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Tips for forgiving, forgetting and making it work

(18 Posts)
MagicalCreatures Wed 18-Nov-20 10:15:01

So I was planning on leaving my DH a couple of months ago after years of being unhappy. We have a 2 year old DS and since we moved in together 7 years ago, he's mood and depression have got worse which has resulted in him verbally abusing me. Basically he just doesn't talk very nicely to me amongst other things and has left me walking on egg shells around him.
He's father has exactly the same attitude as him and it is mostly all learnt behaviour.
When I told my DH I had finally had enough and I wanted some space, he has finally accepted councilling and promised he will change and that he doesn't want to lose his family and be like his dad.
This isnt the first time that I've told him about the way he speaks to me and the things he does and I'm angry that it's taken to me actually leaving him to say he will sort himself out.
He is really trying though at times the old slips through abit.
The problem I'm facing is that, in my head, I had been planning on leaving him for months, setting things in place, I'd really made my decision. Therefore, I don't think I'm in love with him anymore but I just can't accept that I can't try and make it work if he is really trying to change. I feel like I'm totally obligated to give him a chance seeing that he is finally trying. However I can't shake the feeling of 'too little too late' and I'm struggling to open up to him and let him in.
Do you have any tips on how I can open up to him, or reset my mindset so that I'm open to the idea of falling back in love with him again?
I'm feeling alot of guilt about breaking up the marriage and our family which is why I feel like I have to give it a go. Also, one of the things he blames for his attitude towards me is because we aren't sexually physical. I've tried to explain to him that I did stop this mainly because of how he strated treating me but I can't help feel that maybe I'm to blame for some of his resentment towards me but I don't think I'm attracted to him anymore.

OP’s posts: |
PixelatedLunchbox Wed 18-Nov-20 10:56:15

If it's of any help, I was married to someone like your DH for 16 years. The bad moods, the hoovering when you threaten to leave. The walking on eggshells. Google Borderline Personality Disorder and see if he fits the description. If he does, run. There's no cure and they rarely play nice for long.

updownroundandround Wed 18-Nov-20 11:03:49

When it's over for you, it's over for you.

You aren't doing yourself or your DP any favours if you're just going through the motions because of guilt.

You no longer love him, so it would actually be cruel to pretend that him changing his behaviour would save the relationship, when it won't. You'd be giving him false hope.

Staying in this relationship because of guilt would leave you stuck in an unhappy relationship.

You have to bite the bullet and tell him the relationship is over for you, but that you'd like to be able to remain amicable for your DC sake.

Muchadoaboutlife Wed 18-Nov-20 11:09:22

I totally relate to your post. I think once it’s over, it’s over. You don’t have to torture yourself! You could spend another few years of your life trying to make it work but he’s the one who broke it with the way he spoke to you. I think you’d be happier spending the next few years rebuilding your life. He can’t completely change his personality!

MagicalCreatures Wed 18-Nov-20 11:42:16

Thankyou for you posts. Ive written a few posts recently about all of this going on and it seems that everyone says the same thing.
I wondered if anyone was once in a similar boat and had made it work with their partners and everything turned out all right in the end.
Maybe I'm longing for a story of a happy ending when the reality of it is there's no such thing.

OP’s posts: |
DowntonCrabby Wed 18-Nov-20 11:48:55

You’ll get a lot of people who say they tried to make it work for another 5/10/15 years, ultimately left anyway and are much happier now.

People really don’t change. flowers

JillofTrades Wed 18-Nov-20 12:02:33

If it's learnt behaviour it's going to take a massive amount of work and commitment for him to truly change. Has he started counseling and working through it? I do think it sounds like it is over for you though.

TwentyViginti Wed 18-Nov-20 12:09:32

OP you're done. You can't make yourself fall back in love with someone who treated/treats you badly..

AS pp's have said, this could go on for YEARS.

YoniAndGuy Wed 18-Nov-20 12:13:54

So why exactly would you bust a gut 'trying to fall back in love' with someone who's shown you that he doesn't give a fuck if you are unhappy because he speaks to you like shit, and you can just suck that up, but if it's going to cause him to lose his comfy set up, he'll change then?

