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Is It Time?

(13 Posts)
Freedom1983 Wed 18-Nov-20 17:46:32

Sorry this is long!
Oh my am 39 and I look at my life my marriage and it’s like am on the outside looking in screaming at myself to do something I just don’t know which way to go!

Been with H 20 years married for 10 have a D aged 9.

I guess I started to feel this way when I became pregnant, it was seen as the “right” thing for me to give up work even though I earned more, I had a role that involved working long hours and lots of overseas travel but yet somehow I was the one to give that up and settle for some mundane job so I could be on hand to do child care runs and now school runs etc because it didn’t fit with him job. He’s still doing that same thing he fell in to as a young adult, he’s never had ambition, he’s very happy earning enough to pay the bills and come home to me and D.
Me on the other hand, Have worked my way up from my crappy job with the same company to a less crappy job, I do evening courses I enjoy learning I enjoy being around people with different views.

Here’s the issue, for a long long time I’ve been put up and shut up, just deal with it, things aren’t to bad but then 2 years ago I started to think this is not me, at work and with other people am out going confident I will argue my point but at home I’d say sure whatever you want to do for fear of hurting his feelings. So I started to make some changes in my home life that he didn’t like and fought against these with a passion. This came to a head last November when he said to me are you happy and said NO. There starts the beginning of the end.
Instead of listening to my reasons I was told I was wrong for feeling this way, why would I change things that work perfectly that we were couple goals with our group of friends. If only they knew how many times I sat and said nothing just to make life easier. His emotions where more important than mine.

During this time to make things better he arranged and went ahead with a vasectomy, he told me on the morning it happened I lost my S**t. not once have I asked him to do this, I don’t want any more children and I was on the waiting list for sterilisation my choice which he knew fully about, but he threw it back at me that he did it for US to improve our no existent sex life!

I had the opportunity for a new role with in my company one that involved UK travel a huge step up, he didn’t support this, I pulled up at my interview went to turn off my phone and there was picture after picture of us, and a begging message about what’s wrong with us why do I want to change. This threw me and I went in to the interview, safe to say the role wasn’t given to me. I was so cross with him, he did it on a purpose didn’t he?!
My birthday this year, he asked is we could go for dinner, I gave it said yes I knew he didn’t have a lot of cash so I ordered wisely as to not push him to the limits with it, fancy French place. Just as I ordered desert he asked me if I’d got any cash on me cos he didn’t quite have enough like £50 short!

I pay for everything treats come out the Bonus I get, he will start asking the month before, you heard about bonus yet, because you can bet there is a lads holiday that’s he’s booked on for and not paid. This year I heard him say to someone I’ll pay you end of month because that’s when her bonus comes in!!!!!
Am not attracted to him either his personality or his looks, there is nothing wrong with him, even though he’s a really nice looking guy works out not an inch of fat on him, but I don’t want to be intimate with him, even kissing seems to personal.

Our friends know of our relationship issues because he’ll tell anyone who listens so of course I’m the bad guy there but I will not go to his level and shared details from my side that’s not how I role. I have my own close friends that I speak with about this.
He’s still pushing for more its suffocating, he has my family nice and on side with him so I don’t feel like I can turn to my mum because it’s all him, FS I even saw him send the xmas list for her to buy him the other day and my request of a few days in the sun alone was flatly refused.
Its time isn’t it?

OP’s posts: |
greyhills Wed 18-Nov-20 17:49:37

You have made all the sacrifices, haven't you?

It is time.

wizzywig Wed 18-Nov-20 17:52:11

He sounds an utter dick and freeloader. Ditch him

Cantdoitallperfectly Wed 18-Nov-20 17:54:23

Yes. He refuses to see things from your point of view. He will not compromise. He is unsupportive of your career. Not saying how you are feeling just to keep the status quo is very unhealthy in a relationship.

PickAChew Wed 18-Nov-20 17:55:38

Oh, goodness, it's time. If he can't even have a conversation with you about a vasectomy and does his best to sabotage your plans and career, you're no worse off without him.

Freedom1983 Wed 18-Nov-20 18:00:54


Writing it down I could go in forever and ever, all he wants is the little family that all do the same things together all the time according to his world,
our D is 9 and he’ll even check why she’s going in the food cupboard or why she got a drink of milk at 4pm! She’s very much her own person is crazy that I push her to be upfront and not take crap and here I am.
Plans need to be made, he’ll not leave so I guess it will be me and D to go x

OP’s posts: |
Cantdoitallperfectly Wed 18-Nov-20 19:24:22

Do you have a plan op?

Freedom1983 Wed 18-Nov-20 19:40:24

I don’t have a plan, just needed to get it all out make a firm decision about life moving forward, as I’ll be doing this very much alone. X

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Wed 18-Nov-20 19:51:02

It's time.

You facilitate his life every which way, to the detriment of yourself.

Paying for his lad's holidays like you're his indulgent parent?

Fuck that!

LilyLongJohn Wed 18-Nov-20 19:57:03

Yes it's time

baubled Wed 18-Nov-20 20:08:27

Definitely time, you sound really great and deserve a partner that sees that too.

Freedom1983 Wed 18-Nov-20 21:07:39

Would even know where to start with dating haven’t done it for forever so that’s not in the plan for now,

I didn’t pay for this holiday, I heard the comment and was a determined he was getting nothing from me again,

It’s time to get my confidence back get my voice back x

OP’s posts: |
Hesfamousforit Wed 18-Nov-20 21:44:34

Sounds like you are more than capable of breaking free and giving you and your dd the life you deserve. Be prepared for him to lay it on thick that he will change and blah blah blah he won't want to lose you but it definitely sounds like the right thing for you.

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