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So he had an affair now what?

(82 Posts)
Ifeellostandhurt01 Thu 19-Nov-20 08:51:45

I have just signed up and this is my first post because well I feel lost and not sure what to do.

For background:

I have no family other than husband and kids. I’m the main breadwinner. Kids are still at school 11 and 13.

We have been together 30 years and married for most of those. He had his own business and I have a job well I have a few jobs! I will try to explain. God I hope it makes sense.

For most of our relationship every time issues with husbands business he would be miserable and it would be quite miserable at home for us both and then for the kids, short tempered, grumpy etc but despite many conversations, he did not do anything to change how he reacted to what would be considered normal business events. I would try to find solutions to help and support him each time which was on average every time an employee left. As he runs a restaurant that was fairly frequent.

I have carried the mental load for the whole of our relationship and did lions share of kids, all life admin, birthdays etc plus his business admin and my own job.

When we had kids I asked him to find better ways to deal with issues with his business but nothing changed.

He has always been thoughtless when it came to birthdays/anniversaries- I guess my expectations were too high I always thought at least twice a year he could think about me when I took care of everything else the other 363 days.

The last 2 years have been the worst and he wanted to shut his business but financially we couldn’t afford this I convinced him to keep going for another 18 months and I started a consultancy service which was profitable from the start as well as retaining my full time role aim being I build up my business to replace his income. Every day he would ask how much I had made so I asked him to stop as I felt under a lot of pressure. He continued to be short fused, being around him was hard work; all suggestions to improve his situation was met with reasons why it wouldn’t work. I have to admit I started to get less patient in fact I was quite short with him on many occasions and blunt as it was so frustrating.

Around 6 months before the 18 month deadline we decided to pull the plug on his business but in order to do that I had to take on an extra job. Instead of being pleased about shutting it down he was very upset I was supportive but I was also now juggling a lot of work so he could shut down his business and take time out from working. He told me he didn’t think I was supportive enough I told him I was upset especially for him but I also had all these responsibilities.

During the last 12 months (so both before and after shutting his business down) he stopped hanging out with us as a family and would disappear to the bedroom as soon as meal was done so I did all the bedtime etc.

He kept talking with and about a particular employee (now former), he invited her to our home for a meal as a thank you for her support and he asked me to cook something nice. He would organise to meet her and took her for lunch for her birthday. I got dinner with the kids at the local as we were watching our spending both for my birthday and our anniversary. During the time his business shut down I took care of all the admin related to it. In my own business I was a finalist for an award and I spent the evening by myself there was no celebration or any sign from him that he was proud of me or happy for me. I hit a few other milestones none of which he celebrated he was still upset about his business.

About a month ago I got suspicious and tried to check up on a few things then tricked him into admitting that he was having an inappropriate relationship with his former employee.

Apparently she was easy to talk to and supportive and things went from there. So some type of emotional affair for 12 months at least and then some kissing and sexting more recently once he shut down the business which was exciting apparently. I was and still am devastated. I’ve kinda buried myself in work and asked him to move out of the bedroom.

Since then he has become thoughtful and considerate. Got anxiety medication seeing a counsellor and wants to save our marriage. But I feel nothing. I cry a lot in private I’ve spoken to 2 friends who don’t know him but that’s about it. I’m planning to see a counsellor myself.

He wants to move back into the bedroom. Discovery was approximately 4 weeks ago.

I honestly don’t know what I want or what to do. I don’t feel anything when I look at him. Life kinda continues as normal.

So thank you if you got this far. I would love any advice or thoughts on my situation and happy to answer any questions. I have changed a few minor details as he knows I’m on this site, been a lurker for a while never thought I would need to post.

Thanks.

OP’s posts: |
BaronessWrongCrowd Thu 19-Nov-20 09:01:19

Oh OP. What a horrible situation for you. I would recommend visiting the forums on Surviving Infidelity.com there is a wealth of support and information from others who have been in the same boat.

thanks

frozendaisy Thu 19-Nov-20 09:08:23

Have you read this back to yourself?
Pretend it isn't you.

What exactly is he for now?

It sounds like you would be happier, healthier and wealthier without him.

You are his gravy train he's being nice because he doesn't want to lose that.

