OK, so we're separating, what do I need to do/know?

(11 Posts)
mutantninja Thu 19-Nov-20 15:12:58

Not so 'D' H and I have been married over 10 years, we have a nine year old DS. DH cheated in a really awful way 5 years ago and we stayed together, worked through it etc. I've recently found out he's cheated again. Twat. So, I am done, should have been first time but more fool me. He won't leave, we jointly own the house. In reality there's not many options as to where he could go, other than his dad, who is in his eighties. He thinks that we can work things out. I disagree. Fuck. What do I do? I am gathering details all our joint finances. Going to try to sit down with him tonight and convince him we need to make a plan to separate. And it's almost sodding Christmas and we can't go anywhere because of sodding lockdown. FML.

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overworked88 Thu 19-Nov-20 15:22:01

Not sure how much help I can be with the financial side of things, my ex husband and I didn't own together thankfully. But I couldn't read and run. I hope you're doing okay? We separated for the same reasons back in 2015, best thing I ever did was walk away. Do you have friends and family as a support network? Xx

mutantninja Thu 19-Nov-20 15:27:18

Thank you for being kind. I'm a mess but I have lots of lovely friends who will support me, once I can face telling them. They've already supported me so much! I don't know how to talk to my DS, once we get around to that part. He will be devastated.

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WhatsAParlay Thu 19-Nov-20 15:47:42

I've been in your shoes OP and I'm so sorry, you must be feeling terrible. Ex did move out in my case, to live with OW, but didn't want to divorce - wanted to keep his options open - but I made it clear that there was no way he was coming back a second time. I just took matters into my own hands, went to the solicitor got his advice and started the process.

In terms of timing, there's never a good time is there. It's either Christmas, exams. a planned holiday, whatever. You will get through it.

I'm out the other side now and although it was horrible to go through, I am so very glad I did. My life has been transformed and my DS is happy, doing well academically and is well-adjusted. My advice is to grit your teeth and get on with the divorce. Name the PW if he won't admit it (but make sure you gather proof before he deletes everything).

Good luck OP. If you start now you should free of the twat by early summer next year.

user18435677565533 Thu 19-Nov-20 15:51:37

Solicitor. Start divorce proceedings. Separate your lives even if neither moving out.

"Work things out" ... ie he thinks you should just put up and shut up.

Glad you're not going along with that. I'm sorry he's hurt you again.

mutantninja Thu 19-Nov-20 16:01:02

I have plenty of proof, so there's no issue there. He's sleeping in the spare room and largely avoiding me. It's not a healthy environment though. How did you tell your DS WhatsA?

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mutantninja Thu 19-Nov-20 16:02:13


Solicitor. Start divorce proceedings. Separate your lives even if neither moving out.

"Work things out" ... ie he thinks you should just put up and shut up.

Glad you're not going along with that. I'm sorry he's hurt you again.

Quite. Carry on with the nice elements of his life while treating me like a total mug. Fuck that.

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Enough4me Thu 19-Nov-20 16:07:58

Sign up with a solicitor who follows a non-confrontational and fees stated clearly in advance approach (you don't want to be in this for years losing money to court).

Look at this site for an over view www.wikivorce.com/divorce/

Plan in stages to keep things moving.

What is your situation: can you afford the mortgage, who normally helps with school runs/holidays etc?

mutantninja Thu 19-Nov-20 16:13:04

I could afford the mortgage but I couldn't afford to buy him out of half the equity. We both work, DH does drop off and pick up (after school club) but I could maybe shift my arrangements to work from home. By next summer DS will be doing it himself anyway. Holidays are always a mix of solutions, so that wouldn't be any different.

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movingonup20 Thu 19-Nov-20 16:23:00

Firstly try to keep it amicable, the only people who win when its adversarial are solicitors! Sit down, say you have to separate but you want to do it in a way to protect your dc.

We lived together (separate rooms) for 7 months after separating which meant we could set aside money for the additional rent, protect the kids and have a firm financial arrangement. 2 years on we are good friends and have new partners.

Try to keep the anger out of it, hard as it is because you are likely to achieve a better long term outcome, the bigger picture.

Take care

mutantninja Thu 19-Nov-20 16:56:14

Thanks moving what did you tell your DC was happening when you were still living together?

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