what advice would you give to a 37 year old who wants to have kids but not sure about their relationship?

[hatwoman]

my dearest friend is 37; been in a relationship for 6 years but has never felt that he's really the man for her or the man with whom she wants to have kids. to be blunt and simplistic she feels like she is facing a choice - have children with this man or bin him in the hope that someone better will come along before her fertility runs out. an incredibly crude way of putting it but ultimately what it boils down to. My instinct is that she should bin him now and move on. otherwise she will bimble long and possibly miss out - but I am so not in a position to advise her - I was married at 25. I know that ultimately only she can make these decisions but I desperately want to help her be happy. Is there anything I can/should say? what would you do - if you were her or if you were me?

[expatinscotland]

bin him and have children with a gay couple.

[Carmenere]

Better to have one child born into a loving optimistic relationship than a few that may well face a broken relationship in a few years time.
tell her to move on and find a man she loves and wants a future with.

[WotzaZombie]

For you - I'd say 'Difficult but there never is a right time for anything. She will have to decide.' She will have the rest of her life to follow through with her decision.

If it was for me in that situation (older now), I would be very selfish and consider my own and the dcs future, who knows what can happen.

[chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks]

tempted to say take the sperm and run but that's not really sensible advice.......

[MeMySonAndI]

Well, the thing is that bringing a child into a relationship she is not sure about it is exactly the worse way to make that relationship even worse.

I would say she needs to move on, for her sake and the one of her future child. Now.... if she feels it is unlikely to find Mr Right soon and what she really wants a child perhaps chipmonkey's advice...

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

hatwoman

Are these two engaged?. How do they both feel about marriage and children?. If neither issue has been discussed at any length after six years of being together then I would wonder why. It sounds like they've just drifted along together for the past few years.

If she feels she is not with her ideal man then having a child by him is not going to "fix" the relationship. By being with someone who is not her ideal man she is stopping her own self from meeting another man who potentially could be.

[persephonesnape]

there may well not be such a thing as her 'ideal man', given that life isn't disney. If she's managed to stick with one person for six years, she needs to weigh up her need for children (given that her fertility is already on a downwards slide)against her need for children and this as-yet-unknown father. there reallay isn't any guarentee that she can do so much better than the partner she already has.

would her partner make a good father? that would be more important to me than some bizarre notion of an 'ideal' man. and how does he feel about fatherhood? see what he thinks, if he runs away muttering about comitment then i think she has her answer.

I would like to add a 'so what' if she doesn't stay with him forever after having children. plenty of people manage with absent or non resident parents - and go on to have more children with different people...

[Anna8888]

Too late now, but why oh why has she spent six years of her thirties with a man she isn't sure about?

Is he good genetic material (intelligent/good physical specimen/good earner)? If so, have the baby and work on the relationship

If not, bin him and look elsewhere quickly

[hatwoman]

thanks everyone. I'll be honest - I don;t know why she's been with him so long. they don;t live together. I barely know him (something I feel pretty strange about given how close she and I are). But part of me does think that it can't be that bad and she's maybe too idealistic. but then I think she's just not going to take the plunge re kids if she stays with him. we got drunk last night and I told her to bin him. (and I never "tell" people what to do!) she pretty much agreed. in vino veritas?

[warthog]

bin. without doubt. and get herself out there and meeting people pronto.

[maisemor]

Run, run like the wind, it is going to end up nasty.
If she is not happy in the relationship now, kids sure as mangos ain't gonna help.

[newgirl]

sounds like seven year itch to me - maybe she is just having doubts about things and is talking to you because you dont know him very well

she must like him for some reason - six years is a long time

id be tempted to stay out of it - they may well stay together and you dont want to say anything that you later regret!

[skidoodle]

Wow, I'm pretty shocked. I honestly did not believe anyone would ever knowingly use a man for his sperm or choose to have a child in an unsatisfactory relationship just to satisfy your own need to have a kid.

Anyone who rates their child's need for a father and a stable family home below their own selfish desires to procreate is not someone who is likely to be a terribly good parent.

I feel tainted. I've always stuck up for women when men accused them of deliberately getting pregnant and using them as sperm donors. I really didn't think anyone could be so callous and selfish with other people's lives.

Apparently I was wrong.

[morningpaper]

I do worry about my friends who are still looking for "Mr Right" in their 40s

I've met about 10 "MR OKs" and I'd have been happy with a lot of them, I'm sure

I'd recommend a course of therapy before she makes any drastic decisions...

[Beenleigh]

Would she go the route of a sperm donor if she did decide to bin him?

I've though about this a bit as have a friend in a similar position, but she is far too idealistic, and desperate for Mr Right, btu at 40 the clock is ticking for her. I think she is on the verge of resigning herself to a life without babies, which I think is a tragedy. I reckon go for it, have a baby, pronto, wither with him, or someone else, but stop wasting time! The idea of life without a baby is just too hard to bear!

MP did you marry Mr Right, or Mr OK?

[chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks]

skidoodle, I wasn't actually being serious! Although, I don't necessarily think a father is always a necessary fixture in a child's life, I certainly know some poor kids who would have been better off without theirs!
The thing with some women is though, that they are not looking for Mr Right, they are looking for Mr Perfect. When they might actually have a bloke that's a nice guy, would make a good father, just doesn't set off the fireworks.
If your friend is actually unhappy with her man as opposed to she should get out now and either take that sperm donor route or try to find the real Mr Right. But that could take time, and it's time that she's running out of.

[hatwoman]

beenleigh - I think you are absolutely right about one thing - the stop wasting time. one way or another she needs to make her mind up. she's not great at decisions - one of life's ditherers. which often means she settles for the status quo - hence been with this guy for so long. he's a nice guy - he/the relationship certainly doesn't make her unhappy. but chipmonkey is right - no fireworks. I can't interfere/say much anyway - but I do appreciate all your thoughts - they have definitely made me think and I'll casually relay some of them next time we get on to the topic. I'd give anything to have a magic wand. (and if anyone knows a suitable single man....)

[baffledbb]

After six years with someone surely you dont expect a huge amount of fireworks do you?
I understand her position though, i was exactly the same age and dithering about DP
when I became pregnant very unexpectedly (had been told by gynae I wasn't ovulating)and as a result I have stayed with him and so far so good. I am as content as I have ever been in my life.

[morningpaper]

you can't go far wrong with content

[chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks]

Never believe a gynae who says you're not ovulating

From chipmonkey, 11 weeks pg.

[toothicky]

A girls got to do what a girls got to do. Tell her to get pregnant pronto. She might take ages to find someone better and if it doesn't work out it will be her and the baby. Life goes on and she will be happy.

[AussieSim]

I think it is funny that while we are talking a about a 6 year relationship, it is still a relationship where they haven't even managed to make a commitment to move in together - so how could they possibly now leap to the commitment to have a baby? I am always suspicious of a 40yo man who has never been married (speculating here) screams 'screwed up' and 'heaps of issues about women/his mother and commitment'.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn