Is DH too impatient with DS or am I being a bit "pfb"?

[PigeonDove]

Just after a bit of advice. I'm pretty exhausted so my sense of judgement is a bit skewed.

9 month old DS has been very grizzly today, he slept badly last night waking every 2-3 hours and his naps have been a bit rubbish today so I think he's over tired. He had a cold last week and his 6th tooth has just come through so he's had calpol. I sorted his dinner, gave him a bath and then he had some milk (breastfed) and into his sleeping bag. I started gently rocking him to make him sleepy but he was extremely hyperactive due to overtiredness. I therefore enlisted help of DH who started rocking him but DS was crying and screaming, DH became agitated really quickly and kept saying DS' name loudly and then said we should put something on for him to watch. I said I thought that would make him more awake and DH said "fine we'll let him just walk around for hours then and he'll turn into a spoilt brat", to which I said I wasn't suggesting that. He said that DS was putting the crying on. So he put an episode of Moon and Me on his phone and commenced rocking again, I popped to the loo and the next thing I know DH was storming into his bedroom holding DS and said he was being "a wise pain". He then put his TV on and became frustrated again trying to find a certain remote control, so I popped downstairs to try and find it and as I was coming back up I heard DH say "for f*s sake" and DS had bashed his head on the doorframe as he'd put him down on the floor. He passed him to me and snapped at me to give him some milk and said he was going for a vape. I felt a bit shaken up but gave DS his milk and sang him lullabies quietly until he fell asleep.

If I ever do struggle with night wakings and can't get DS back to sleep, I sometimes ring DH to come and help (I cosleep with DS in a separate room due to DH's awful snoring, but am planning to get DS into his cot this week) but he gets so impatient and if he can't get DS back to sleep within a couple of minutes he starts sighing and swearing, to the point that I would rather not have the help anymore, although he does always say to call him anytime I need a hand.

For background, I'm starting to come round to the idea that DH may be a bit of a narcissist / emotionally abusive, but what I'm really asking is, is his reaction normal and am I just being a soft touch. I just get so anxious when he reacts like this.

Sorry for the long post.

[renallychallenged]

Your DH is a dick. A terrible father. Almost definitely abusive in other ways.

Your 9 month old crying son "bashed his head on a door frame" ?? In the context of everything else you've said that's a huge red flag.

You need to protect your son from this man before he does more lasting damage.

Do you have RL support?

[3rdtimelucky2019]

No,it's not normal. Sorry.

[N4ish]

No, not normal I’m afraid. I would also be worried about the ‘bashed his head’ incident.

[thecakebadge]

No that’s not normal. It’s normal to occasionally get frustrated with a baby who is taking forever to go to sleep but in those cases adults should have enough self control to hand them over/put them down in their cot safely while they take a breather. It’s not normal to start swearing at a baby after 2 minutes of trying to get them to sleep.

Your DH sounds like he has an anger problem.

[thecakebadge]

Ps. Please don’t feel pressured to get your son into a cot, cosleeping is fine and normal, just do whatever you need to get as much sleep as possible. If he’s teething and has had a cold then this isn’t a good time to transition anyway.

[Buggabooboo]

Not normal

[firstimemamma]

Not normal, ds' dad is nothing like that and always full of kindness and patience.

[PigeonDove]

Thanks everyone. I thought as much. I don't know what to do, I want to safeguard DS. DH is so stubborn and refuses to enter into any conversation where I suggest he's doing something wrong or defend myself and says I'm just causing arguments, I have no confidence or self esteem anymore. I don't know whether to approach a Health Visitor to discuss it.

[Lisa78Lemon]

He said your 9 month old was 'putting his crying on' and that rocking him would 'spoil him'.
I think he has limited understanding of the basic needs and capabilities of a 9 month old. We're not talking about a 4 year old here!
I feel like these are the ridiculous notions that a few people who have never had children may have, not a father.
It sounds like he gets stressed very easily and needs to learn better coping techniques. I totally understand just how stressful it can be when baby won't settle (my 11mo is a very poor sleeper and still wakes every 2-3 hours) but he needs to understand that this isn't your DS being 'difficult' or 'naughty' (which seems to be his impression).
I'd worry his behaviour could escalate if you weren't there and he was alone with a crying DS. I'm not saying this to cause alarm but he really needs to change his ways, for the sake of you and your DS.

[Plussizejumpsuit]

Your husband is a twat but I've come across load of men like this in real life and on here. What's the rest of the relationship like?

[Oreservoir]

You can't spoil babies.
I would be wary of leaving your baby with your dh.

[PigeonDove]

@Plussizejumpsuit

Your husband is a twat but I've come across load of men like this in real life and on here. What's the rest of the relationship like?

I was going to do a post in the relationships board about it tbh. We have been together for 16 years and I am treading on eggshells a lot, get told off for using wrong tone of voice or facial expressions etc. I have this week taken legal advice and have been told his behaviour is unreasonable, but we met when I was a teenager and tbh I think I've just got used to / accepted the way he is, until I had DS and now I can't stand him. But he has said before that if anyone tried to take DS away from him he would ruin their lives and get them into debt, and I know he would fight for 50/50.

Sometimes he is a great dad, he will change nappies, read to him, he makes him giggle like mad and I genuinely think he adores him, but he also has a very angry side to him. I do all of the early mornings etc despite DH being furloughed, he tends to have a lie in every day. It annoys me but then I also think, actually I'd rather he stayed in bed.

Sorry I'm going on a bit now.

[pinkyboots1]

My ex was very similar to this... at the start. It got worse and worse and I began to feel very scared for my kids and myself, I realised that they'd be better off with just me (despite his constant shouting about what a bad mum I was) I finally picked up the courage to kick him out and go it alone. Trust me ... it's unlikely to get better and you know that in your heart x

[Keha]

Not normal. My baby is 8 months, we have similar nights. We will take turns for about 30 mins each if needed to get her to sleep before needing to tag out with the other parent (although fingers crossed it doesn't take that long). Sometimes I have got frustrated enough to put her in the cot and walk away for a few minutes, but that has been very infrequent. Neither of us would shout/swear. Not sure what the answer is, but you DPs behaviour is not reasonable in my book.

[Missmonkeypenny]

Oh OP, that's not normal or okay.

Babies aren't manipulative. They cry because they're hungry/tired/sad/wet/worried/thirsty etc, not because they think it's a fun game to torture their parents. Your DH has acted appallingly and I would think seriously about leaving DS with him again and your relationship in general

[Veterinari]

@PigeonDove
Do you genuinely think your 9 month old DS accidentally bashed his head on the doorframe? How?

I would be very very careful. Speak to your health visitor, and make plans to leave.

Your DH is only a 'good dad' when your 9 month old baby doesn't 'challenge' him. At the first sign of difficulty he's abusive and aggressive. How do you think that will play out with a tantrumming toddler? Or A stroppy teenager?

[PigeonDove]

[quote Veterinari]@PigeonDove
Do you genuinely think your 9 month old DS accidentally bashed his head on the doorframe? How?

I would be very very careful. Speak to your health visitor, and make plans to leave.

Your DH is only a 'good dad' when your 9 month old baby doesn't 'challenge' him. At the first sign of difficulty he's abusive and aggressive. How do you think that will play out with a tantrumming toddler? Or A stroppy teenager? [/quote]
He put DS down on the floor and DS tried to get up to walk, but because he was in the sleeping bag he fell forward. To be honest, although I know DH is a twat and has behaved unreasonably, I do genuinely believe this was the case, but obviously I'm reluctant to leave him with DS anyway now. DS woke up crying just now and I wanted him to be quiet only so DH wouldn't come in to the room, but he did. I just continued rocking and patting and shhing gently and didn't hand him over when DH put his hands out to take him to "help".

I know I need to leave, I just don't know how or where I'd go etc. It's hard to have phone conversations because DH is home all the time now till he is back at work, although he is working one day at the weekend when I am meeting my best friend and will chat to her. I can't even go for a walk alone because I don't want to leave DS with him, and if I take DS he wants to come too (in fact he was annoyed the other day that I went for a walk without him and said I should have put DS in front of the TV instead )

Thank you for all of your words.

[PigeonDove]

I've just remembered an incident a couple of days ago when I handed DS a snack in the car. DS snatched the bag off me and tipped them all over his car seat giggling. When we pulled up at home u said to DH I'd better hoover the car seat, he sighed and slammed the car door and wouldn't speak to me for a while. I explained to him that DS had snatched the bag off me as he thought I'd just handed it to him, and he said "as long as you're sure it definitely did happen like that". He's not good is he. I need to go. But I am so so confused about how to do this. I feel so weak.

[RebeccaNoodles]

I really feel for you OP. This must be so hard. I don't have expert advice for you but do keep posting, maybe ask for this to be moved to Relationships as there are women there who can advise you on how to leave abusive scenarios. Best of luck

[PigeonDove]

Thanks, I have asked for it to be moved. I have barely slept and feel so anxious and on edge this morning. Dreading him waking up.

[fabulous40s]

Show him this thread. You have to be unbelievably patient as a parent. It’s hard. Even babies push your buttons. But his response is wrong. Everyone gets things wrong sometimes, what’s important is he learns from it and does things differently.

[Derelictwreck]

@fabulous40s

Show him this thread. You have to be unbelievably patient as a parent. It’s hard. Even babies push your buttons. But his response is wrong. Everyone gets things wrong sometimes, what’s important is he learns from it and does things differently.

Good god do not show him the thread.

That is a phenomenally terrible idea given he is abusive and had threatened to ruin you.

[TheProvincialLady]

Don’t talk to him yet OP. Don’t let him see you are making plans to leave/kick him out. Talk to Women’s Aid, talk to your solicitor and get your ducks in a row ASAP. Then tell him what is happening. Otherwise he will either step up the charm/promise the world so you stay (and then after a short time he will be worse than ever) or else become even more abusive and this could be dangerous.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

I hope you get away from him op, he really sounds horrible x

[MadameMiggeldy]

DONT SHOW HIM THIS THREAD. Jesus.

OP. 💐 well done for recognising you can’t stay. You’re right. It’s not safe.
Can you speak to Women’s Aid via phone or email? Would that be a starting point for you?