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Am I in the wrong?

(22 Posts)
Sammy110xox Wed 18-Nov-20 00:18:14

*sorry for the long post*

So I am usually a strong willed person, quite thick skinned and sometimes, I say things exactly as I see them and have no filter although I do try. So the last almost 18 months, I have barely spoken to my mum or my sister because they had an argument with my mums partner. I was brought into the argument by each one of them and when I told them my opinion, they did not like it and so now I am the devil and public enemy number 1. I was previously very close with them and don’t really have any friends so I have spent the best part of 18 months just me, my husband and our now 2 year old, with no one else to talk to.

I feel so guilty that our 2 year old is alone with just us. She is becoming so demanding and I think it’s because we spoil her. It’s just her and us so it’s hard not to. Then there are problems in my marriage and everything feels like it’s my fault.

I work from home and my husband is up at 5am 4 mornings every week and I work Monday to Friday. I get up with our daughter every morning when he is working. I get her dressed, walk 40 minutes to the childminder and then back. I then do a full day work, yes I sit at a desk but it is a mentally challenging role. During my lunch I will clean the kitchen and do washing. 2 days during the week and on a Saturday I do a 45 minute workout session and then back to work. I remain at my dear until around 5pm of I’ve had a good day. If my husband finishes, he will collect our daughter otherwise, I again do the 40 minute walk to go and collect her. I then make tea, clean the kitchen, fill the dishwasher, fold that days clean clothes and follow my daughters bed time routine. My husband will put her down most nights however it is a case of wait for her to finish her bottle and wait 5 minutes for her to drop off. 10 minutes of his day at most. Whilst he is doing this, I am cleaning up her toys etc that have been used that day/evening. We then can relax. That usually consists of him playing Xbox and me watching the soaps then we go to bed and start again the next day.

Am I wrong for feeling all the pressure is on me? Since our daughter was born, I have to take time off work to care for her (not that I am complaining as I loved my mat leave with her). Since going back to work though, I had to reduce my house. If she is sick, I have to take time off work. If the childminder calls to collect, I have to leave work to do it. I have had to arrange cover for meetings to care for our daughter but my husband just doesn’t see why I have an issue. I get up in the night with her, he sleeps through it. The odd occasion he has got up. I feel like everything falls on me.

With lockdown, I’ve had no one to talk to. My husband is texting away with his mates and we don’t have discussions.. I try and talk to him but he doesn’t listen. He is more interested in his mates. The last straw was this evening. I told him he pays more attention to his mates and he denied that. He had told me what his day at work tomorrow would be like. I repeated everything back to him and the. Asked him what I was doing. His reply was “working”. Not only did he forget about the cooking, cleaning, washing and sorting childcare, I had told him that I have a meeting that I had to lead and I was feeling nervous and worried. When I reminded him of this, his reply was “oh I remember you mentioning that”. Is it me or did he clearly bot listen to me.

I never get like this! I’m feeling so anxious, there are so many other things going on, we are supposed to be moving, I am at a really important stage of my career and I feel totally unsupported like everything falls on me. Am I doing something wrong? Is this life and how all men work? I’m beginning to question whether I am just too much of an awkward person and he just chooses not to listen and nod yes dear to make me think I’m listening.. I think I’m going mad, I honestly feel on the edge and I don’t have a clue where to turn

OP’s posts: |
category12 Wed 18-Nov-20 00:26:40

You don't ever Stop. No wonder you're feeling like shit.

Couldn't your partner do half the evening meals and more of the housework? Why are you taking it all on?

StrippedFridge Wed 18-Nov-20 00:32:21

Do less. Make friends.

All two year olds are demanding. It is called the terrible twos for a reason.

Put efforts into making friends. You can choose your friends, you don't choose your family you get what you get.

Sammy110xox Wed 18-Nov-20 00:48:51

Thank you for reading, and replying.. I’ve tried asking him. He says he will help, as an example I ask him to take the bins out he will and he is great with our daughter but anything else he says he will do “tomorrow “ and never gets gone.

