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I give myself to men so easily and I don't know why

(34 Posts)
happilyever Wed 18-Nov-20 10:16:12

I’m not sure if it’s because I think I have nothing else to offer. I normally have sex with a man either on the first or second date, even if I don’t really like them or think it will develop into anything. I’m not addicted to sex or even particularly enjoy it unless it’s with someone who I have very strong feelings for. A man who I dated a couple of months ago made a couple of comments about how that’s all I talked about and he found it a bit off putting that I put out on the first date (even though he still had sex with me 🙄, but that’s for another conversation).

I’m currently talking to a man from work who took me out on a date last week. We didn’t have sex and after the date he pretty much ignored me, even after saying he wanted to see me again. I saw him yesterday morning and he said he would text me but didn’t so I messaged him being a bit flirty and basically making it clear that sex was an option which obviously got his attention. He hasn’t stopped texting me since. I don’t have feelings for him or even really see it going anywhere as I know he’s a big drinker, which I’m not. I do find him attractive though.

I think I have sex with men in the hopes that it will make them want to stay and it will eventually turn into something more serious, which of course it never does and then I feel like shit because they’ve found someone else. I live on my own in a lovely little flat, work full time in a decent job and have my own car. I don’t think I’m particularly pretty though and I have put on a lot of weight over the last couple of years. I use to be really slim. I’m not sure why I do it to myself, I just don’t think I have any confidence. My mum has also recently made a few comments about how I behave towards men which has confirmed my feelings in a way.

Has anyone else been through something similar? I'm 25 if that makes a difference.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 18-Nov-20 10:22:52

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Where is your dad now?. It may well be that your own behaviour towards men now is somehow connected and otherwise tied up with your attitude towards your father.

I would not date at all until you love your own self for a change and your boundaries are a lot higher than they are now. You're leaving yourself wide open emotionally to being used here. Would you consider seeing a therapist to unravel all this; there is stuff here with you that needs unpicking.

Miffyliffy Wed 18-Nov-20 10:23:46

Yes... I used to be the same...

I did it as I had low self-esteem. If I only wanted sex they didn't have the power.... I wouldn't see them as a relationship because if I did they could reject me and thatd be awful for my low self-esteem.... so I simply shagged...it made me feel wanted and somewhat attractive to have men want me. What I was really trying to cover up was a deep seeded attachment disorder from an abusive and neglected childhood and the fact no one would commit to me.

Its a sad place to be. You don't need to do this, you need to work on yourself and become happy with yourself.... stop seeking validation from men.

GrandUnion Wed 18-Nov-20 10:27:36

What strikes me from your post, as well as your obviously very low self-esteem, is that you describe having sex as 'giving yourself to men', which I think is bound up with your poor boundaries, low self-esteem and, as @AttilaTheMeerkat said, possibly whatever lessons you absorbed growing up about what men are like, and what is 'normal' in relationships. (For instance, when I was single, I very often had sex on a first date or very soon after, but I saw it as me exploring what these men were like sexually, nothing like 'giving myself' -- it was my active choice, and nothing to do with necessarily wanting them to pursue a relationship with me. Some I never saw again, by my choice or theirs, some I did. I slept with my DH on our first date.)

I think that counselling to unpick some of this would be a good idea.

Bunnymumy Wed 18-Nov-20 10:29:27

Ok, first of, by making it clear 'sex isnt an option' to work guy, you've now made it seem.like a challenge for him to get you into bed. Chances are therefore, he isn't into you. It's possible this isnt the case, but I would walk away. You know he isnt the one for you, so stop.

Its good that you've identified that you sleep with them in the hope of them staying (many young women make this mistake). But op I think for you it might be deeper. Because otherwise you would only sleep with the ones you like. It sounds like you are sleeping with men because you need them to like you, for your self esteem.

It might actually be worth speaking to a councillor about this. It sounds like something you need to work through.

Lastly, you shouldnt really talk about sex with ppl before meeting them (eg: on the dating site) or much in the first date or two at all. If they are bringing it up, you know that is all they are after.

