also experienced pnd I can totally understand how your husbands attitude would make you feel bad OP . I’m not sure how many of those things her does but it sounds like he only does things and sees sex as his ‘reward’ for making any type of contribution to the relationship . This is certainly not ok and I don’t know why anyone would think it was
Is it possible to discuss expectations with him and even possiblly counselling

Shutupyoutart Sat 21-Nov-20 08:17:29

Lamp post cat I think you have hit the nail on the head!I think he does see sex as a reward. You are also right that he has got comfortable it's like he doesn't have to try anymore. I'm guilty of this too I suppose since haven't been making sex a priority and maybe not realizing how much it bothers him. It just feels like a chore God that sounds so awful and makes me sad because I do love him and we used to have a great sex life.im just so worn out every day,our son is very challenging and I feel like I'm taking on most of the emotional load by myself. my mental health isn't the best atm and I just need patience and love from him not sly digs about sex all it does is dry me up even more! But then on the flip side he prob feels unloved by me.urgh I don't know every time I try and talk about these things he clams up or goes moody and silent for days. (He's prone to being very moody anyway )I still haven't had a chance to try and have a talk we were watching a movie together last night. he initiated sex and then the baby woke up and he went and sat on the other couch and fell asleep so I took her to bed with me.its stuff like this that makes me feel like shit.

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Shutupyoutart Sat 21-Nov-20 08:20:50

Also to add he does do his share around the house when he's here not expecting anything. the kids come to for everything.and I mean everything! Unless I say ask daddy ect

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TiggerDatter Sat 21-Nov-20 08:39:12

You both have so much on your plates OP. Counselling would help but is there any chance of you getting some time away together so you can communicate properly without interruption and without being so tired?

Anothernick Sat 21-Nov-20 09:18:03

TiggerDatter

You both have so much on your plates OP. Counselling would help but is there any chance of you getting some time away together so you can communicate properly without interruption and without being so tired?

Yes. You need to find some time and space for just the two of you. Difficult with young DC I know but you will be glad you did. Get a babysitter, ask the grandparents etc to have them just for a few hours, or if possible overnight, so you can get away.

When ours were young we agreed we should try not to go longer than a week without sex - this being a lot less than we had before they were born. And as soon they were old enough to be left with a sitter or relative we used to go to a hotel for a night every few months just to reconnect, which in truth meant reconnecting sexually as well as emotionally. Looking back on things now several decades later I think these decisions were crucially important in keeping us sane and together through the tough child-rearing years.

Dery Sun 22-Nov-20 08:14:42

Why doesn’t he share in the actual parenting? You have 4 children. He should be helping parent them not just doing housework.

BubblyBarbara Sun 22-Nov-20 09:48:14

Im now wondering if he used to do these little things to get sex and now he knows I don't "put out"much that he thinks I'm not worth bothering for.

Well of course he did. It’s the implicit social contract within a romantic relationship. It’s not like people have sex to be romanced or engage in romance to trigger sex as if it’s some sort of push button transaction, but why else would people romance each other if not to enjoy the full range of a romantic sexual relationship?

Lamppostcat Sun 22-Nov-20 10:32:42

BubblyBarbara

*Im now wondering if he used to do these little things to get sex and now he knows I don't "put out"much that he thinks I'm not worth bothering for.*

Well of course he did. It’s the implicit social contract within a romantic relationship. It’s not like people have sex to be romanced or engage in romance to trigger sex as if it’s some sort of push button transaction, but why else would people romance each other if not to enjoy the full range of a romantic sexual relationship?

Romance should not be used as a way to ‘get sex’ . Romance is a way of connecting and showing love . Sex is the icing on the cake
But hey ... this is bubblybubaras response so no surprises there . The more I read from bubblybarbara the more o am reminded that women can be mysogynists too smile

THisbackwithavengeance Sun 22-Nov-20 11:13:31

Of course the DH wants more sex.

And I'm sure the OP would like more sex as well if she wasn't completely knackered.

If the poor diddums DH wants more sex he needs to work out how to make life a bit easier for his DW so she actually feels up for it. I hate men's expectation of sex like it's another job that women have to do up there with the childcare, full time work and housework.