I don’t want to be too overbearing on him and when I breach it, he gets huffy and it’s more like I am being a no at wife and he works and I’m always at home. I don’t think he realises how I fee but then when I try and talk to him I’m moaning.

OP’s posts: |
Sammy110xox Wed 18-Nov-20 00:52:27

StrippedFridge

Do less. Make friends.

All two year olds are demanding. It is called the terrible twos for a reason.

Put efforts into making friends. You can choose your friends, you don't choose your family you get what you get.

I wish it was easy to just make friends. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, I’m 30, work from home and am a little socially awkward. I have had 9 months of toddler babble and yes dear, maybe I need to look for some online mums to befriend smile

OP’s posts: |
justilou1 Wed 18-Nov-20 00:55:20

Write a list of everything you do and divide the chores up between you. If you have done it all for him, you have to send him a daily task list. Send it the night before and let him hop to it. If he has a weekly routine, he’ll get used to it.

StrippedFridge Wed 18-Nov-20 01:11:33

Do you know anyone local with a toddler? There will be others who would love a socially distanced walk round the park I bet.

Hobbies are brilliant for making friends. Now, in the pandemic, is a good time to ask around, look on FB, flyers in shop windows etc to get ideas of what's on offer in your area.

People are still desperate for contact. Covid-excuses help with social awkwardness because you can blame it on the distancing having made you forget how to behave. Other people will feel the same.

category12 Wed 18-Nov-20 01:11:35

Well, he couldn't leave eating until tomorrow, could he? Tell him he's doing dinner half the week, and just leave it for him to do on his days.

Don't do his washing. He's a grown man, he can look after his own clothes.

Stop working through all your lunchbreaks. Housework is working. Sit at the table, eat your lunch and actually take time out. Stop driving yourself so hard.

StrippedFridge Wed 18-Nov-20 01:15:55

No more helping. Handover entire jobs then DO NOT DO THEM YOURSELF.

Like make bins his job. You never remind him, you never do them, except maybe to help him if he asks nicely now and then.

Choose a few things, hand them over, then do nothing even when he doesn't do it. No reminding either.

Shift your mindset away from everything is your job and he just helps over to you both have chores and sometimes you help each other if asked nicely.

Sammy110xox Wed 18-Nov-20 01:16:58

Thank you both again.

Yes, I did not think of doing that. I don’t know anyone with toddlers however I will try and post in a local Facebook group to see if anyone is in the same boat. You are right, and that will likely help, thank you.

Yes I need to put some responsibility back onto him. I can’t keep doing everything or I will fall of the edge. Thank you both again grin

OP’s posts: |
category12 Wed 18-Nov-20 01:28:37

He says he will help

Also, this is where it's going wrong - it's not "helping" - that means everything is your job and he's doing you a favour. Bollocks!

You are supposed to be a team, partners, and the housework and childcare are both your responsibilities. It's not "help" you need, it's for him to do his fucking share.

justilou1 Wed 18-Nov-20 01:42:28

Yes - he is the other adult who lives with you. He is your “Partner” supposedly. Give him the list and let him share the load. Don’t let him fob it off by saying that he “doesn’t know how” to work a vacuum cleaner or wash a load or hang things up, etc. It’s not rocket science. Let him fuck it up and sort it out himself.

justilou1 Wed 18-Nov-20 01:43:11

*obvs not your favourite cashmere. Keep that to do yourself. (Learned that one from sad experience.😭😭😭)

GeorgiaGirl52 Wed 18-Nov-20 02:11:12

Looking at this the other way around-
Your husband gets up around 5am and wfh until 5pm
You do childcare, meals, cleaning, laundry and wfh.
Your husband spends 10 minutes putting child to bed.
You clean kitchen, finish laundry, tidy child's room and plan for tomorrow.
Your husband plays x-box and texts friends until bedtime.
You watch soap operas as he will not have conversations or help with daily planning. You go to bed.
Other than providing financial aid, what do you need him for? How would your life be any different if he weren't there?