And if you are bringing it up, they are going to assume that that's all you are after. Theres nothing wrong with early dates progressing to sex but dont expect that to mean they will lead anywhere further.

Its important I've found not to swing between two extremes of sleeping with them too early or telling them 'no sex' though. Maybe you could keep in your own mind that you will hold off till date 4 though. That way you'll have a better idea of who they are first. You may find you couldn't give a shit whether or not thet like you by then.

shartsi Wed 18-Nov-20 10:30:35

I have not been through similar but I have friends who have.
Did you have a father type role model when growing up? Do you think that you may somehow be seeking Male approval and think sex is the only thing you have to offer?
The fact that you are holding down a job and living alone makes you a very good catch and you shouldn't sell yourself short. End it with your work colleague if you aren't into him. Every time you are dumped it affects your self esteem which makes you even more keen to seek approval from the next person. Make it your rule to only sleep with someone you are attracted to.

Ohalrightthen Wed 18-Nov-20 10:30:53

I did this, but tbh mainly because i like sex and it was a good ego boost. Im not naturally monogamous and spent a few years in an open relationship before i met my husband, so i had a lot of casual sex and FWB set ups. I think it is related to low self esteem, in a way, but i don't think it was necessarily unhealthy. Self awareness is important in that sort of situation.

MMmomDD Wed 18-Nov-20 10:34:33

I agree with the poster above. Why do you see sex as ‘giving yourself to a man’ or putting out?
Sex is for you. It’s a way to feel good. And also to connect to another human being.

I think you really would benefit from counselling to figure out a bit more about yourself and why you think of relationships in this way. Also to realise what it is that you really need and want from relationships.

AzraiL Wed 18-Nov-20 10:37:42

Bunnymummy she made it clear that sex was an option. He's now pursuing her thinking she'll sleep with him.

Bunnymumy Wed 18-Nov-20 10:39:03

Oops, my bad.
But yeh he's obviously only after one thing then.

honeylulu Wed 18-Nov-20 10:44:40

I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex early on if you want to (and practice safe sex) provided you are ok with the idea that it may not lead to anything more.

However, I am really struck by you saying you have sex you don't enjoy (and know you won't enjoy unless strongly attracted). Plus you're doing it to try and make the man want a relationship that he might otherwise not.

Neither of those things are good. No one should have sex they don't really want, and no one should use early sex as a bargaining chip to try and engineer a relationship that might not happen otherwise.

The language you use is telling. You talk about sex very passively - giving access to your body as if it's something you have done to you rather than participate in.

If you're on a date with a man he must have some level of interest! Why not use the time to get to know each other and see what flows. If you sense his interest ebbing, give up and go onto the next one rather than offering use of your body. You're only 25, you must have lots of opportunities!

Please try to develop your self esteem. It will help a lot, I promise.

WitsEnding Wed 18-Nov-20 10:44:58

I can identify with some of this (when I was your age). I think counselling would be well worthwhile and help you focus on what you really want, long and short term.

Your post is a little bit confusing, in the example of the man from work you are trying to make him want to stay ... but you don’t want a relationship with him anyway because you can see he’s a bad prospect. Better to want the bad ones to stay away, and putting on weight can be a way of achieving that.

It’s very unlikely that anyone who is looking for a serious relationship will want quick sex, and if they do they will take it as a signal that you are not the one. Should you decide you aren’t really looking for a relationship- there’s a lot of fun to be had, but it should be fun.

Never have sex when you don’t feel like it, whether that’s down to not fancying them, being too tired, knowing they aren’t right for you - you don’t owe them anything. Bear in mind that if you are easy to exploit, word gets round and the wrong people will seek you out. (From experience).

Windmillwhirl Wed 18-Nov-20 10:50:12

I dont think it's necessarily about what you learned about relationships growing up. You are lonely, you want someone to love and want you.

These men offer a possibility of alleviating that for you, as you see it, so you behave the way you do in the hope they will stick around and fill that lonely void within you.

I second counselling to work on your low self esteem. X

Alys20 Wed 18-Nov-20 11:10:13

Put some fun and creativity in your life (very hard atm, I know, but not impossible).

