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I'm jealous to the pit of my stomach

(32 Posts)
Weusedtosing Tue 17-Nov-20 20:54:05

I'm in a failing marriage and currently, DH and I continue living together whilst he refuses to move out and I have nowhere to go.

I'm in the process of getting my ducks in a row and will be financially independent in around 6 months time, when I intend to leave him.

We have 2 DCs and we are living together very amicably as it stands, but it is cold, dysfunctional and there is no love here.
I'm a very loving person by nature and I've had to train myself to be cold and unfeeling and practical to get us through this horrible phase. But, I'm struggling a lot deep down. When friends are celebrating wedding anniversaries or talking about cosy nights at home with DH when kids are in bed, or telling me about plans they're making, I feel so jealous, envious and even a bit hateful.

I don't want to feel like this.

I'm somebody who has always made an effort in all areas of my life: my career, my kids, my home so to be failing at the most important relationship in my life makes me so sad. I want to be like other people, not perfect, but in a supportive, loving marriage. Ours is so passed it. DH doesn't seem to value love or closeness at all. He's been like this since DC1 came along and it's never improved. He used to be so loving and seemed to really value me, now I just feel like his housekeeping staff.

I don't want to feel like this about other people, I want to be happy for them. I guess I'm posting as a way of confessing that I'm finding the happiness of others very hard to deal with. I wish I didnt.

OP’s posts: |
Muchadoaboutlife Tue 17-Nov-20 20:59:05

It’s natural. You’re going through a tough time. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Get out of this marriage ASAP and find your person that you can brag about. This time next year...

carreterra Tue 17-Nov-20 21:10:55

OP, you wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't tried your very best to stay with your DH, and don't be jealous of friend's relationships, as they must have their share of downs with their partners, as well as ups. I know what you mean, eg Facebook etc, everyone in relationships looks like they are having fun, even during the Pandemic, but they are not posting the bad parts of being together. I am in the same situation as you, but a generation older, with grown up offspring.
I bet in a couple of years, when you have moved on and maybe have someone new in your life, your STBX will feel jealous of you, and it will highlight what he has lost.
Just ride this storm of the century, and look forward to better days, it looks like you have already made plans.

Lora88 Tue 17-Nov-20 21:17:12

I don’t have any advice but I just want to say I’m going Through the same and relate to every emotion you are feeling x

FatBottomGirl99 Tue 17-Nov-20 21:25:36

You're only feeling this way as your unhappy and not able to leave and start your new life yet. Whenever you feel like this close your eyes and picture the new life you will have soon... , soon everything will be so different for you! Exciting calmer times to come, you can't help you're feelings, it won't last forever x

ForestChris83 Tue 17-Nov-20 21:29:16

OP I feel your pain, how long had you been trying to fix it before you realised it was beyond saving? I'm hoping I am early in this process and have time to save ours. I want us to be as happy as others, I do realise we all go through ups and downs and the downs don't get publicised, I hope my DW can see that too.

MushMonster Tue 17-Nov-20 21:35:32

I understand you very well OP. 6 months is a long time to be sharing a house when you have decided to part.
Those were the hardest days for me on my divorce. I used to arrive home and just wait till time passed and finally we had separate places.
Best luckflowers
And no worries, you will feel better soon. When you are happy again your jealousy will vanish. They do have their bad times too.

DiscoJanet Tue 17-Nov-20 21:37:45

I'm in virtually exactly the same position (without the amicable part, we barely tolerate each other!) OP. I've had the same pangs when friends talk about their husbands etc, but now I'm just so looking forward to being rid of him that I don't feel jealous, more excited about the time I won't have to be with him. I think it's fine to feel a bit wistful but more important and healthy to focus on the future. Also see it as a lesson of what to avoid/what not to do in the future!

Weusedtosing Tue 17-Nov-20 21:39:32

Thank you all for being so kind.
@forestchris83 it's difficult to say how long I've been trying as things were up and down in the first year or two after DC1.
DC1 is now almost 6.
DC2 is 3 and I realised when he was 10 months old that it was probably over. I've been gradually pulling away and grieving for the failed marriage since then really.

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nancybotwinbloom Tue 17-Nov-20 21:41:35

Six months is something to look forward to.

Can you book something special to mark it? Meal, hotel on your own? Anything to show you are where you are then because you've worked so hard to be there?

It will Feel like ages but get out walking, running anything to get peace out the house.

Walk listening to music, audio books etc?

Just fill your time.

I'm quite task oriented so for me I'd fill in a spread sheet and mark it with dates, savings etc and save it on a pen drive or something.

Something to aim for.


nancybotwinbloom Tue 17-Nov-20 21:42:33

Sorry take the kids with you when possible for nature walks etc. Collecting cones. Just know it's. It forever

nancybotwinbloom Tue 17-Nov-20 21:42:48

It's not forever

formerbabe Tue 17-Nov-20 21:44:02

I'm posting as a way of confessing that I'm finding the happiness of others very hard to deal with

Lots of people feel the same...they just don't admit it.

Sorry you're having a hard time flowers

Etinox Tue 17-Nov-20 22:48:33

flowers @Weusedtosing
Not to minimise your feelings, but this is a useful image to hold in mind looking at others SM

Weusedtosing Wed 18-Nov-20 12:40:38

Sorry to hear that so many others are in my position too.