You deserve better.

angstinabaggyjumper Thu 19-Nov-20 09:09:45

I think you know you'd be better off without him.

june2007 Thu 19-Nov-20 09:12:05

TBH you don,t sound like you like him and it sounds like the affair was because of the probs in your relationship, not relationship pronbs becausde of the affair. You have a choice, choose to work on your marriage and address the problems you mentioned or move on.

ReneeRol Thu 19-Nov-20 09:12:27

He brought her into your home and made a mockery of you with her. They both got a kick out of that. That's so much disrespect and contempt for you, it shows exactly what he thinks of you.

He doesn't have much to offer you. He's a disrespectful, cheating loser. Bet his mistress wouldn't want him if you dropped him into her lap.

readingismycardio Thu 19-Nov-20 09:12:42

OP, you are a strong, intelligent, independent woman. You are financially secure through your OWN work and more than able to support your children on your own. Meanwhile, this arshehole was financially supported BY YOU and cheated on you while you were working your ass off AND dealing with his crappy attitude.

There's NOTHING keeping you in this relationship. Please, kick him out, for the sake of your children.

NTKnow Thu 19-Nov-20 09:17:02

He made you cook a meal for his side piece. OP, this alone should make you kick him to the curb! He made a fool of you and took advantage of your loyalty. WTF?! Poor, unsupportive men do the absolute most.
You can decide to stay with him but he will do worse!

IdblowJonSnow Thu 19-Nov-20 09:22:22

Oh god OP, it's over isn't it? Even before I got to the affair part I was think what a miserable, selfish man he is.
You get nothing from him. Zilch. Just drain, dread and now infidelity. There is likely more to come out I'm afraid re the physical stuff. I promise I don't say this to hurt you. But there usually is.
I know you feel awful right now but it won't last.
You sound absolutely lovely (and calm and dignified). He has behaved appallingly.
Hope you're ok, my immediate advice would be to tell a friend in real life.

hesaidshesaidwhat Thu 19-Nov-20 09:22:58

OP your post is very sad to read please put yourself and your children first. 'He's become thoughtful and considerate', I bet he has - he's thinking of himself and knows if he doesn't you will definitely end it all. Given what you have written personally I would ask him to leave, even if it's for a while so you can have some time to think things through.

notapizzaeater Thu 19-Nov-20 09:29:38

Of course he's become thoughtful and considerate,,he's realised what he's going to loose. You dont need this drain on your life.

Ifeellostandhurt01 Thu 19-Nov-20 09:32:03

Hi not sure how to replay individually. To the person who said I don’t like him. Honestly it’s been hard and particularly the last 2 years as all I saw was constant whinging but not doing anything to help himself. So that in itself is an issue and the affair is potentially the nail in the coffin.

Thank you to all have you who have responded it does confirm some of my thoughts when I allow myself to think. Then there are the times I look at the kids and doing things together and I become confused again.

I am a grafter and to be fair to him he has always had a strong work ethic but I’m so tired, tired of doing all the thinking and organising and making things happen.

I’m angry at him but I haven’t yet got angry. I have contempt for them both for putting me in a situation where I cooked for her. She means nothing to me it is all on him. Apparently he “didn’t think” story of my life with him so far! And now I have to make a big decision I never thought I would have to make that either way has ramifications.

OP’s posts: |
ravenmum Thu 19-Nov-20 09:40:25

Sounds a lot like my experience, OP.
To be honest, for me, looking back and thinking about why I was so upset, in my case I don't think it was because I "lost" my exh at all. It was more a mixture of my own fears and guilt about my character and whose "fault" it was, why he thought it was OK to treat me like that, etc, and also my fear about change - having to start a new life.
I wonder from your description if it might be a bit similar for you?
In my case the counselling was a huge help with feelings going back decades. Make sure that the counsellor feels a good fit, and if you are not keen with the first one, see if you can change, as that's really important.

I didn't want to stay with my exh and for me it was a good decision. Having said that, years later I see that we could potentially have stayed together - but that would only have worked out if I had still done the counselling and made the changes in my life I did when we separated - and become a generally happier person who no longer puts up with being treated like a domestic servant.

I wonder if you'd also be happier if you broke up entirely. I've since had a couple of live-out relationships which have been a lot of fun and given me some of the things I'd missed over the years. I've done more independently and made new friends. I haven't felt lonely, even though I have no family in this country and my kids are a bit older and have moved out. It's certanly worth considering, not as a "failed marriage" but as a choice with a lot of potential.