What are your true hobbies and deep interests? Pursue them instead. When you are doing something long-term emotionally fulfilling and non-risky (ie not sex) you won't have the time for unfulfilling relationships.

Toadstool54 Wed 18-Nov-20 11:13:50

Do you even enjoy the sex OP? Do you orgasm?
I think you know why you do it, you've already told us I think I have sex with men in the hopes that it will make them want to stay and it will eventually turn into something more serious
You're looking for love, which is no bad thing, but you know you won't find it this way.
The next time you meet someone nice, dare yourself to wait. What's the worst that can happen? They won't see you again? Well then you know they weren't interested in anything serious.
How do you spend your time (outside lockdown!) Do you have friends, hobbies? What do you enjoy doing outside work? What are you good at? It sounds like you're looking to men to get your validation and feel good about yourself, which to me suggests the absence of other sources of happiness.

DianaT1969 Wed 18-Nov-20 11:16:49

I also think that for the sake of your career you should try not to date men you work with. It usually gets messy and you can't avoid them easily.
Definitely don't take it further with the drinker. You know he isn't right for you. You don't owe him anything. Just let his texts fizzle out and don't agree to another date. If he pushes it, say you've realised that you changed your mind and no hard feelings.
I think you sound very self-aware and will do well in therapy.

ginandtonic324 Wed 18-Nov-20 17:17:54

I don't see anything wrong either with having sex soon if you fancy the people you are doing it with and enjoy it.

The fact that you seem to do it as a way to attract their attention or to exercise some kind of power over them, without really enjoying it and feeling badly afterwards, is what you should be addressing here.

Personally, I don't fancy men that easily, never did but when and if I did, I would rather have sex soon and not be waiting and playing games forever. If you are not enjoying what you are doing, you should change tactics. Get to know your body, what turns on you, what really turns you on in a partner.

Try to make yourself an more interesting person by finding hobbies or reading, so even when you have sex with men soon after meeting them, they come back because of you and not because of the sex only.

category12 Wed 18-Nov-20 17:28:59

It sounds like you have low self-esteem and seek validation through sex. If it made you happy, then there wouldn't be a problem, but it clearly doesn't.

Was there abuse or exploitation growing up? I know for me I had some issues that led to some self-destructive behaviours as a young adult.

It would be worth engaging with a counsellor or therapist to work out what's going on for you.

happilyever Wed 18-Nov-20 20:18:38

I'm sorry everyone for not replying sooner. I've felt very down today. I think I am depressed but I don't want to tell any family or friends because I know they'll worry. I've always been the type to just get on with things and put my feelings to the back of my mind. I just feel so worthless, fat and ugly and like I have nothing to offer. I know I seek happiness through men and not myself which is my biggest problem.

I contacted my ex earlier to say I felt depressed and he blocked me.

I just feel useless and so lonely

OP’s posts: |
happilyever Wed 18-Nov-20 20:20:27

I feel like I need to delete all social media because it makes me feel worse. I am constantly comparing myself to other women and it makes me feel like shit. I can't compete with them I will never be pretty, slim or funny etc

OP’s posts: |
category12 Wed 18-Nov-20 20:24:24

Could you speak with your GP? You don't need to tell friends and family if you're not ready to, but you do need to get some help with how you're feeling flowers.

happilyever Wed 18-Nov-20 20:41:15

Thank you @category12 I think I would benefit from speaking to someone but I just feel like I always have to put up a tough exterior and just get on with things

OP’s posts: |
user1471565182 Wed 18-Nov-20 21:03:02

I would delete social media to be honest, but find a way to keep in contact with people regularly first.

user1471565182 Wed 18-Nov-20 21:04:41

25 is I think an age lots of people struggle at- they suddenly feel a bit aimless and anti climatic after what they've been promised about the world going through education-do you think thats a part of it? you're looking for excitement?

TiggerDatter Wed 18-Nov-20 21:07:19

Oh OP, you sound so dejected, I’m sorry. I second seeing the GP and deleting social media. And counselling too. I think you are feeling particularly down because of your ex, he sounds pretty nasty. Can you swear off men for a couple of months while you regroup, and reach out to at least one good friend?

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