Part of me worries that life afterwards won't be much better... that I'll be miserable without DCs at home with me when they're with their Dad and that I'll be single forever. I'm still quite young, but the DCs and DH have taken their toll on me. I'm tired, overweight, covered in stretch marks, saggy boobs, saggy stomach, have hairs lurking in all sorts of places they never used to and spots!

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summersolstice43 Wed 18-Nov-20 12:49:58

Its a horrible position to be in as I've been there so fully understand. I've been on my own for 9 years now and I hate the conversations at work where my colleagues are complaining about their partners and saying I'm lucky I don't have that, fair enough if they think I'm lucky then I think they are delusional. But on the flip side when they talking about doing the whole family thing together and going on date nights and having someone cook their tea for them getting home I feel jealous, I'd love to have someone cook for me, run me a bath, share the bills and mortgage etc. I don't think we're ever truly happy with what we have unfortunately.

User74575762 Wed 18-Nov-20 13:57:05

It's very odd and upsetting when you find yourself GREEN with actual gold plated unmistakable jealousy. It happened to me a few years ago when a friend was doing well ( having worked for and deserved it all ) and I, through, well, just bad luck, was doing badly in the same area.
I knew I should be happy for her. I knew I wasn't a bad person. But it was as if this horrible horrible feeling had been poured into me from outside and now filled me up.
I surrounded myself with calming, neutral images (green hills, sheep grazing, the sea washing on a beach at sunset yadda yadda) and did a lot of deep breathing. The feeling went away in the end.
And it will for you too.
And things will all be fine again.

CrazyToast Wed 18-Nov-20 15:05:33

I think it's natural. I've definitely been bitter in my life. At one point I would walk past young people who were laughing and carefree and think 'just wait, it will all go wrong for you too!'. I was just very unhappy, damaged and angry about what happened to my life. I'm much better now but it takes time. Give yourself time, you aren't even fully separate yet, you haven't had the chance to establish your own life and find who you are again.

ginandtonic324 Wed 18-Nov-20 16:56:54

I completely relate to those feelings, OP. I don't feel proud of them, but if I am honest, when I see people being extremely happy with the way their lives are going, when they seem to have it all sorted out, without confusion or doubts, I feel extremely jealous.

There has been a lot of doubts about my relationship with DH from the beginning and whenever I see other people secure in their feelings and their choices, I feel a pang of envy.

There are a lot of satisfactory and unsatisfactory aspects to our marriage, but at the end of the day, we have kids, a mortgage, security and stability, and for me that is important right now.

The good thing is that you have taken the first step towards a new life. You have allowed yourself to look for a happier life and that is something to be proud of. Be kind to yourself, and don't beat yourself too much about those feelings. I guess there are a lot of people out there who feel like that at some point or another in their lives. We are all human after all!

Isthisnothing Wed 18-Nov-20 18:54:49

Oh gosh you poor thing. It's totally natural and you are only human. I have been through tough periods and remember only too clearly running out of enthusiasm for other people's good news stories.

At first I felt ashamed but then I decided to give myself a break. You can remove yourself from certain conversations and situations if they upset you. If they are good friends and they look for an explanation they will certainly understand.

And for yourself, you need to remember that everything changes every moment. This won't last. You don't know what is ahead. When it gets too much repeat the mantra -

This feeling will pass. This feeling will pass. This feeling will pass.

Iyiyi Wed 18-Nov-20 19:16:08

I split with my husband when our 2 children were 8 and 5 and our marriage had been over for at least three years before that. I was in my mid thirties, and I’ve since met an amazing person and we have a great relationship and although I wouldn’t describe it as jealousy, I feel wistful that I will never have the neat happy family I always hoped I would. Once you have exes and children etc to consider, nothing is ever as simple or straightforward. But that doesn’t mean that it’s bad. Since splitting with their dad I’ve often repeated to my children that different doesn’t mean bad and just because we expect things to be a certain way, it doesn’t have to be awful that they aren’t. I just need to tell myself that a lot!

Lovelymonkeyninetynine Wed 18-Nov-20 20:14:53

I think it's great that you can admit this! What's wrong with acknowledging your jealousy? Or, more likely, the pain that your marriage is over.
You're having a tough time right now, please be compassionate with yourself!
Also, loved that picture of the apple from a pp. this is so true. We all have areas of our life that are painful and hard, and most people are much more unhappy than you think, sadly.
Be gentle and kind to yourself xxx

nancybotwinbloom Wed 18-Nov-20 20:27:44

Every day you are a day nearer than you were the day before.

Your getting there op.

Get Xmas out of the way and it will start to go quicker

tunnocksreturns2019 Wed 18-Nov-20 20:32:02

I feel jealous often too since my DH died. Why shouldn’t my little kids have their lovely dad? Why did it have to be my wonderful husband? I try to look outwards instead of inwards at myself and my circumstances, but it doesn’t always work. Life isn’t fair. You’re allowed to feel that.

Weusedtosing Wed 18-Nov-20 20:59:42

I'm so sorry @tunnocksreturns2019 you've every right to feel like you do.

I hope you have plenty of love and support around you x

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