HollowTalk Thu 19-Nov-20 09:41:20

He's disgusting. Making you cook for his girlfriend? Not supporting you? Constantly asking how much money you've made?

Get rid of this useless horrible man.

ravenmum Thu 19-Nov-20 09:43:33

Mine also invited one of his affairs to a meal at our house. He invited the last one, too, but she said no. From his emails he made it clear that it was all about the excitement of me not knowing who she was.
Mine denied as much as he could, until finally I read his emails and they'd been sleeping together for months and months. I would doubt that your dh never slept with her tbh.

FannysSteadiedBuffs Thu 19-Nov-20 09:45:15

Get legal advice. Then you know where you stand - and it might explain why he's being so nice to you if he thinks his gravy train is about to stop.

He's been leaching off you for years. Imagine how much easier your life would be without him dragging you down.

RUOKHon Thu 19-Nov-20 09:45:23

What’s the point of him? Your life would be much improved if he wasn’t around. You don’t need him for anything, do you even want him? If so, why?

wizzywig Thu 19-Nov-20 09:50:30

He sounds horrendous and him bringing her into your home was, I think, a way of saying "you think you're all that, I'll show you". It's disrespectful to you. He seems to be the kind of person who needs to be looked up to and fawned over, to be thought of as the strong successful one. This could be why he is rejecting your reasonable suggestions. Regardless, he sounds a moody pain in the arse, you are a strong successful person.

Sevensilverrings Thu 19-Nov-20 09:51:52

Do you love him? Unless you truly see a way you could actually be happy together, ask him to go. An affair is bloody hard work to come back from, and you need to have good reasons. Honestly, in your summary I don’t see any. He will play at being sorry and maybe he is, but he can’t change what happened, and he sounds such hard work, and such a joy sucker.
You and the kids would probably be happier without him after (probably a brief) period of time. Can you not see a future with someone else, who meets you on your terms, values and respects you, and pulls their own weight?
It sounds like he stopped seeing you ages ago, and maybe you stopped seeing him, but now you are both seeing each other. His reaction is to panic and see what you mean to his life, yours is to feel nothing. Just for that, you should leave. Honestly you deserve so much more.

Sevensilverrings Thu 19-Nov-20 09:52:27

(And the bringing her home thing is completely unforgivable)

LilyLongJohn Thu 19-Nov-20 09:54:08

Don't move him back into the bedroom, tbh I'd move him out of the house completely! What exactly is he bringing to you, and your dcs lives?

Ifeellostandhurt01 Thu 19-Nov-20 09:58:18

So sorry ravensmum that he did that to you. From my husband’s perspective it was that he just didn’t think he just wanted to thank her for helping. My years of helping apparently don’t require the same consideration. I also think there is some truth in what you say. I think we have been drifting because I had enough of the whinging and not willing to change approach whilst carrying most of the mental load and responsibilities.

I have had to be the grown up about a number of things including managing our finances and I think over there years I have lost respect for him. Could I have been more supportive possibly. I’m always told I’m a very resilient person. Even now you wouldn’t know to see me that I am going through a crisis.

Thank you everyone you are giving me a lot to think about. I appreciate you all taking the time.

OP’s posts: |
Anydreamwilldo12 Thu 19-Nov-20 10:02:16

Dear God, what an absolute twat. You're obviously a strong determined lady. He brings nothing to your life except stress and heartache. I would be telling him to leave.

ravenmum Thu 19-Nov-20 10:15:24

My children were 3 years older than your two at the time, which does make a bit of difference, but still: things were a lot more relaxed after he moved out. They still saw their dad regularly (tbh more than during his affair, as he was coming home after they had gone to bed). We arranged it so that they lived with me for 4 years, then with their dad for another 4.

My ex kept going on about how his OW had moved country, giving up her life in the other country, and how impressive that was, how much he admired her. I remember listening to that with bemusement, as it was exactly what I did too, but he'd never said it was impressive! It's those rose-tinted glasses and all those little kittens in baskets and unicorns that confuse them, poor creatures.

Mumsnet has a bad rep for not giving the poor Bs a chance, and mercilessly advising their wives to L them. I won't tell you to LTB, though - just that doing so is not the end of the world, if that's what you are considering. Far from it; it can be a very positive new beginning.

justilou1 Thu 19-Nov-20 10:23:52

He is an absolute parasite! Your life would be so much better without him!!!

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