Close relative is in abusive marriage

[Meh2020]

I will try to keep this succinct but really I am looking for advice on what I and another close relative can do to help our close relative who is in a domestic abuse marriage (financial, physical and emotional abuse).

Is there anything we can do to support her in leaving? The abuse has gone on for years, there are children involved and we are both completely worried for her.

She was offered a place in a refuge in 2017 but for whatever reason she chose not to take it.

We are worried sick about her, the abuse seems to have got worse this year, and we don’t know what to do for the best. Neither of us live near her but could get to her if she wanted to leave. However we don’t know if he checks her phone etc

It’s awful and is truly no life for her or her children.

Can anyone share experiences of being in a similar situation and how you helped or if you left an abusive marriage what was the final straw for you?

[Meh2020]

Shamelessly bumping just in case anyone can offer anything - thanks

[purplepoppet92]

My advice would be to keep offering support. It takes on average 20times of offered support/checking in, before people suffering DV can admit the problem or accept help. Remember the psychological damage would have started long before the physical.

Can you offer her financial support? He may also have threatened to harm you or other family if she leaves, which may be stopping her. Whatever you do, don't stop reaching out x

[Dery]

@purplepoppet92’s advice is great.

There is a book written for people who are supporting a loved one who’s in an abusive relationship.

www.amazon.co.uk/Helping-Her-Get-Free-Families/dp/1580051677?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Alys20]

If someone close had just said to me, come and stay with us and you'll be safe, we'll get your life back on track, I would've left.

Don't know if that's safe for you to tell her or if you can find a way to do it safely x

[Meh2020]

Thanks all. Will def get the book.

It’s such a complicated situation. I would say this to her but other close relatives think it’s best to let her reach her own decision.

Her husband is manipulative; she has been close to leaving twice before and each time he has a breakdown (I’m not convinced), he plays mind games, hides her things like car keys, has full financial control, and doesn’t parent their children at all.

However since lockdown we also think he has started to become violent - not just emotional abuse.

This man is a police officer.

[Meh2020]

We really do not know what to do for the best. She has lost all of her friends. She’s isolated. It’s really hard and so sad to see.