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Is this acceptable behaviour?

(13 Posts)
ColumbiaAGroupie Thu 19-Nov-20 07:27:23

I'm just looking for another perspective really, I think I know the answer but would just like to hear other's thoughts on this.

I have been with my partner for nearly 11 years and it is far from a perfect relationship. We have a 6 year old daughter who has significant special needs, so life can be tough at times.

My partner does work really hard but has never really taken into account how much I do too. I think he thinks because I have been a SAHM for the majority of the time that what I do isn't hard work.

He expects me to do everything with my daughter and gets annoyed if I ask for his help with anything. We are currenttly toilet training her and he gets visibly irritated if I ask him if he can take her to the toilet. Its the same with with getting her ready for bed in the eveing - if I do everything like make her dinner, wash her school uniform, bath her, dry her hair, put her in her pjs, read a story etc he will get annoyed if I ask if he can brish her teeth.
He's also been very tight with his money, I have never seen a penny of it, in fact I was the one who payed for her Nursey ( with her DLA and my carer's allowance) I'm the one who buys her clothes, again with her money as I don't have an income. He never reads to her, he does lov e her but gets very frustrated with her too and me too. Everything is a battle with him, if I ask anything of him his response is "oh for fuck sake". Am I expecting to much, is this normal or acceotable behaviour?

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ColumbiaAGroupie Thu 19-Nov-20 07:30:20

Really sorry about all the typo's

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mdh2020 Thu 19-Nov-20 07:32:04

As you say, you know the answer. Every couple works out their own way to share parenting. At the moment you aren’t happy with the way it has worked out in your household and you need to sit down with your partner and explain this to him. Just because you are a SAHM, it doesn’t mean you should be expected to do everything for your daughter and he should be giving you some ‘housekeeping’ money/ allowance.

AlexaShutUp Thu 19-Nov-20 07:35:02

No, OP, it isn't acceptable. Caring for a child with significant special needs can be very hard work, and you need some respite. He should be pulling his weight.

The money situation sounds like financial abuse.

I'm so It sounds tough.

FippertyGibbett Thu 19-Nov-20 07:38:51

No it’s not.
You don’t even have the financial security of marriage.
Do you own your home ? If so, is your name on the deeds ?
Do you have a joint account ?
Do you have a supportive family who help you ?

Mistystar99 Thu 19-Nov-20 07:40:00

It sounds like he really resents your DD's existence and growing to resent yours too. That is no way to live. Do you have any supportive family around you? Would you rather live with them and get some help?

ColumbiaAGroupie Thu 19-Nov-20 07:45:38

Thanks for your responses. Just to answer a few questions @FippertyGibbett no I don't own my own home, we rent. Also no joint account, I've never seen anything from him and don't even really know how much he earns or what in his account. Luckily I do have a supportive family and am very close to my mum.

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Quartz2208 Thu 19-Nov-20 07:54:55

what does he bring to any of this - its isnt time/money or love

Why arent you leaving and going to your mum who will help

ColumbiaAGroupie Thu 19-Nov-20 08:15:22


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ColumbiaAGroupie Thu 19-Nov-20 08:16:00

Sorry posted too soon. I was going to say I really don't know why

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willowmelangell Thu 19-Nov-20 08:22:23

If you said dd is outgrowing clothes quicker than you can afford to buy them, what would he say? Would he huff and puff but hand money over or say 'how much do you need?' or make excuses.
You do need to say something, anything, to get the conversation going.

ColumbiaAGroupie Thu 19-Nov-20 08:42:30

He would never just hand me over money, that's just not something he does.

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Quartz2208 Thu 19-Nov-20 12:25:24

Then in what sense is he actually a partner to you. This is so far from acceptable behaviour.

I would make plans to leave and then make him at least financially contribute. THis is no way for your or your daughter to live

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