Jesus.

SweetCruciferous Wed 18-Nov-20 12:16:04

If you want to give it a go that’s fair enough and up to you. I believe that people can change however it is challenging to change within a relationship where patterns of relating to one another have already been established. I don’t have any specific advice but wish you luck. Perhaps give yourself a time frame to work to when you will reassess things and be prepared to draw a line if things have not improved sufficiently.

LilyWater Wed 18-Nov-20 14:51:45

If you wanted to not deal with any of this, the time to leave was before marriage and child. Since you accepted it for so long, especially at a time when it was much easier to leave, he clearly felt he had no need to change because if it truly bothered you enough you would have left.

As a general comment, I just wish more women take the period of dating seriously - the point of it is to clear headedly assess the other person and whether you're both compatible. So many act like they're married to the guy already, allowing sex bonding hormones and moving in together to cloud their judgement.

As he's actually taken the step to do something different (I.e. agreed to counselling) and there's also a child involved, I would give him another chance, making it clear to him that you're at the end of your tether. He needs to get separate counselling because the prime issue from what you've said , stems from him, not you, before any couple counselling. He has free will, so he can absolutely change, if he's committed to changing. All the best OP flowers

AnyFucker Wed 18-Nov-20 14:56:33

No matter how many times ypu ask this question you will get the same responses

On your previous thread you were asked how you felt about your son also picking up this "learned" behaviour and perpetuating it into another generation

Have you thought any more about that ?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 18-Nov-20 15:00:17

"Do you have any tips on how I can open up to him, or reset my mindset so that I'm open to the idea of falling back in love with him again?"

No, because there are really none. Staying out of guilt and or for the sake of the child never works out at all well either. What else is stopping you from taking charge of your own life here and moving on with this?.

His dad is abusive and your H grew up seeing that as his normal. its of no real surprise therefore he has gone onto repeat these patterns with you. Depression and low moods too are no excuse or justification for him treating you and in turn your kids like you all are. Many abusive men also use depression as an excuse to further abuse their targets.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?.

calllaaalllaaammma Wed 18-Nov-20 15:03:40

I feel like I'm totally obligated to give him a chance

You're really not.

LemonBreeland Wed 18-Nov-20 15:03:41

I have an acquaintance who checked out of her marriage mentally. However she ended up going to counselling with her DH. What she did was cruel and a waste of time as she was already mentally out. You are the same, you've gone already. Stop thinking you can fix this. You can't

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 18-Nov-20 15:06:28

Do you think he feels at all guilty about how he treats you?. Not a bit of it. Do not give him that same consideration.

Better to be from a so called broken home too than to remain in one for what are really your own poor reasons i.e. misplaced guilt about breaking up the family. He has done that anyway by his actions towards you.

MagicalCreatures Thu 19-Nov-20 10:49:52

Thankyou everyone for your honesty.
I do keep asking the same questions in different ways and still keep getting the same answers from people. I know that.

Abuse in any form is usually such a deal breaker but the psychological abuse is so hard to combat when it's been happening for so long. It really is true when they say that it starts to make you believe you are the issue.
I am struggling to accept that if I end it, it will be because I decided and I hate being the one to make the decisions incase I make the wrong choice. I have led a life full of guilt for so many different reasons. I have my own mental health issues which have eaten me up for so long so I apologise that I seem so confused but it's because I am.

OP’s posts: |
YoniAndGuy Thu 19-Nov-20 18:02:01

the psychological abuse is so hard to combat when it's been happening for so long

Yes. And the manipulating you into continuing to accept it is part of that.

I am struggling to accept that if I end it, it will be because I decided

no, you haven't - he made all these decisions. To make your relationship one of aggression and control. To not listen to you when you asked for changes and told him you weren't happy. He hasn't changed now - he's just realised that as he's now completely driven you away (again, he is the one who has acted here) he needs to change tack.

Go.

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