Figgyboa Wed 18-Nov-20 03:02:30

There are 2 of you plus a baby, genuinely asking why you need to clean the kitchen twice a day (during lunch and after dinner) and do washing every day?
Please do less. You need to have a break!

Shoxfordian Wed 18-Nov-20 06:26:56

He needs to step up and start being your equal partner in contributing to your lives. He sounds lazy and unhelpful. Without knowing all the details, can you find some way to reconcile with your family? Once covid is gone then toddler groups etc will be easier but maybe you could join an online book club? Find ways to do things you enjoy each day

category12 Wed 18-Nov-20 10:38:48

Sorry to be back again, I feel a bit all over this thread grinii, but it's really bugging me. You're so afraid of being called a nag, you're slogging your guts out, skivvying for your lazy partner, for the joy of being exhausted & ignored every night. hmm

It's not fair that your job is treated like it's not as important as his. What is going on with that? Why is it you taking time off etc for every childcare issue? It's massively sexist.

If the walk to the childminder is 40mins (each way?!) and a slog, could you look at getting a bike with a trailer or childseat (if road conditions suitable)?

Do you enjoy your workouts or do you do them because you think you ought to? If the latter, drop some or all of them and do something you really enjoy instead in the time. (Don't work or do housework instead!)

It might seem petty not to do his washing, but the only way to make him realise the unpaid work matters is if it impacts him. So just do your own and dc's.

If he's one of those guys you're always picking up after, get two big boxes, one for upstairs, one for downstairs, put it in the wardrobe and the understairs cupboard (or wherever), and dump anything of his in it, every time. Phone, paperwork, shoes, clothes, crisp packets, used tissues, chuck it all in and give no fucks.

And sometimes, just let things go a bit. Cleaning the kitchen twice a day is excessive. You don't have to be superwoman. Do nice things for yourself. Self-care is having a peaceful lunch and doing things the easy way sometimes.

Don't be the magic laundry basket. youtu.be/SqQgDwA0BNU

justilou1 Wed 18-Nov-20 12:40:46

Bugger that! Dump it on his desk!

LilyLongJohn Wed 18-Nov-20 12:46:37

During the day, when you are at work, you're at work. Take a lunch break and relax.

When you are both at home, then any chores, parenting etc are 50/50

No wonder you're fed up, you're knackered and have no help. Change this!

LilyLongJohn Wed 18-Nov-20 12:50:51

With the free time you'll get back you could do an online course, join a book group, check out your local Facebook group etc

Sammy110xox Wed 18-Nov-20 19:49:32

Thank you all so much for your replies. It makes me feel a thousand times better k owing I’m not over reacting. If I mention anything to him he closes up and make out I’m moaning and bitching for nothing.

I can be a bit excessive with the cleaning. I was brought up in a single parent household and had to take care of my sister (10 years between us) whilst my mum worked several jobs. I am house proud and will clean the whole kitchen after any cooking/meal time. That is probably one of my problems and why I’m feeling like I do everything.

He does his part when he has a day off with childcare but it is like his job takes a priority over mine. I have said this to him time and again but I don’t see that changing ever. I have told him I feel like a single parent with 2 children, it’s so frustrating.

He is a good person and generally will do things when asked and moaned at but he is also lazy. I have spent an hour today writing out a schedule for the week so he has his days of cooking and washing and hopefully he will follow it and it will feel like less pressure.

The walk to the childminder is something I choose to do for health reasons. I am overweight and working from home means I move less so I have my car to my brother in law so I would be forced to walk to get some exercise.

Thanks for the suggestions, I will give them a try and hopefully that will help. I don’t think this lock down and being stuck indoors help grin

OP’s posts: |
category12 Wed 18-Nov-20 19:53:36

Remind him how unsexy it is to be his mother.

You could also try him with this www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288?guccounter=1

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