Please weigh in - my life

[Winterbluebear]

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, we are both 30 years old. We have a beautiful 16 month old daughter together, 2 dogs and a house. We aren’t engaged but I’ve asked about it and he said it won’t be long. Despite him being my best friend, we have always had a lot of issues right from the start. I ignored them because I was lonely. We don’t connect on a deep level and never have. He doesn’t care about the little things about me. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be that close to someone. We don’t just talk about nothing, it’s just small talk. He works away in a fly in fly out job (we live in Australia) so he’s gone pretty often. I don’t mind at all though, I’ve come to enjoy my time with just me and my daughter. He’s a fantastic provider and is good to us in that department. On the other hand he is lazy at home, seems totally uninterested in doing much or in me, he’s moody and short tempered. He is selfish and admits it. He won’t want to do anything that doesn’t benefit him but says he is working on that. We have very little romance, if any. I used to try but I don’t bother anymore. He is glued to watching gaming streams on his phone, all day and in bed at night. Even if I am speaking he has it on in the background and sometimes only pretends to listen to me. I’ve given him so many opportunities to call it quits and have asked him if he is over us, and said that I will make it easy for him. But he doesn’t want it to be over and says he loves me so much. He flat out refuses to see a counsellor with me. I know everyone says I should leave him if I’m not happy but I’m not unhappy, I’m just blah...I’m not really happy sometimes though. I’ve been on the fence for the entire 6 years. I cannot imagine leaving him though and being without him. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

[alwayscrashinginthesamecar1]

You have one short life, this is no way to spend it. You're only 30 FGS, is this really how you want to spend the next fifty years?

[CodenameVillanelle]

How is he your best friend???

Obviously the relationship is over it's just waiting for one of you to actually end it. Being a single mum isn't the end of the world, it's actually quite great, compared to being miserably partnered.

[Winterbluebear]

I guess what I don’t understand is why does he seem bored with me when he insists he wants us to be together and that he loves me so much. I would feel better about the idea of leaving if he wanted it. I can’t imagine leaving someone I care so much about.

[Winterbluebear]

I don’t know haha. I guess because he’s the person I talk to the most, I tell him everything even if we don’t talk about it much and we have a lot of inside jokes.
I’m so confused and I thought with time it would be clearer to me and it just isn’t.

[KittenCalledBob]

You seem so passive OP. You're waiting for him to make the decision. You need to think about what YOU want.

[Winterbluebear]

I know :( I just simply cannot work out what to do.

[LemonTT]

People leave when the know or believe the grass is greener. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t.

In your case it is. Because you are living in an arid desert of a relationship which will drain you and him and your child. You are both demonstrating boredom teetering on depression. Which is why neither of you are motivated to do anything.

This is about you and your decision now. Expecting him to do it is an abdication and you need to own that.

[FippertyGibbett]

He comes home to a house that is clean, you baby sit his child, you feed him and have sex with him.
If you weren’t there he would have to shop for food, clean the house, have his child on his own for periods of time.
He is using you. You make his life easier.
Dump him and go get yourself a real life.

[OnTheBenchOfDoom]

I guess what I don’t understand is why does he seem bored with me when he insists he wants us to be together and that he loves me so much

I am going to be truly blunt, because you provide all the domestics, you no doubt wash his clothes, cook the meals etc. If he left he would have to do all of that himself, you said it yourself he is lazy.

As Lemon said they only leave when the grass is greener, so from one woman's house to another woman's house where she will no doubt try to prove she is better than you by falling over herself to "look after him".

Dh has to half glued to his phone when he is on call, but even then he will put it face down and we actually look at each other to talk. Dh is thoughtful, romantic, we laugh every day. We have been married 21 years together 24. We have two teenage sons.

This is no life for you, you are 30. I would look at all the details of separating. Just think you could be with someone who does want to talk to you, who wants to romance you, you are wasted on this man.

[Winterbluebear]

I agree with everything everyone is saying. We are such different people and I am lying to myself constantly to make this work.
But honestly some days I could marry him, some days I don’t even feel remote close to him. How can I be so on the fence about this. I honestly feel at this point it if just easier and better for my daughter if I suck it up and just accept that this is my life. My daughter makes me so happy. I can’t bare the thought of him being with someone else or the thought of missing him. I know I probably sound pathetic. It’s been a long road and I’m just so confused with no answers in sight.

[lazylinguist]

Sorry OP, but the reason he says he loves you and wants to stay with you is that he likes having you as childcare and housekeeper. He presumaby gets plenty of company and interest from his job, and he's moody and lazy when he comes home because it's like a hotel to him - he just wants his downtime on his own and doesn't want the staff hassling him. You deserve more, OP.

[Winterbluebear]

Ok this may say stupid - BUT. What can I do to make him see he is losing me and possible lift his game so that I will be happier? It’s my last ditch effort.

[Winterbluebear]

It really is that bleak isn’t it....
:(

[willowmelangell]

He has had no reason to change in 6 years. No matter what you do or say you always accept his minimum input.
Don't be so available. Take a week away. See if that focuses his mind.
Or reverse that. How would you feel if he met someone else and didn't come home?

[FAQs]

Do you have much of a life outside your home and daughter? Work, friends etc. You sound a bit bored if that makes sense? If he works a lot is the gaming thing an escape? What is your escape, what do you talk about. He shouldn’t be doing it at the expense of your relationship.

[Winterbluebear]

Yeah I do, I see family often, friends pretty often. I play netball once a week with a social group and go to the gym occasionally, I do a fair bit of art. I’m quite busy when he’s gone and for some of the part he is home.
It’s the relationship that is dull. We don’t talk about anything. How was your day, what do you want for dinner. Might laugh at a meme or two. Just normal chit chat. If I try any further than that I would lose his attention.

[Winterbluebear]

When he is home for a week he gets 2 nights of uninterrupted gaming time from
7pm til 3am or whenever he goes to sleep and then he sleeps in the next day. Trust me, that’s a lot better than how it used to be. He thinks it’s not enough and I think it’s plenty but it’s not something we argue about anymore, we used to.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Jeez, give your head a wobble, what sort of life is this for a 30 year old? This isn’t a rehearsal, you get one chance, and this is it. I’m almost twice your age and 30 seems like 5 years ago, time goes quickly, don’t waste it, and don’t marry him

[Winterbluebear]

I’m so stuck because it’s not “bad”. It’s just not fantastic. What if I break both of our hearts, create a split family for our daughter, and end up no better off and regret leaving a decent guy all because I was bored. I’m playing my own devils advocate right now. Welcome to my brain!

[Winterbluebear]

Someone please tell me how it shouuuulddddd be with someone after 6 years. What am I missing out on? And not best case scenario, I mean NORMAL things that are a given. Because I know I’m missing out on some of those, I just want to know what they are from people that have them.

[WitchWife]

DP and I not together 6 years yet but he’s consistently polite and interested in my life. Sometimes he doesn’t listen properly or is distracted but I just go “are you listening?” or “shall I try again later?” and he realises and apologises. We’re kind to each other and still have very interesting conversations. We don’t act like slightly awkward long term colleagues which is what your relationship sounds like.

Have you tried going to counselling on your own? Can’t see why not and I think it’s your mind that needs to be cleared so you can decide if this is what you want.

I suspect you’ll look back in 10 years and be amazed at how sad and dull you used to feel x

[Costacoffeeplease]

It is bad, you’re just used to it

[Winterbluebear]

How can it be that he thinks nothing at all is wrong. Does he not hold our relationship high enough for it to bother him that we are the way we are? Insight anyone?