A suggestion OP: when my kids were small we used to book a city break style hotel and go away once every couple of months for a night, leaving the kids with grandparents. It's hard to feel sexy at home when your kids don't sleep, the house is a tip and you've got a million and one things on your to do list. Only works if you've got willing babysitters obviously. Doesn't have to be expensive.

Shutupyoutart Sun 22-Nov-20 11:18:57

Thanks for your thoughts. Interesting to see different views on this. Dery he does, but his way of parenting is very different to mine i feel he doesn't pick his battles and is always on their case (the older 2 anyway) which also causes arguments between us. Im a sahm so i do do the guts of the parenting. i just wish he would take the initiative to do things with them then me having to ask. And sometimes when he shuts himself in the kitchen to cook the dinner or wash up and I'm still left looking after all the kids after being there on my own all day with them so still not getting a break. Id prefer to go do the dinner and have a half an hour alone. I think a lot of our problems are because im so touched out and need space to myself and hes craving touch. Also the fact that instead of communicating to me what he needs /wants he goes silent and i end up leaving it but the resentment stays. I realise he's not coming across well in this post but he is a good man and i love him very much i just want to feel like were on the same page and feel like we miss each other by miles at times.

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Shutupyoutart Sun 22-Nov-20 11:24:34

I dont think sex should be a transactional thing that's the point. And its not even about romance its about feeling loved and appreciated i dont feel those things so i dont feel like sex. I dont anyway but i think that is alot to do with the medication affecting my libido and we have a lot of stress. Our ds has sn and is a challenging (and amazing) kid. So its tough and also makes if difficult to get babysitters but i think you are all right and we need to figure out a way to have some alone time to reconnect. Thanks a mill for your advice.

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DianaT1969 Sun 22-Nov-20 11:30:40

Can you start to change things OP? It sounds as if having a 4th child has extended the period you have felt 'touched out' for a long time. Is the baby close to weaning? Can you start moving towards the younger children bring at nursery/childminder and you get back into the workplace and have more time with adults? Take a couple hours out of your day for yourself, to exercise, meet (adult) friends for a coffee. Basically, how can you carve out daily child-free time for yourself?

Shutupyoutart Sun 22-Nov-20 11:56:16

Heya. Youngest is 15 months she doesnt need to be feeding anymore as she eats everything we eat its more a comfort at this stage. Im going to have to go cold turkey with it i think like i did with the others. Our ds has started pre school in the mornings which has been good for both him and me i have thought about putting dd3 in nursery and going back to work for one day or even some voluntary work or something. I do feel a bit lost a lot of the time dont get me wrong i love being a mum my kids are my world but i feel a bit like my identity has been lost aswell.

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DianaT1969 Sun 22-Nov-20 13:42:57

Absolutely. You are bound to feel you have lost your identity a bit. Gosh yes, go cold turkey on the breastfeeding from this week. You need to reclaim your body and space a bit. I hope that you can find some interesting work where you can socialise a bit. Not easy during Covid, but the end is in sight. 👍

Shutupyoutart Sun 22-Nov-20 19:36:29

Thanks diana im trying to stay positive. Weaning begins next week hoping when little one starts sleeping better itl make a lot of difference to both my sanity and my sex life.

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VivaMiltonKeynes Sun 22-Nov-20 19:40:43

Shutupyoutart

Heya. Youngest is 15 months she doesnt need to be feeding anymore as she eats everything we eat its more a comfort at this stage. Im going to have to go cold turkey with it i think like i did with the others. Our ds has started pre school in the mornings which has been good for both him and me i have thought about putting dd3 in nursery and going back to work for one day or even some voluntary work or something. I do feel a bit lost a lot of the time dont get me wrong i love being a mum my kids are my world but i feel a bit like my identity has been lost aswell.

i love being a mum my kids are my world but i feel a bit like my identity has been lost aswell

The first bit - that is the problem often. Women do become too swamped and wrapped up in their kids to the detriment of their partner. I realise this isn't a popular view but it is something that has to be worked at . Four kids - you certainly have your work cut out .Good luck !

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